tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34385947969240781852024-03-05T03:32:06.426-08:00Not Your Average Girl Next DoorDenna Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13741167956982332671noreply@blogger.comBlogger37125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3438594796924078185.post-40701678014598134762019-10-17T14:28:00.001-07:002019-11-03T13:33:27.516-08:00Blame it on the FAME
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I met him as a child</span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I remember the mustache and his name</span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">He played more of a part in my life than he could imagine</span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">He never knew my name </span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Or probably would remember my face</span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">But he was a bigger part of my life through all ages</span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><span class="s1"></span><br></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Mama turned on the old LP and all the troubles disappeared in the night</span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">In that moment it was all right</span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I danced around like there were no worries or pain</span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I never knew who to blame </span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Blame it on FAME</span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><span class="s1"></span><br></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Few times i felt love and a tender touch</span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">The radio station tuned in</span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I couldn’t help but grin</span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">We danced lost in each others eyes</span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">We shared each others heart</span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">For a moment there was no pain</span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I never knew who to blame</span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I blame it on THE FAME</span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><span class="s1"></span><br></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Each time I lose someone close </span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I lose my hard exterior</span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">For a moment there is no shame in shedding tears</span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Missing their face</span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Everytime I think of them </span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">That song plays in my head </span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Everytime I hear your name and start to dance</span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I don’t know who to blame</span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I blame it on the FAME</span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><span class="s1"></span><br></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Watching my kids grow</span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I have no more babies </span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">They grew and left my side </span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">But everytime I hear that song it warms my soul</span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Fills my heart</span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">And oh I love this part</span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">It brings me joy and such pain</span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I never knew who to blame</span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Oh yes I blame it in the FAME</span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><span class="s1"></span><br></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I was so scared to give any man a chance </span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">To break my heart again </span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">But I’m so glad that I let him come over</span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Standing there helpless that song played I fell in love for the last time</span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">We danced and I knew he was not playing games </span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">My life has never been the same </span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I know who to blame</span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I blame it on the FAME</span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><span class="s1"></span><br></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">When feelings of blue cloud my day</span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I turned to the only medicine that makes me sane</span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I go to the jukebox</span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">And hit play</span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">All the worries fade away </span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">That’s the joy to which has a name </span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">The name it carries is FAME</span></p> Denna Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13741167956982332671noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3438594796924078185.post-62101875811286982162019-10-17T14:27:00.001-07:002019-10-17T14:27:12.376-07:00
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I can’t resist you </span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Even though your hazardous to my heart</span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Like poison to my veins</span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">My body and soul you drain</span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><span class="s1"></span><br></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Your kiss is toxic </span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">And leaves me helpless</span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">But I come back time after time for more</span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Until I’m dead on the floor</span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><span class="s1"></span><br></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I knkw your love is deadly for my heart</span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">But I allow you to continue to tear it apart</span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Breaking me down </span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Helpless I lay in your arms </span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Heart breaking head spinning </span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">But I can’t help myself at all </span></p> Denna Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13741167956982332671noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3438594796924078185.post-60670866838460417432019-10-17T14:26:00.001-07:002019-10-17T14:26:29.829-07:00
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">There's a void in my heart </span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">A space in my soul</span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">There's a place I've never known </span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">No place to call my own </span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><span class="s1"></span><br></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I've had it all</span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">And I've had nothing</span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">No food and no shelter </span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">But that's not what noones shown</span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">It's love I've never known</span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><span class="s1"></span><br></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I've known one night stands</span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I've known drunk skin on skin</span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I've known dining and the wine</span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">But never had love that was mine </span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><span class="s1"></span><br></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I want that in my life</span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I want to be more than his one night</span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I want a man to love me right</span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I want a love to call my own</span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><span class="s1"></span><br></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I had men to call my phone </span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Want my love and my kiss</span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">But there is still something missing </span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><span class="s1"></span><br></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">They come around and buy me things</span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Fall for me and buy me rings</span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I even said yes a time or two </span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">But what's missing for me is you</span></p> Denna Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13741167956982332671noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3438594796924078185.post-89865763931582867152019-10-17T14:25:00.001-07:002019-10-21T00:46:37.647-07:00She Had to Go
