Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Boxing up My Final Things

I am AGAIN boxing every single memory good and bad into boxes. It's hard! But something I have to do. BUT with reasons only I need to know.......this is the final time other than a better place and time destined for things I had lost faith in. There is hope and I found it! Thank you God for faith and strength to wait! It's been a long wait but worth it :)

Monday, June 18, 2012

And Then There Was You

A simple crooked grin and eyes so blue
A sweet soothing voice says how are you
I know its you on the other end of the line
For I've waited for this call for what seems like a lifetime
Butterflies stirring all around in my stomach and head
The suns coming up and i should go to bed
But i cannot bring myself to hang up the phone
I will long for your voice while sitting here all alone
Upon waking at sunrise I will walk to the phone
Before it even rings...don't ask how i know
When my knees start getting shaky and my head is all dizzy
I know I will hear from you and will answer even if I am busy
I am unsure of how to balance my life right now but that doesn't matter
I just know i must speak to you and see you and preferably the latter.
Your eyes melt my heart
your voice my soul
my tummy feels sick
this feeling I don't know
I feel as though a fever is approaching me quick
I called my best friends and told them i am sick
She said I'm so sorry how do you feel
I said i cant eat sleep concentrate and almost feel chilled
She said silly girl you have no clue
what this sickness is that's been brought onto you?
I said i may be a nurse but I have no clue
its not a cough, or cold, and most defiantly not the flu.
At that moment when she said to me ever so cool
you are not sick at all my dear friend your a lovesick fool.
How could this be and how do i know
when i feel so awkward does it really show
I knew I raced to your house in no time flat when I'm free
to spend time with you when you wanted me
The days and nights that i share with you are cluttering my mind everyday
I cannot think or work and i don't act the same way
My endless days of being a mommy and nurse
are exhausting me daily I feel I am cursed
My utilities are gone and my groceries too
My oh My the world is so cruel.
There is so much Bad in this world
And then there is you.
One word from your mouth or touch of your hand
Eases my mind again and again.
I feel so guilty making time for us two
I need not to do it but i so want to
I have kids and work and bills to pay
I don't have time for what i consider "play"
My heart is with you but my mind is at work
I will see you tonight...what will it hurt
I don't take much time for Me
And baby I am waiting til tonight for you i must see
But I feel so strange and i don't know why
I just know I have work to do and must put it aside
I love you my sweet and will see you after while
But i gotta run I am rushed again at work and records to file
I hate days like this when i am so rushed and exhausted and see no end in site
I wish i could blink my eyes and it would be tonight
Cuz my work day will be over and yours will be too
and we can sit and talk and hug and .....baby i love you
I'm sorry I was thinking of something besides the road and that hill
Now i have lost so much time and even still
I lay here and wonder what happened today
I heard all the monitors and doctors and i heard one say
Here she is well hello Denna Lou
I was terrified baby I was
But then there was you
Never have I ever been so pleased to see your face and your smile
your blue eyes and hear your soothing voice so mild
At that moment I knew you loved me too
For a month i have lied here and dreamt of you
Wondering if you would love me still
When i wake up even if i will
I know you understand life has been so hard for me
balancing a struggling and being alone you see
but knowing this one thing to be true
For all that was easy on the other side
on this side was you
My kids are the thing that made me strong
And then there was you.....
A dream of you in white linen clothes in a colorless place
standing with your arms out and that smile on your face
waving me on as asking me to rush quick without haste
Come on baby please we don't have this time to waste
Come back to me and i will love you so
I promise to never ever let you go
Even if you decide to let go of me
I will love you forever and you will see
What i speak of is from my heart
Its me and you forever til death do us part
I need you to hear me and know this is true
I wasn't even looking and then there was you
Its you I love when i open my eyes everyday and close them each night
and give me and chance you will see you just might
Have a love so strong that it can endure tests of all time
But you have to be with me in body as well as in mind
Now today and much time spent
Do you have a clue what all of this meant
Even the parts that were never spoken aloud
Matt my love i heard you without a sound
All my life any problems and worries and hurt Ive been through
Ive searched my whole life
Then there was you
Faithful and honest and your gentle touch
Baby I love you so very much
Even when I am mad as hell
please know my heart is still so frail
I seem so strong but i am so weak indeed
For my feelings for you run so deep
Like nothing i have ever known
I just hate I missed out until i was grown
to feel such love i have so true
There was pure loss of faith