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">There was nothing left for her here</span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">When she's gone don't shed a tear</span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">No crying </span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">No pain</span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Just rejoice that never again</span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Will she hurt</span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Don't hate her because she had to go</span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Just in your heart know </span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><span class="s1"></span><br></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">It was not you</span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">It was not what you didn't do</span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">It's not what you didn't say</span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">That caused her not to stay</span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><span class="s1"></span><br></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">The demons that haunt her</span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">The pain In her heart</span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Was more than you could ever repair</span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">This world was more than she could bare</span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><span class="s1"></span><br></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">The past ripped her open like a knife </span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">That's why she left this life</span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><span class="s1"></span><br></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Rest easy now and know</span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Love is something she had never known</span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Something she never learned to show </span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><span class="s1"></span><br></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Life made her hard and strong </span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">And that's why she chose to screw things up and be alone</span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">She couldn't ever love you </span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Or anyone else</span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Because she never learned to love herself </span></p> Denna Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13741167956982332671noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3438594796924078185.post-62211046989906237772018-08-29T19:11:00.000-07:002018-08-29T19:21:26.290-07:002 Steps Forward and 10 Steps Back<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> I have often blogged about the daily struggles of Narcolepsy with </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Cataplexy (NWC) and Multiple Sclerosis (MS). I am a strong individual and often make the comment that MS does not quit so I opted to quit MS. The truth of the matter is neither of these incurable illnesses quit and there truly is not an option to "quit" them. I often say if I had a choice I would choose to completely rid myself of the toxic neurological disease of Narcolepsy. However, as of lately, I am unsure I still feel the same way. MS is definitely like my fellow MSers refer to as the MonSter. It literally has taken what I have built up of my life since 2012 and completely torn it down in a matter of 3 days. Once again it rears it's nasty little head as if just to make sure I remember that it is the more powerful between the two of us.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> First, just a peek into my life. Somedays I get up and stretch, other than a severe muscle cramp in my calves and the arches of my feet, occasionally in my quads or thighs, sometimes in my triceps.......it seems as thought my body is completely going to cooperate today. As I get off the bed and step.....OUCH, pins and needles that I have to just endure and walk on to the bathroom or stand still for a brief moment until it passes. Sometimes it passes quickly and other times I have to endure it and walk on before I piss myself. I am sure I look pretty silly stepping to the bathroom as though I am stepping over hot coals when there is nothing there. But its a fact that I cannot control my gait any better than some of my patients that come in our office that have just started to walk. Then as I get to the toilet just before having an accident on myself.....i feel as though I cannot pee, then it starts and then I cannot stop it and it goes on and on......as though I want to sit on the toilet until my legs fall asleep, again complicating my morning. Now it is coffee time. Jon usually fixes my coffee but he works long hours and most days he is gone long before I get up. So I am off to make my own coffee. Carrying it to the bathroom to get ready for work is a skill I have mastered after many spills and self inflicted burns. As I manage to get to the bathroom in one piece I start the shower. Most times I forget to turn on the hot or cold water and stepping into a scalding hot shower or ice cold pretty much feels the same at first until my body recognizes the difference, after I have either burned or frozen myself. I cuss, laugh, then want to cry but go on......I wash my hair, which by the time I rinse my shampoo out my arms are so tired and I am so short of breath I want to stop but I have to finish. I finish rinsing my hair then wash my body and by the time I rinse, Shaving is no longer an option. My arms and hands have had enough and I am exhausted. Sounds sill doesn't it?? Well I feel silly and weak writing this but also find such comfort in admitting the defeat I feel daily. So after drying off its time to recooperate and recharge my batteries so I can put makeup on and fix my hair. Somedays only one of these are possible. It has been several weeks since I fixed my hair and worn makeup on the same day. After living with the 2 demons daily I have learned that I have to let some things go and choose wisely so I am not low on "spoon" count before my day even starts. Now I can get dressed and after trying to rack my brain to remember which day it is and what color scrubs to wear......I choose. (I normally prevent this flustering moment by putting my daily work scrubs in order from M-T with the correct color on each day. After tripping a couple of times and a few blurted dirty words I manage to get ready to go. I manage to tie my shoes or have someone else to do it some days :( Then off to take the girls to school. Some days the oldest drives to preserve a little more energy and focus. Somedays I take a wrong turn or go the way I went to my old job but quickly straighten out and head to work. Keep in mind I am exhausted before I walk in. When I walk in the door I am proud to be able to work but also dreading trying to not only work, which is tiring, but keep all my glitches on the DL. I smile and laugh alot to hide my pain or embarassment, talk alot to stay alert and focused, and move alot to prevent pain and numbness. I am exhausted already and want to rest so bad It brings me to tears. Then I remember I am the one who woke up from a coma and went to work four short months later. I dig in and remember that I am fortunate to have my job and have the privilege to make a difference in so many lives daily. So I suck it up and get busy. Some days I am on target and work circles around myself. Other days no matter how hard I try.......I cannot keep up or get things going in a smooth manner. Everything I touch turns shitty. Then I have to have a bathroom break and revamp, remember that it is not okay to give up or to cry. Then I get back at it.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> This has not been the case this week. I lost it this week. I have worked and pushed myself to the point of exhaustion before and dearly paid. Once nearly losing my life, once nearly costing someone theirs and nearly losing my RN license. So after having two days of cataplexy attacks, which should not be happening and frustrates me to no end, and drifting during traffic stopping, i made a choice to stay home after lunch. I cant risk anything happening because my brain and body made a choice to completely shut down and quit on me :( It frustrates me so much because I have never quit on my body not once but it wants to quit on my almost daily. So I have no enjoyment, I hate summer and can barely leave my house due to heat intolerence, but now this stupid illness is trying to rob me of my work ethic also. There have been several days I have done the ultimate NO NO in by book. I broke down and cried at work. It just breaks my heart that I am no longer able to push my body to keep going. You know the saying The Mind says Go when the body says NO. This is not the case for me lately. When my body or mind says no that is it......that is the final answer, NO. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> Needless to say, I have lived with one disease most of my life, the other, probably longer than I have had a diagnosis. I have learned to live with them and know what to do to over come obstacles related to memory and physical impairment. However, I have learned this week to listen to my body and when it says to take a break, I need to listen and abide. Because my body will not give me any other choice eventually. It discourages me so much. So much that sometimes I can do nothing but cry, which helps nothing. I fought so hard to get back where I am with full time employment, fighting illness one day at a time, and my licenses in good standing where they should have always been.......2 steps forward, now my disease once again, set me 10 steps back. The state deems me able to work and not draw disability but where is a job who allows the rest periods and days off when my illness waxes and wanes. No one running a business can abide to such. So like I said I have went 2 steps forward and 10 steps back. Now to punt again and get back in the game. As soon as this body allows me to walk vertical and push on. Maybe tomorrow I will get ahead 3 or 4 steps before being pushed back to the point of starting again. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> Usually I have a more positive outlook but today I am thinking how fortunate I am to have not one but two rare diseases.....however at least after a year of misdiagnosis of Lupus at least I have peace Knowing what my diagnosis is but that is just the beginning. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> Enjoy the video......Rob Thomas wrote this for his wife who suffers from autoimmune disease......the video is very close to how it feels to suffer from MS.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtFXBeIrlHe13sIg3-lA53NGq9yc8pMYlMqbdnJGSY4Jgdg1vxcrpr708eftV1aK7jDbQWeBJ0fZM2wuPxVRz3y49gTVaF0F-myVmZNc_n0ylWH_FGZelGI9UDs1l52J15uOdr_b_Eu7SJ/s1600/narcolepsy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="1080" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtFXBeIrlHe13sIg3-lA53NGq9yc8pMYlMqbdnJGSY4Jgdg1vxcrpr708eftV1aK7jDbQWeBJ0fZM2wuPxVRz3y49gTVaF0F-myVmZNc_n0ylWH_FGZelGI9UDs1l52J15uOdr_b_Eu7SJ/s320/narcolepsy.jpg" width="320" /></a></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>Denna Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13741167956982332671noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3438594796924078185.post-88440636260525656202017-07-04T09:09:00.001-07:002017-07-04T09:17:03.372-07:00What I Learned From a ChildNot long ago I had the pleasure of meeting a little boy at the young age of 6. Upon meeting him I knew I loved his father with everything in me and I'd hoped I could teach him things that I have taught my own four children. Things about having fun, living outside the box, and just things about life, lord knows I have lived through obstacles and have steered my own kids away from my experience of finding things out the hard way. Little did I know he would teach me things. This little boy has a condition known as Autism. While spending time with this little boy I noticed he was beyond intelligent and lived in his own little world. A world I was somewhat intrigued by and curious about and jealous and envious of at the same time. While spending time with this young Boy and paying attention in great depth I acquired knowledge I feel no one else could have taught me. This child taught me something entirely cliche.....dance like no one is watching. I find myself dancing around and laughing in public, regardless of where we are, which is totally refreshing! He taught me to view the smallest things as a blessing and as exciting. Things most take for granted he becomes ecstatic about doing them. He taught me to show enthusiasm while going through life with those I love most. This would show them how much I cherish every second with them and that the smallest of things are priceless while by their side. Something that makes me feel absolutely wonderful is how everytime I walk through the door whether it be hours, minutes, or seconds later he makes me feel like he is so glad to see me and to hug me. Imagine