Twas the Night Before Christmas 2008

Twas the Night Before......
Current mood: awake
Category: Life
Okay I am up at such an hour and thought i would blog.....Here we go

I am writing in red because its "the day" i would be in the spirit but if i must say. The life of a mommy never goes as planned and its altered quiet regularly and we are always in demand. I am stretch armstrong....being pulled here and there...but eager to please her cubs...yep i am MAMA BEAR lol

Long silly story short...i am delirious and should be in bed but nonetheless this is my night and i hope i am passing the test.....(i do feel i am being tested on these days)

Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring not even a mouse.

The gifts were all out under the tree Santa had came and been on his way.....now time to bed down with hubby....its gonna be a busy day.

Matt and i in our PJs and after a night cap

Had just settled down for a long nights nap

Then suddenly we hear such a clatter I was going to get up and see what was the matter

When what before my wondering eyes would appear

A very tiny baby girl standing in my door with a tear

I sprang from the bed and oh my lord...she turned , sprung and ran back out the door....yes this place was quiet as a mouse....now i had a four year old puking all over the house.

This child is multi talented you see because on her way to puke again she lists all that is under the Christmas tree

Dear child of all nights why tonight must you be sick and she explains so sweetly that santa brought that doggie chick...LOL

I saw the rolling puppy i ask for too

and the panda and the microphone oh what do i do

i explained she must have frightened santa away as she darted thru house puking all the way

i told my dear child please understand

he will not come back and finish bringing all your demands........if you dont lie down and close your eyes child...

then up from the bed she runs buck and wild and leans to the toilet and lets it fly

again and again just like a grown man

puking like i never knew such a small child can

It reaked and was bad but lil Gabby was sooo sad

I am so sorry mommy i puked on my bed and i have this aching in my head but i am so excited mommy you see that santa has came and brought my rolling puppy

I know my sweet child but please here me once more if you do not lie down santa will not come before

your eyes are closed and you are fast asleep i know its easier said than done and mommys talk is cheap

my poor child says to me one more time but mommy i saw those toys in there and they are mine. I see the rolling puppy i asked santa for, the microphone, and the panda ....but mommy i know there was more

i said gabby please lay down your head...never mind there is puke in this bed

mommy i told you i frowed up on there now mommy please listen your not being fair.

santa forgot something i know for sure so i wanna lay down so he can bring me a cure

for this exciting belly thats making me vomit and mommy go to bed i promise to stop it

i cannot sleep knowing the little one is ill

i have nothing to give her not even a pill

As we speak now i am trying and trying

to keep her in bed and stop her from prying

i told her all i knew to tell her at four

you frightened santa off but go to sleep he will come once more....to put the gifts he forgot under the tree and mommy is tired so i am going to bed and thats when my dear Gabby said

I love you so much mommy you are the best

now go to damn bed so santa can bring me the REST...lol

Good night and i am gonna try this once more and i say to my friends and i turn in bed and cut out the lights

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night

To See His Face

There was a man, a very good man
who was swept away with the wind
on one nights dreary end.
the Lord's angels came down and cast their spell
and took this man from his living hell
His misery and pain has forever gone away
but i dream each night to see his face someday.
I want to be in front of him
Staring him face to face
in his home up above, i want him to save my place.
I want to stand right next to that man
Whom i see suffer no more
To feel the warmth of his hand as he leads me to My Lord.
So each day i will live in the world,
Doing my best to be a christian and live my life and let the Lord do the rest.
I want to go to Heaven one day
but at my life's own pace
so  I can visit him where he lives and see his lovely face.
To bring this to an end and let you know its true
 live your life right and it will be true to you.
For if there is someonewhom you adore
You will be lead to the kingdom and meet them at the door  :)