if we treated everyone we love this way. Imagine how we all would know our worth. I'm so thankful to have met this child. To now be able to start training myself to brush off the small things and move right along. Go ahead and March to the beat of my own drum regardless who else can hear it. To smile and have fun no matter how little the activity or without even leaving home. Embrace the love of those I hold dear and show them always how excited I am to have them in my life everyday. I truly believe that God has used this condition to teach us to not be selfish and to give, laugh, love, and enjoy life. For we only have one. I'm so thankful for his dad, whom I love with all my heart and soul. But not only for his dad but thankful for his beautiful mother as well. For all she does and all she has instilled in his beautiful soul as well. Thankyou both of you for allowing me to have the pleasure of being a part of his life. I am learning everyday from him and hope I can teach him things along the way. Thankyou Denna Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13741167956982332671noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3438594796924078185.post-23786885869519414832017-04-29T09:03:00.000-07:002020-01-17T15:57:20.098-08:00For Jon<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal;"><span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;">The colors fade to black and white</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal;"><span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;">I prefer alone </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;">peace and quiet</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal;"><span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;">Unsure of what became of my smile</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;">for i haven't seen it in quiet awhile </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal; min-height: 22.7px;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;"></span><br></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;">i love unconditional and deep </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;">not the quitting kind</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;">but never have i been loved the same</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;">to my heart a man has not been kind</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal; min-height: 22.7px;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;"></span><br></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;">as i hit my knees with tears filling my hazel eyes</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;">i prayed please send me a man who tries</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;">to make me never lose my smile</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;">one who appreciates that i go the extra mile</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;">i don't need money or material possessions </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;">just someone who makes loving me his obsession</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;">one who stands in front but only to guide me</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;">to protect me</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;">not to lead me nor berate me</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;">i cried and prayed for the man of my dreams to come true</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;">dear lord to love me as i need him to</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;">i was weak and broken and i hear the lord say</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;">get up my child he will come one day</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;">please be patient for your kind heart will see </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;">it will be paid back for how you have loved me</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;">i found my strength again and dusted off my knees and looked up as i dried my tears and say thankyou for your ear</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;">i know he exists i've always known he is near </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;">and one day will come and i will cry no more tears </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal; min-height: 22.7px;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;"></span><br></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;">just as the promise was told </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;">i sent a message to a friend of old</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;">we chatted and never thought much</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;">of befriending one another again </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;">reunited as the friends we once were </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;">and talked of all we had suffered and endured </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;">then he insisted we go for a drive </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;">that i should get out for a short time</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal; min-height: 22.7px;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;"></span><br></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;">we rode for miles and talked the whole way</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;">there was not a moment we didn't smile or laugh that day</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;">as we walked that evening by the water </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;">i couldn't help but wonder</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;">what was the feeling i had felt</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;">wanting him to just take my hand</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;">why would i think that</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;">why would it cross my mind</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;">with things i had been through time after time</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;">denna what a silly stupid girl you are to want to go through the heart being scarred </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;">again?</span></div><div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal;"><span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;"> silly girl are you sure </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;">to have a man once again treat you as though your</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;">nothing and don't matter to leave you alone </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;">bruised and broken doesn't refer only to bones</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;">remember the pain you have been through and don't be the stupid romantic you are</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;">hush the voice of reason in my mind </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;">i prayed for him and i am unsure how i know this time but he's the one i been waiting for my whole life </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;">the one who needs me as much as i need him this time it's right </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal; min-height: 22.7px;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;"></span><br></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;">i played all the possible taboo through my head and the answer i got was said</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;">he is not the same and i know this to be true that he don't lie and is a gentle soul and would not put his hands on you </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;">i fought the urge to hold his hand or look in his eyes and it happened anyway to my surprise</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;">our hands met together at the same time and when i glanced over at him his eyes met mine</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;">i shivered and my heart beat fast </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;">and my tummy quivered </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;">as we walked holding hands that day by the river </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal; min-height: 22.7px;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;"></span><br></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;">today my life is perfect never mistake </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;">when the lord says he will send your heart to you he will not forsake</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;">i'm finally whole and all the love songs make sense </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;">now that i have him in my life my heart has been rinsed</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;">of all the battered bruises and voids left open like a door </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;">with one touch i knew this was the love that i had prayed for </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal; min-height: 22.7px;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;"></span><br></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;">he is gentle and kind but strong like a soldier</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;">loving me kind, fighting for my love</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;">he makes me smile and nourishes my soul and everyday my love for him grows</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;">bigger and better and will be bigger than life</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;">one day i will be honored to be his wife </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;">i said never again but today i must say</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;">i will wear his name with honor until the day </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;">i am laid to rest and leave this world</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;">i just hope i love him enough and he feels adored </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;">to know what he has done and the new life he breathed within me </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;">the heart he rebuilt and how he made me love living again</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;">how he took my broken soul and restored my faith in men</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;">he loves me like no other has ever in my time</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;">i promised him i may not love him the rest of his life </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 19px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;">but i will love him the rest of mine</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;"></span><br></div>
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<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 19pt;"></span><br></div>
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Denna Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13741167956982332671noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3438594796924078185.post-82277009164797605742015-07-02T15:40:00.001-07:002018-07-30T06:03:00.902-07:00Like I Did Today<br>
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I've never felt heartache </div>
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Like I felt today<br>While looking at my little girls as they were told<br>Their daddy had gone away<br>Not for the moment </div>
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But gone to stay<br>
Gone to heaven to work the big lights<br>
In the sky<br>
To be the scenic designer for the<br>
Lord forever by and by<br>
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<br>I've never felt heartache<br>Like I felt today<br>Looking at my daddy<br>As his mother slipped away<br>I wanted to take the pain<br>From him and consume it for my own<br>But I could do nothing more for him</div>
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Other than stay strong<br>
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Ive never felt heartache<br>Like I did today<br>When looking at my brothers face<br>As he laid his baby girl<br>In her final resting place<br>My heart was heavy but there was nothing I could do or say<br>Nothing to take his pain away........</div>
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I've never felt heartache like I did today<br>As my mothers face was stoic and sad<br>As she laid to rest, her best friend, her dad<br>I could tell although I was only a mere 8 years old<br>My mother I once knew<br>Was now gone<br>A piece of her died along with grandpa too<br>I always tried to remind her, in some ways<br>I am here for you<br>But too young to be much comfort<br>Or help ease her pain<br>My heart broke for her again and again</div>
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I've never felt heartache<br>Like I did today<br>When he told me<br>He didn't feel the same<br>My best friend , love of my life<br>No longer wanted me<br>As his wife<br>I thought this too shall pass as all my troubles had<br>Just like the last<br>But the hurt was a feeling I've never felt before<br>As I turned to walk out the door<br>He did not follow me<br>Or ask me to stay<br>I suffered my first broken heart that day</div>
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I've never felt heartache<br>Like I felt today<br>When I looked at my doctor as he told me of my fate<br>I have to stay strong<br>Just as I always have<br>Be strong<br>To help my mother along<br>But ironically my plan suddenly changed<br>As I was told that she and I suffer from the same<br>I am a Phoenix, a Titan they say<br>But I felt helpless and defeated on that day<br>He does not give us more than we can take<br>But lord I cannot take anymore weight<br>I want some of my burden to be lifted from my being<br>No more tradgedy I am pleading<br>I know I am strong<br>But I'm growing tired and weary<br>And the burdens become a struggle upon my shoulders<br>I used to move mountains<br>Now only boulders<br><br><br>Denna Dionne</div>
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Denna Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13741167956982332671noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3438594796924078185.post-38697425350521487012015-05-24T20:44:00.003-07:002015-05-24T20:44:33.861-07:00Today<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> Today</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span> <span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Today is your day you enter the real world not as a boy but as a man.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But like I've always told you time and time again</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">No matter how old you get you're always mommy's little man.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So as usual I have plenty to say and advice to give, </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">If I may.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Always look ahead to the goals you desire to dream</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Set them realistically so they are possible to achieve.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This keeps you striving because you avoid letting yourself down,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Because that's who you have to lean on</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When no one else is around.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">After reaching one you set to achieve another,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Always remember these wise words from your mother.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When your goals are reached the adventure has just about to begin,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And during your travels you will rise and fall again and again.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Some days are tough and some hardest of all,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But today I want you to know I will catch you when you fall.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When the world can be cruel and mean just know that it happens to all us and deal with it clever and keen.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Our outlook and poise during the times we get knocked down,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Determine how we continue,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Just tune out all the noise</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Today I give you a gift to last your whole life through</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Don't let people interrupt your path to yourself stay true.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Be kind to everyone no matter their worth or looks because</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Some of the most valuable people you will meet don't fit in or go by the books.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Treasure your family because you're true shelter they are</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">They are always here for you no matter where you go or how far.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Today I remind you of what I hoped you learned from words I spoke that didn't mean anything then </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But when circumstance pushes you will hear them time and time again.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Smile at strangers and be kind to the poor</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Don't break anyone's heart intentionally because broken wings make it impossible to soar.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Take my lessons and remember them don't make mistakes as mine</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But know any choices I made seemed right at the time</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Be loyal to your friends and family for some don't have any</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But also just ignore and don't waste time on you're enemies.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Treat women like a lady never treat one mean or unkind</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Don't break people's trust because it's hard to get back for quiet sometime.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Enjoy life because we only have one</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This also means be smart and think before you act my son</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Today you start a whole New chapter in life</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Its full of surprise, success, and strife </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">God blessed you with more than you know at this time</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And he blessed me with you sweet child of mine.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So Today put on that crooked littke grin that will probably get you out of as much trouble</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">As it gets you in.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Today I watch my baby walk across that stage</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And start life starting a new page.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I hope I loved you enough for you to make your way</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> as I let go of My baby and welcome my young man today</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Today I won't cry because although you've grown-up </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">You will hopefully never grow apart because today I want you to know </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">That you are a quarter of my heart.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It isn't whole without you in it</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So today you start life</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Be in it to win it.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Happy Graduation</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I love you Blake </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Mom</span>Denna Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13741167956982332671noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3438594796924078185.post-52098226523788021692015-01-17T12:09:00.001-08:002015-01-17T12:11:34.084-08:00From the Coach's Wife's Desk<p dir="ltr"> I sit here thinking, contemplating on even publishing my excerpt during the season where we have such victory yet defeat.  Defeat in fans, parents, fair weather friends, and even issues at home when the HOME team needs the coach and the "HOME" TEAM needs the coach as well.  I'm often asked to cross my Ts and dot my Is check myself and remember where I am from before I speak. My head coach prefers for me let things roll and take it with a grain of salt, ignore it, and leave my witty sarcasm out of my discussion.  Then I remember that so many times as a single mom and dad, a hospice nurse, a patient who awoke from a coma scared, a rehab patient who became friends with her therapists, a person with so much physical and emotional pain, a person burdened with Narcolepsy and Cataplexy and multiple sclerosis, and a person that  has been on every socio-economic level from making fine as a single woman, to losing weight working 2-3 jobs to feed my kids, to the person everyone Sat with just because of who I was at the time, back to homeless and hungry due to working myself to death as a single mother and not having the choice to stop or to rest.  After remembering all of that and realizing this is why give had the same friends a lifetime, why I was the trauma and ortho docs favorite yet most sarcastic patient, why my mom who lives far away and my step dad are bored when I return home after a visit, why friends know I will be truthful, and always admit what I said.  Also why people know there aren't skeletons in my personal closet because I am not ashamed and pull them out myself so you have nothing to say.  It takes the fun out of talking about people when they have already spilled the beans lol.  Then I read  the name on my blog. I realize I can say whatever I want. In my blog I am the head coach this is MY HOME COURT, Like real life my players are my readers :) some are on board with my game some aren't. And just like readers have the choice to read another blog, players have a choice to play for another team, simple. I have no pity for ones that say impossible. I attended a high school which I adored and wanted My kids to attend the same. My oldest was an outstanding basketball player and did not make the team at my large and prestigious alma mater. As a parent, I don't assume my child should make teams, make all-star, and definitely start on a team.  Once my son was used for one purpose and it was not that I knew he was capable of so much more but HE KNEW...he was repeatedly brought off the bench to shoot his mean 3 and put the team back ahead. What a chore for a mere sophomore who adored playing B team because all He wanted to do was play but he did it. No qurstions, no whining to me for he knew my reply.  I moved him from my alma mater across to another town were this is exactly what the coach did with him. My child was a minority at that HS but like I always told him....there is no place to belly ache you wanna compete? Dig in and earn that spot put in extra time at the gym....mission accomplished, however the situation remained the same.  Some would have pulled the race card or put it all over MySpace lol.  Going to play for the blue map, after my child always being called in to dig the team out of the hole, didn't get in hardly at all if at all. With the student section screaming "put Barnes in!" <br>