Boxing Up My Life

Today I am struggling very hard with life in general.  About two days ago, if I may be honest, and even one week ago I was using my education and talents as a hospice nurse to figure out how I myself could die with dignity and as comfortable as possible.  It's sad that someone as strong as I am physically and mentally would even fathom such a thought to end their own life.  But after three divorces, losing the last one whom I thought was my soul mate and his love for me would never end, a near fatal car accident, diagnosis of not one but two diseases, and now legal issues and a job that has put me on leave without my being guilty of anything other than being sick, has seriously sucked the last bit of energy out of my physical being.  I have sit down and combed through the years, months, days, hours, minutes, and seconds of my life more times than any one person should ever have to endure.  My heart broke in different ways each time.  After my second marriage ended and having two small babies from this relationship, not to mention two older ones from previous relationships, I had a car wreck that changed my life forever.  The pain daily from the injuries sustained in the wreck are a battle I win daily because I do not take medications for the pain.  I am very strong and I take much pride in being such.   Shortly after this accident, which warranted my children and myself homeless, we found our way again, bought a home.  Then my third husband and I married and moved my kids and myself to a home we would establish our lives together forever in.  The first two years were wonderful, other than typical issues and the stubbornness and selfishness that goes along with being married to a coach.  So many things changed over the course of the years and it was heart wrenching to watch all the events and so forth unfold in front of my very eyes.  I had been here before so many times.  Sure enough I once again had to sit and go through and relive every event good and bad, of my life as I boxed my so called life up once again to move and relocate my children and myself in a new home and once again start a new life.  I do not like change and have always kept my head up and been very strong and made the changes affect my kids lives as little as possible.  We started a new life about eight months ago after a devastating breakup between my third husband and myself.  It was heart wrenching to box my life up once again.  But I must say, on 4/13/12 my life and my childrens' lives changed drastically.  I am an on call nurse, had been on call, and not to mention physically drained, dealing with not only a diagnosis of narcolepsy for several years, but now a diagnosis of demyelinating disease which was misdiagnosed and treated as lupus for over a year.  I feel as though I cannot get a break.  But it was Friday and if I could physically just push through the day it was Friday.  But events changed the course of that day and have since affected my life and those closest to me.  Today, I am once again, combing through the years, months, weeks, days, hours, minutes and seconds of my life.  I feel as though I destroy my childrens' lives even though the things that have drastically affected them are not by choice or wrong doing.  This is a difficult time.  I have always provided for my family better than any man could.  Now i am unable to even feed my children, much less keep our home.  So we are moving and will be moved before July 1st.  My heart is very heavy and I cannot keep my tears dried long enough to once again Box up my life.  This time its even worse.  I am not only boxing up our lives once again, but storing it in a storage building.  My how one's health, energy level, and their desire to achieve a career can leave you bound, helpless, and most of all at this point I feel very hopeless also.  I have always at this point been planning the road to redemption, and for the first time in my life I am not strong enough to start that journey another time.  Like always, people that have helped me through wont always be a part of my life, this hurts also.  Just once in my life I want one person to come into my life but stay.  Always.  I want that and also need it.  I'm tired of physically boxing up my life but not just that, My heart is tired of being placed in the box also.  But everyone always tells me, "Denna you are so much better alone, so much stronger, so much better."  These people do not truly see the real Denna, the girl that is so needy for affection and love that its unbearable. I also know there is no cure but only ways to slow down disease progression.  I want someone to be there for me.  When it causes me issues I truly would like someone to be there, someone who never asks me to box up my life and start over.  Until someone is boxing it up for me for I will no longer be here. 

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Silent Beast

Today I am struggling with the silent beast as I call it!! I am terribly sleepy and disoriented related to narcolepsy. I am having what I assume are new symptoms related to my demyelinating disease (probable MS which was misdiagnosed as lupus for several years) and its kicking my butt today!! I have a lot of pain for past three days mainly in my joints and a new onset of almost unbearable pain in my shoulders and elbows, especially my right, and chest pain and a fatigue impossible to resist :(. I look healthy and smile and laugh and up until recently continued to push myself to physical and mental limits most never encounter!! I fought dizziness earlier today which resulted in once again me falling in the shower. It took me ten minutes to gather my senses and make any sense to Matt on the phone. He is ten minutes away so asked that I manage to side of tub and sit! He said he would come but I had reached that all high level of turbo bitch. Thank goodness he was patient so I could t get my words out and he has been with me five years and knows this spell all too well and allowed me time to gather myself together!! Thanks babe!! However my shower was a little too hit so my sitting in the shower floor was not best atmosphere for this situation. Those of you with similar illnesses understand. Today is frustrating when no one understand the silent "slow death sentence within."