I assured my son he helped them get there,chin up. It wasn't til after this team got kicked out of basketball camp twice for fighting or stealing that my son chose not to play with these type people any longer.  He said he was not playing and verbalized that this school in his credentials may hinder him from attending the very college they were stirring up a ruckus.  I knew his love of the game so I switched schools once more to a small county school on a mountain top that didn't stand a chance.....of course my kid was the star and took them to victory many Times. However the other side of that is another son awesome at football but loved basketball also and looked up to his brother. Now this brings me to my entire reason for this blog.<br>
     I have an issue with my coach being accused of playing children lucky enough to be born to certain parents, living a certain lifestyle, or being wealthy. Because first of all, my entire household believes a kid has nothing, their parents may, the child however doesn't have one red cent. Money does not win ballgames. Of course except in the NBA when you practically "buy" the best players :D okay now that we are clear on that let me sarcastically paint another picture for those who don't understand ..... I was taught better by my all American mom and dad who taught me to work and work harder, no handouts and nothing worth having is free.....I hate not everyone is taught this growing up. I'm sorry for that, really.  What wins games in high school is just the simple remedy of talent + hard work + strategy + some God given natural talent + knowing your opponent + desire to win, and like him or not,  just some Damn good coaching. They don't teach the real coaching tactics in college. Its experience, having been there. It is a "calling." I can rest easy knowing that when my coach stands before God he will have plenty to discuss after fulfilling his purpose :) Not once has he questioned it or tried to rebuke his calling. I will never forget the anger and hurt I have felt in the past with my coach being accused of being biased, prejudice, or favoring anyone, and the best....and most humorous ......trying to please certain parents.  Lets revert back to my football player that LOVES basketball. HE just happen to be the age where my coach was the head coach and was holding tryouts.  So proud of my coaching tactics and skills.....wait I mean parenting skills.My son said how nice and easy if I were automatically on the team because of " who I am but I know I got to hustle and I also know I'm not quiet the player as some of my peers," how mature.  Well my coach aka husband cut this child, my child, how dare he, how could this be?? Know why cause He needs to WIN. WINNING KEEPS HIM EMPLOYED AND FOOD IN MY FAMILY'S MOUTH, A ROOF OVER OUR HEADS, THE POSSIBILITY OF MY DAUGHTERS GRADUATING FROM A SCHOOL THEY ADORE, and remaining happy for the first time since losing their biological father a little over a year ago.  It means I continue medical treatments for my illness.   This coach is coaching more than just a game on the court.  I am sick at times and need a coach myself, but mine is coaching elsewhere.  Many days of collapsing, spasms, pain.....I want MY coach here coaching to keep me at the level I am and not worse.  He's coaching his life passion but yet coaching my girls way of hopefully remaining in one place. When they cry about a father gone and need the one here known as daddy also, he is busy with others' children.  So I get horrifically offended by the selfish, childish, comments made before realizing that court and that gym is only a small fraction of my coach's life. <br>
     I wish I had a dollar for every hurt feeling, sad and happy one, every regret he has because the game got so intense that his intentions are lost, and for every tear I've seen him shed for what a player may be going through that he shares with his coach, my coach. I would be wealthy, wealthier than I am in witnessing it first hand.<br>
     Last, when my coach is slandered, verbally or on social media, I have to wonder, what are you teaching your kids? Its ok to gossip, point fingers, or even cyber bully? I can tell you it is the exact message that is being sent.  I fail miserably at messages I send my kids time and time again. Because although I come from a family and a school that exemplifies class I am still me. I have a short fuse and the desire to defend my family with the fight of a tiger. As a young mother 25 years ago I had been known to take it outside or ask one to take a seat or I would gladly show you to your seat.  But not until the verbal attack on my kids became physical or intimidating or vulgar to my cubs.   Like TNT.... I had a very hard time teaching my kids that education, class, knowledge is triumphant over temper when mine is so short,  no tolerance for BS, immaturity,drama, bullying, stupidity, etc.....but I met a coach.  He taught me that extra part of class I was lacking. That part where it's ok to be bossy, sarcastic, witty, and stand up for myself and my kids, my family and friends, and what I believe in.  He taught me that even though a majority of my views are legit and right on.....not all of them are and it is ok to think other people's views are just as legit in their homes<br>
     In closing, before you hide behind social media or a church door or a cell phone, camera, whatever your poison, know that my baby girls hear things and their feelings have been hurt and for that reason it became my business! But without the sarcasm or the things I would like to say I will close in a thank you. Thanks coach for teaching me things later in life, things my poor parents never could enforce because I was then an adult out on my own and allowed so many obstacles and triumph to make me hard. Thanks for instilling the piece of class I lacked, of walking away at times as opposed to wasting my breath that falls onto deaf ears.  Thanks for constantly butting your head against a brick wall called stubbornness when trying to have your sweet compassion rub off on me and for teaching Me sweet revenge and being a mastermind revenge queen wasn't sweet after all.  Off the record thanks for staying with me through my wreck,coma, and long rehab when we thought I may not walk.......thanks for asking for my hand, love you BIG.  YOU didn't have to saying as you came into our lives only four months prior to that day. Thanks for coaching and loving us through.  Most of all thanks for loving me the assistant coach, even though here is my court, my team, my way.......<br>
     And as for the lovers and the haters. Team is team and every player matters. My coach finally instilled this in my boys who always said who cares if we win a ring if I never play......<br>
I knew this when my youngest boy, the one who didn't make my coach's team, in good spirits says...during and intense time playing football for MSHS says " our WINNING football dynasty is only as good as the scout team!!!" haha love it. And such truth  from such a young man.  With that said I think an awesome bunch of kids are learning what winning feels like!<br>
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Denna Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13741167956982332671noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3438594796924078185.post-67351299163590751932014-06-18T17:07:00.001-07:002015-01-26T16:57:52.202-08:00Who We AreThis is part 1 of blog sessions I am calling <div>Crossover: The Coach's Wife's Guide for The Coach On and Off the Court :D </div><div><br></div><div>Who is the coach's wife? Let me start by saying we are people and spectators of the sport, a human, a mother, a daughter, a wife, we just happen to be married to the coach. We work in a different field than out coach yet raise our children alone a majority of the time and still keep the house in order and support our favorite coach. </div><div> What do we want? I can only speak for some of the wives I've met throughout my being drafted by our coaching hubbies but I am not shy to speak up. </div><div>First of all, what we want from the general public is easy, simple treat people how you want to be treated Golden Rule. Please don't judge me on my appearance or the fact I try overly hard to get to know you or make sure everyone knows I'm the new coach's wife. Also on the other side and as for myself, please don't judge me because I seem snotty or unapproachable just because I keep to myself and am not overly involved. Some people are more comfy in the spotlight and are so utterly proud of her coaching spouse they seem to be all over the place and everyone's bestie. The rest of us are perfectly content just introducing ourselves as ourselves not the coach's wife. We lose our own identity through the process of being teamed up with a coach so never expect me to say I am the coach's wife until after I've used my name :) because not only am I Justin,Blake, Baylee, and Gabby's mom, I am Debbie's daughter and Billy's youngest, Mike's sister, and so and so' sold hospice nurse, I am also known as ......yep "the coach's wife." </div><div> We want respect not to bash the man we love within hearing distance. We love our loud coach just as you love your banker, accountant, preacher, iron worker, doctor, lawyer, etc etc. How would you react to one of us bashing your spouse and talking about his piss poor job when there is no way I can do his job? Correct it would not be pleasant.....so I ask for understanding and forgiveness when I react the same way! Also we ask get know us for us. Don't eat me up to my face because I am the coach's wife, I have no pull with my coach if your son is picked for his team or gets cut.....NONE! He cut our own child the second day of tryouts so that's no necessary. Do not dislike us because you dislike our coach. We are not the coach and have no control over his temper when he feels his team could give more or when he feels the referee is cheating his team. Do not judge me on his performance and avoid me during losing streaks or when your child doesn't play as much as you think they should. And don't act as though I'm a personal best friend during winning seasons and when your child is the star player. That will only start rumors about us both from the prior one because our friendship is why your child starts. No again my own child my own flesh and blood got cut! I have no say in who is on the coach's team! </div><div> And last for now, do NOT for one moment think that when the game is over and everyone goes home that I get my love back.......because I don't! He replays the game over and over until he is ready for bed. During the off season he works behind the scenes trying to make the program better to inspire young athletes to give 100%. Don't get angry when he scolds a child because he scolds mine twice as bad and it's for the same reasons not doing your part or doing your best or simply not doing what your told!! And please don't expect wins all the time and judge his ability on the record! He is teaching your child more than just ball, he or she may not know it yet but later will realize what he learned from my coaching hubby. Never doubt my coach's feelings for his players for your kids are the topic of conversations at my house or over dinner when we have our own kids. Your child's needs and interest get met often before our own. Not because it's his job....know that it's his job because it's his calling, his passion, his Love for the game! </div><div>XXOO</div><div><br></div><br><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUKTFG_bbUWE5CapwNOtEWM8QiY5eswEDDUk6nkifDyswEPRFLqBBNKzPbHP2LljGzYRCkMqsq2kiokNKX3ORyIFW04773x5xpWSlvnzn6XZkrWNY5drpisATKkWTEeTZdRxJ4sqLzOujN/s640/blogger-image--1297314390.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUKTFG_bbUWE5CapwNOtEWM8QiY5eswEDDUk6nkifDyswEPRFLqBBNKzPbHP2LljGzYRCkMqsq2kiokNKX3ORyIFW04773x5xpWSlvnzn6XZkrWNY5drpisATKkWTEeTZdRxJ4sqLzOujN/s640/blogger-image--1297314390.jpg"></a></div>Denna Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13741167956982332671noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3438594796924078185.post-80161292695651966012014-06-10T12:58:00.001-07:002014-06-10T13:00:24.026-07:00Hard Pill to Swallow Often in life we deal with things that are "hard to swallow." Rejection, death of loved ones, broken heart, humiliation, and sometimes, the truth. Lord knows I've had my days of hard to swallow but seems as though the absolute worst of times can be the best of times. I don't know if this is a mind game or trickery I have mastered to soothe my soul during constant obstacles or if I really do have a knack for being thankful for the good in my life.<br />
For starters I struggle with the obstacles of MS and Narcolepsy with cataplexy daily. No one or anyone EXCEPT someone with both can fathom the daily hurdles. The struggle of simply getting a shower which somedays is more tiring than the actually not having a shower, hard pill to swallow. Being so fatigued that I prefer to not speak to or see anyone from the outside world, arms giving out before I can dry my hair, not to mention getting so overheated that I no longer feel like doing anything else before having a nap, very hard pill to swallow. Not being able to remember or recall things that happened or forgetting important dates yep I get choked on that also. Numbness or pain to the point I'd just soon stay in bed all day to avoid a fall, injury, or embarrassment, yes big pill to swallow. Fatigue that's more than being tired and even a 24 hour shift as a nurse plus being up for 24 more doesn't touch it. Again hard to swallow when I used to be someone that everyone thought NEVER ran out of energy, worked two sometimes three jobs. People assuming your lazy or depressed because of something other than trying to make the best of a life drastically changed? Yeah you guessed it. <br />
One of the two hardest things is trying to explain it to people or trying not to get pissed over the advice they give when they are not even educated to the disease. I find everyday the less I like the general population and the more I like those like me. Those with autoimmune illnesses where their body is constantly trying to attack itself. No two people are effected alike. Not everyone falls asleep in their soup and with MS not everyone is in a wheelchair. So all the advice, judgement, and misunderstandings are a very hard pill to swallow.<br />
In closing the hardest of all for me is the day of my accident and the arrests and DUI and mostly the media spotlight and all the cruel comments about me and wishing bad things on my innocent family who had nothing to do with it. It was so hard to have not one person other than my family and friends and those that knew me to even try to defend my character. Anyone that knows me knows my pride was my reputation and my God given talent of being such a skilled hospice nurse. My heart hurts every single day for a man don't even know. I wish him nothing but the best and for whatever would make his life easier. Not one time did I pray for myself through any of this nor try to excuse anything. I was physically and emotionally exhausted and like other times due to what I know now was cognitive impairment, took the wrong medicine at the wrong time. I was oblivious to what I had done. I was living in a nightmares of my own and continue physically and mentally daily to do so. Not karma because the good lord knows me, what's in my heart, and that things were totally health related and not intentional. But the people of the world avoid ambien it is truly a hard pill to swallow and should be banned, in my opinion. <br />
In closing, to those who wish harm, passed judgement with no knowledge of circumstance, to the people who never give others a chance, cannot forgive, cannot ask forgiveness because crow is also hard to swallow, those who gossip, and to the ones who claim to have never known me or aren't truthful about any relationship with me, claim to be Christian yet lie and judge? Be prepared because karma is the hardest pill of all to swallow. So save room for it. Treat people how you want to be treated because you can have your life as you know it jerked out from under you too. My life has changed drastically because of two invisible illnesses and I "look fine" I know this and please never say it to me again for your pills will be hard to swallow with your jaws wired shut ;)<br />
<br />Denna Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13741167956982332671noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3438594796924078185.post-70469208928828636192013-11-27T16:07:00.001-08:002013-11-27T16:07:14.302-08:00This Is My Life. I have sat up alone until 2-3:00am several days this week. In the hours I have sat and played games on my cell phone or researched the best alternative methods for relieving symptoms of each of my illnesses, I have also thought about my life and questioned myself. What have you done with your life? Did it matter to anyone and have you made a difference? Has it been enough? I have never felt like no matter how many jobs I have held down at once, how many kids I have reared, nor how awesome they all are, I have always felt the need to do more or accomplish more. Now that I have let MS and Narcolepsy get the best of me lately and I no longer get to do hospice for a living, I sit and ponder on my life. From the start of struggle to now. <br />
First of all I was a teen mom. It was not glorified then. There was no cover of a magazine or TV show. Those shows seem to make the Teenage mom look both harder and easier than it really is. I wrote Memoirs of a Single Mother over the years and hopefully one day I will publish it or get the nerve to share it so that people can understand what it is really like. Not how Hollywood makes it look. I remember sitting alone at night and pregnant and only 16. I was alone, except for my parents and brother, scared to death, excited, and full of guilt for being excited. I was humiliated and embarassed and full of guilt for allowing myself to feel such, because I am strong, a leader not a follower, and I am myself and have never tried to be anything except that. I also was angry. Angry because I gave in and made a choice about something I knew very little about. Angry because I always "mothered" alot of my friends and also had done very little compared to some of them. However, my mistakes were MINE. Not my friends or my parents. I look back and I am very proud of the type parent I was to him. And to hear some of the heart felt things my baby boy, now 24 years old, says to me more than confirms it. However it was difficult. Such a young age to be worried about dating to find someone to accept he and I as an instant made family, to worry about dating different guys until I found the right one and confusing my son. Despite my careful efforts and choosing to stay with the one I was dating because in a blink of an eye a year had passed, then two, that I invested in that relationship. Despite my efforts to make his life the best I could as a single mother, I married, had a child then it ended in divorce. Despite my efforts to shield, NOW two boys, I failed myself again. Many nights of bars with my girlfriends, dating, and just loving enjoyable days with my kids, movie nights and baseball games etc, many lonely nights consumed me. I don't know why I am cursed with the burning desire to be loved, accepted for my good as well as my bad, and having a soulmate to catch me when I fall and pick me up and brush me off, someone to share my happiness and sorrows with. BUT I am cursed with such. I again married and to no avail somehow I failed again, of course not by myself, but another failed relationship and two little girls later, I was a single mother again. Full of guilt and a heavy heart. Guilty of what? Again in my life I just accept what life hands me and roll with the punches. VERY shortly later I ran into my TRUE soulmate. First thing I thought was "Denna don't rush, don't think so much either, just Let It Be. Come What May. After a few short months of dating my life changed forever. A near fatal car accident that almost cost me my life. Months of rehab and pain that I hope to never experience again, I was myself again. Well so I thought. That accident changed my life and affects it every day. On a brighter note, that wonderful guy I met and dated stood by me through my coma and rehab. Tucked me in bed. He and my mother and father and step mom took very good care of me. Later I became the luckiest woman alive and became that fella's wife :)) For the first time, whether it was me, my being more mature, or the fact I FINALLY got it right, I was happier than I could ever remember. To my suprise again I found a way to allow someone to fall out of love. I have never in my life hurt so bad. I finally understood what it meant when they call it heartbreak. That feeling of not wanting to pull out of your own driveway but Noone asking you not to go and allowing you to do so felt like a dagger. Again my kids became my strength and this time I could not find the strength to me so strong and so resilient. I crumbled. For the firs time in my life I could not say I am bruised not broken. I was completely broken. I have a reputation. One of being so strong that it is envious to others. One of coming out of everything unscathed. One of rising above it all. A Phoenix. I put that face on and tried my hardest to turn my pain into anger like I have always done. I was angry. I was hurt and mad as hell but other than through using a forked tongue and saying I was mad and not showing my hurt to just anyone, I was dead inside. I literally wanted to die. I feel so guilty to this day because for the very first time in my life I could not look at my kids or my parents and say that anyone was enough to pull me out of the dark place I was in. As if things were not bad enough, struggling with Narcolepsy with Cataplexy, Nightmares nightly, being exhausted, being a single mom of four, losing control of my house because I truly did not care anymore, I got the news. I got the diagnosis of an incurable disease. My mom lives away and I am a daddy's girl too but outside of the parental support, I was alone. Alone to figure out what was going on and what direction to take. THEN BAM my life stopped and changed forever. I had a wreck while at work and after another restless night and a night of being on call. I have not spoke much about it. But from what I am told if I want to make a difference I have to be honest. I also find that the best writing comes from true self honesty and openess. I was guilty of two missed calls previously while on call. Both close to 5am which is the time me, like most Narcoleptics, actually gets to a comfortable rest. I was told that I would be terminated if I missed another call. Therefore I slept in scrubs, shoes on, one foot on the floor. I didn't miss a call but what occured cost me much more than a job I could have replaced. If you know anything about Narcolepsy or Multiple Sclerosis you know that stress is the WORST thing ever. I also had an extremely low sodium level at the time which added to disorientation and confusion. I think I was beyond tired, drained emotionally and physically. I had already told my boss via text message, after the second write up, that I needed to seek other employment because I could not do on call and have to be at work the next day any longer. I was not accommodated and that is history. BUT I have never taken care of myself and have always put myself second, well fifth behind my children and spouse. Now alone with my kids I was STILL doing this. I found how that I need to take care of myself a little too late. I had the wreck and due to be emotionless (so the police say) the cop decided to give a little balance test. Anyone that knows me knows what a difficult task this is somedays. This particular week was really bad and now I know due to stress of heartache, over worked, stress of single mother life, stress of new diagnosis, and stress of losing my insurance right after diagnosis of one of the most expensive illnesses to treat, and stress of doing my damnest to find direction. I was wandering around aimlessly without being a wife and mom and working myself to death. I had lost my way. I went to jail for the first time in my life. At the end of the day I was ANGRY, sad, confused, and numb. I called my first person, the one I always want to tell things to FIRST. Good, Bad, and the Ugly. We both cried. To this day I have no clue WHY it happened or How. I have YET to have an explanation. My doctor has several good theories but still not an understanding of how and why I was in such a catatonic state and how a medication that had been filled once in a year and used two days prior had such a profound affect on me. I guess I will never know. Any damages done I am sure do not compare, but, I spent a year ripped down emotionally, physically, financially, and my self worth, reputation, and work reputation completely demolished. I still struggled daily and cried daily. I ended up losing my job followed closely by my house and car. I am so thankful to have saved a TINY bit for a rainy day. Needless to say it ran out very quickly. Never in my life would anyone have ever thought, especially me who has NEVER returned home since I left at 20, and never drained my parents financially or used them for baby sitters constantly, would be without anything and unable to help myself. I was broke, homeless, had no car, no job, no health, no insurnace for me and my kids, and noone to suffer with. Truly my lowest point in my life. Yet still I would trade places with the other party involved. I would. My heart breaks because of not being able to see, talk to, or help someone else. My day will come, hopefully. But after all the suffering, little did I realize my pain and anguish and worry with not only my legal issues, but my illness had just begun. For an entire year I waited daily. Everyday to hear from a lawyer, DA, Opposing lawyer, bill collector, doctor, or to recieve supoenas, court notifications etc. It was not until an entire year later I was told to come to court and give a guilty plea to be done with everything. That was one of the hardest things I have EVER done in my life was saying I was guilty of something I was not. I was but was not, not intentionally. However, I was so thankful to be done, guilty or not the end of it and not waiting daily for another moment and no threats of going to prison for being sick , I will take it. Then came weeks of enduring things ordered by the court system that should have been behind me at that point, a year ago. Now after a loss of a total of about $155,000 which includes court fees, fines, my dad's loss of bail money which was posted at $50,000, a lawyer fee of $20,000, loss of yearly income etc. There was 6 months of probation which cost monthly, color code, which cost monthly. I have it behind me but I am still haunted and troubled deeply from it all. The two main things was nothing to do with money. It was complete loss of self dignity, heart ache of anyone ever questioning my innocence, my loss of my work ethic and work reputation, my life as a hospice provider, and the embarassment my kids must have faced. The friends it cost them whose parents would not let them come over due to newspaper publicity and incrimination. Here's to you to all those "so called Christians" haha We obviously are reading two different Bibles. Now, I have no job, feel like a failure with no purpose in life, and I have gained weight and feel terribly unattractive. BUT I am happier than I have been in about three years. I have everything I need. I have my soulmate back in my life, my kids are all happy and excel. I have my parents and wonderful step parents and a good, boring and not purpose driven, but good life. I hate myself for not being able to contribute right now but my big guy loves having me at home and if that is what he wants then that's OK with me. He always says to enjoy being able to stay home and be a mom for once. It is very hard because I have been that mommy but also always made good money as an RN and made my own way. BUT we are happy and my heart is whole. I truly could not ask for more. Well one thing........I do want to help raise awareness especially about narcolepsy. I read a book that helped me more than I can explain. Julie Flygare's "Wide Awake and Dreaming" and she also published a poem i wrote about my tormenting dreams to her website. JulieFlygare.com. She emails me or comments on fb about certain things and she has no clue how inspired she makes me. In days following hearing from her I am right there about to become the Phoenix i once was :)) I emailed the Ellen show today and told her Julie is my hero. Asked her to read Julie's book and to look at her website. I included that all I was asking was for Ellen to look at my blog and to look at Julie's book and website. And I included how I would like to meet Julie in person. I hope that one day I reach someone and inspire them like she does me whether I do write a book, or it is through my poems, or possibly this blog. I do not think I will ever get a book published because the Real story about struggles of being a teen mom is not near as intriguing as drama and MTV SO, maybe I will eventually get more followers and somewhere some girl that is NOT your average girl next door, although she appears to be, will look forward to my blogs to inspire her and make her hopeful. Denna Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13741167956982332671noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3438594796924078185.post-40849566546420746012013-11-24T16:06:00.000-08:002013-11-24T16:26:27.893-08:00Right There In That TimeHer body was healthy, solid<br>
As any woman could be<br>
That was not the problem you see<br>
<br>
It was a disease that stole her mind<br>
Erasing her memory and stopped life <br>
Right there in that time<br>
<br>
She recognized only faces<br>
of love so strong<br>
Nothing could rob her of that love which <br>
she had felt for so long<br>
<br>
The look in her eyes each time I saw her face<br>
Said "I am lost and alone and I do not know this place"<br>
"I am feeble and weak and want to go home<br>
But I know nothing but these people that I cannot leave alone"<br>
<br>
The look in her eyes<br>
when she was in fear merely from me trying to care for her<br>
brought me to tears<br>
<br>
But all my hurt and pain <br>
as if her entire world was filled with rain<br>
disappeared in an instant<br>
when that shine in her eyes appeared<br>
when a certain man appeared in it<br>
<br>
Her love<br>
Her heart<br>
Would come in the room<br>
and her eyes lit up <br>
Everytime she heard that familiar sound of his voice <br>
as he would say what had quiet a ring to it<br>
Howdy Doody Judy<br>
There are no words I can write to prove it<br>
<br>
It was as though her whole face became aglow<br>
Her heart filled with a kind of love <br>
that most of us will never know<br>
<br>
Her feeble body suddenly became strong as ten men<br>
and her eyes said<br>
That she knew the sound <br>
so familiar in her head <br>
It was then and I knew only then<br>
True love existed in that place<br>
Right there in that time<br>
<br>
Ther world stood still to her<br>
with his face and touch<br>
The love that I witnessed made me miss my love<br>
so much<br>
<br>
When in the world where she had no recollection<br>
of much at all<br>
But when her family came in<br>
That was all brought to a halt<br>
almost as if the terrible curse was nonexistant<br>
the love was too strong for it to consume her mind<br>
Right there in that time<br>
<br>
I witnessed a feeble, emaciated body<br>
and a mind that was gone<br>
That had been confused and scared<br>
for so so long<br>
<br>
But in that instant <br>
Her love popped in the room<br>
The confusion and fear stopped<br>
with the mere sight and sound of her groom<br>
<br>
It broke my heart to have to ease her into my every visit<br>
each and every day<br>
But my compassion turned to comfort every time<br>
merely for the sake<br>
That I could say his name<br>
And peace came upon her face<br>
And it was as if love filled the entire place<br>
<br>
He loved her so deep and so strong<br>
That the simple fact that she recalled<br>
Showed me that true love and an open heart<br>
could not be wrong<br>
<br>
Meeting her and the chance to love her<br>
taught me much in my own life to date<br>
That pride and a closed heart<br>
Is one of hate<br>
One of lonliness and a destined fate<br>
to never experience the fairy tale<br>
I knew could be true<br>
And for the lesson from a woman without knowledge of teaching me<br>
I say <br>
Thank you <br>
Thankyou for showing me it was okay to reclaim love that was always mine<br>
Right there in that time<br>
<br>
Her mind was more erased over the months and the days<br>
But her love and heart always stayed<br>
<br>
She walks with angels<br>
and her mind is now clear<br>
The thought of her finally reclaiming all the time and memories <br>
again brings me to tears<br>
But tears of joy and warmth<br>
that her thoughts are rekindled <br>
and she smiles so kind<br>
And she is remembering every detail <br>
Right there in that time<br>
<br>
I now have learned to love <br>
like never before<br>
And open up that once closed door<br>
The door to my heart <br>
Now that I am free<br>
AGAIN I want to thank that little cutie<br>
And as her love would say<br>
Howdy Doody Judy<br>
<br>
She waits there on the streets of gold<br>
With ALL her memories far and old<br>
But the one thing that I admired most<br>
The memories that are so fine<br>
was how she NEVER forgot the love<br>
There in that time<br>
<br>
Smile that wonderful smile <br>
Let those eyes sparkle and dance<br>
And now that your memories are yours again<br>
Look forward to one day having that chance<br>
To greet your love<br>
at Heaven's door<br>
And you will have enternity to share memories galore<br>
<br>
Oh how wonderful it will be <br>
Eternity with him in it<br>
Right there, <br>
In that minute<br>
<br>
<br>
For Judy and Johnny Watson<br>
Former hospice patient but friends<br>
Victim of Alzhiemers<br>
<br>
Denna Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13741167956982332671noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3438594796924078185.post-76805452894804359672013-11-24T09:46:00.000-08:002013-11-24T16:08:01.351-08:00Text Between a Mother and SonI recieved a text message from my oldest son Justin, now 24 years old. I recieved it while sitting in my neurosurgeon's office for a seven hour visit to start my treatments for my MS. He has no clue how much this conversation meant and still means to me. He and I are very close and this simple text conversation brought the meaning of closeness to an entirely different level. I know we all love our kids relentlessly but this child and myself could write a book about Teen Mom. I was never on the cover of People Magazine or on an episode of a TV show that glorifiede teen pregnancy. That show is not reality. But me and this child were. Somehow through mulitple marriages and one marriage and two other step fathers me and this child have made reality seem easy. Although not always his love for me and mine for him has always been perfect. We have had our ups and downs like most but in the end........he is my BEST friend. NEVER once was I ashamed to be a mother. Although I had everything most teenage girls want, I never missed being Homecoming court, cheerleader, or class favorite when he came into my life. I was an excellent example of what a teen mom should have been, not what was portrayed on TV. I love this child with all my heart. He isnt fake and loves simple life, just how I wanted him to be. I really did do it right even at such a young age. I am doing this blog because we all know electronics and I am so fearful of losing this text conversation between us as I sat alone in an exam room with my wonderful father to start a journey that will be traveled for as long as I live. He has no idea how much it meant. He is more private than I because I find comfort in using life struggles to see me through and sharing them. So I want this text conversation saved for as long as I live so I chose to Blog about it and quote it verbatum. I plan on future blogs to share my "Memoirs of a REAL Teen Mom" so here is the beginning, starting not at the beginning but the present :)) Here is a conversation that brought me to tears and smiling as he sent this to me. <br />
<br />
Justin:<br />
Love u mom, more than anything in this in this world, you've had the biggest influence on my life and was ther for me more than anyone. I just wanted to let you know I'm so proud for what u done in life, you've made it through stuff that would kill 99% of people and still keep smiling. You've bounced back and came out of the hardest situations. I love and I am honored and proud to call u my best friend and mom.<br />
<br />
Me:<br />
Baby I love you more than I can ever tell u sweetheart!! You changed my life 24 years ago for the better and showed me love I never knew existed :) and that is the absolute most important thing anyone has ever said to me :))) that makes me have a whole new outlook and I am gonna kick this MS' freakin ass!! <br />
<br />
Justin:<br />
YES!! Just be pumped you can do it, I'm not even worried about it because you've done faced death in the face and overcame some of the most difficult things physically and emotionally. And you will run through this like faucet water, you will destroy it! Me and Blake are extremely proud of you and will back you in anyway. You've already every goal as best mom ever so don't ever feel like u haven't, bc to me and Blakey ur the best thing to ever happen to us.<br />
<br />
Me:<br />
Well good cause I know I haven't been perfect :)) but I sure thought the love we all have for eachother is perfect enough and what decisions I was making at the time seemed right!!<br />
Despite anything and everything (didnt save this part but i think i said our family is full of love and strong)( I told him how much Matt loves him and Blakey and often wants to tell them he loves them but young men at their age he fears would think it was weird lol)<br />
<br />
Justin:<br />
Awh yeah we got a good lil family, I love everyone in it to pieces. Matt's family to and I love ole Matt he's good people. I like watching sports with him more than I've ever liked watching it before<br />
<br />
Me:<br />
Well good :) I love u baby doll<br />
<br />
Justin:<br />
Love u to<br />
<br />
Me:<br />
Tell me funny YouTube videos to watch lol me and dad are laughing at some and that movie trailer for Bad Grandpa haha<br />
<br />
After this Justin sent me exactly what I needed and suggested Bill Dance's Funny out takes. Me and dad laughed until I thought I would have an episode of cataplexy, sitting outside the physician's office :-D<br />
<br />
I was so thankful that day for this text and for my daddy being with me and for the sweet text messages from friends and from my step mom and family. <br />
Thankful to be able to call mother who returned my call later and tell her about my 7 hour doctor visit because she shares the same illness. <br />
<br />
Reason for writing this blog though is to cherish this moment. My son Justin and I have been one another's steady constant through divorce from a long 11 year relationship with a man who accepted him since he was less than a year old but our marriage ended. A little brother that he adores was a result of this marriage. A three year relationship with a man that was VERY good to us but I knew it wasnt forever and didnt want to put him through his mom having that experience again. Then a second marriage that ended in divorce for reasons my ex and I know but I found forgiveness as did he and the result, ex in laws that still mean the world to me and two of the most beautiful souls ever put on this earth by God himself. Also a third marriage to the kind of man I dreamed about since I was old enough to become the hopeless romantic that i am. A man never married and no children yet loved me and mine. Yes we had our issues and I was so broken when he chose to experience life without all the issues me and my kids came with. BUT regardless we found our way back to one another, I tried everything in the world to try and live without him, in my mind for his own good because I have never felt that someone I love so much deserved all the hardships that came with me. I have never felt worthy of that type of once in a lifetime love I had for him. BUT after an arrest related to my illness and loss of everything I had owned since we had our Break, suffering for over a year going through so much pain and embarassement and undeserving loss of self esteem, pride, and my one thing I had that made me special, he found the love he once had for me in his heart again :)) I resisted but finally put my pride aside and admitted I needed him, I needed him like the body needs the heart to beat, like I needed the air I breath, like ........well just like the life I had without him needed him in it. Just like from the first moment I met him. I was living, and living for my kids whome i love more than life. For the first time I wasnt typical strong Phonenix Denna, I was vulnerable, forgiving, non revengful Denna and opened my heart to a second chance without resentment and non forgiveness. Trust me when I say it has been very hard to open my heart and bring the walls down. Fear of being damaged again. Fear of losing my souldmate again, to stress, job, or life in general. But i found strength to admit that I was on a journey that the love of my parents, step parents, and kids could travel with me BUT I needed the missing link. Now that I have all the pieces to the complex puzzle I will succeed. My love and my kids and parents all help me find that inner strenght that has always seen me overcome so much BUT not to abuse it and have it over power me. To admit that yes I Dont need certain people in my life but if I choose to to have them because of love so relentless that breathing and smiling is not possible without them........then I not only choose to have them but ......... I DO NEED THEM!! I am so blessed beyond measure to have all these people in my life and to my son Justin......THANKYOU FOR BEING THE MAN YOU HAVE BECOME. THANKYOU FOR BEING SO WONDERFUL! THANKYOU FOR THE BEING MY STEADY CONSTANT WHEN EVERYONE ELSE QUIT. THANKS FOR BELIEVING IN ME!!!! <br />
I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANY THOUGHTS I CAN EVER PUT ON PAPER OR WORDS THAT I CAN EVER SPEAK FROM MY MOUTH!!! I AM SO PROUD OF YOU WHICH YOU HAVE ALWAYS KNOWN AND I AM SO PROUD OF YOUR SIBLINGS. THANK YOU FOR ALL YOU HAVE DONE!! Even times when Mom went through heart ache and pain and I hid it and kept your life as normal as possible But i was truly falling to pieces on the inside........THANKS because I KNOW you always knew I was broken on the inside. I love you BEYOND MEASURE!!!! Denna Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13741167956982332671noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3438594796924078185.post-59575337333999491712013-11-01T12:59:00.000-07:002013-11-01T13:00:53.236-07:00Dear DiagnosisDear Denna,<br>
<br>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Today is the day! The day you have dreaded for years. The day a doctor confirmed your diagnosis that so many other physicians have tried to label you with over the past 10-12 years. I know you have avoided it for so long because your a "go getter" and not a "quitter." I know you hate labels and hate to be ill. You have worked so hard being a single mother at times and maintaining your calling as a hospice nurse and have feared this day. Feared of losing your ability and right to drive or provide care to your patients as they pass from this life. But girl the time has come. Its going to be bittersweet, knowing what is wrong and actually recieving treatment and possibly feeling human without tons of caffiene, nicotine, adipex, or herbal remedies for the energy you cannot remember having. It is just time for you to take care of the one person you never have.......DENNA.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
It's going to be swimming against a current with all the trial and errors of finding the right medications that fit your lifestyle, which is very busy. You will need to listen to your body for the first time and take time......time to nap if needed, time to breathe, time to meditate and allow stress to decrease so your condition isn't worsened. Those bouts of cataplexy are intinsified when you are so stressed with your four kids that you try to be a good mother for, at times you overcompensate and all you do really is not necessary. They love you anyway, unconditionally. Your work as a hospice provider comes with a high stress level and could possibly not be the best career move for you due to the lack of schedule and the on call nights with having to report to work despite long nights on call. You are constantly burning your candle at both ends and hardly know if you're coming or going.......well, that has to change girl!! For the first time in your life you need to establish more routine and work you SELF CARE into this routine. You cannot live healthy any longer being spontaneous and by the seat of your pants. No more seven on seven off on call jobs and working at the hospital on your days off. STOP complicating things for yourself and take it easy for the first time. Again, listen to your body, you know what it is trying to say. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Think about that near fatal wreck. You were exhausted that day and went to work. Never to return home to your children but for them to get a phone call that you were fighting for your life instead. Remember the love of your life and how scared he and those children were.......for 18 days you rested. Long needed rest but think of your loved ones who were so torn up over your possibly not recovering, the months of therapy, the multiple surgeries and the aftermath which you still feel today. Did you ever stop and think that the reason for that wreck maybe your narcolepsy? Well WAKE UP. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Let me show you the silver lining in case for the first time you fail to see it. The doctors in AL will NOT pull your license or your RN license. HOWEVER, limit your driving. STOP driving while exhausted. How many train tracks and redlights and medical charting you can't recall do you have to do to take care of yourself? How many patient visits in the middle of the night do you need have problems recalling? Stop and stop now. Slow down. Allow the docs to treat you and enjoy your life AWAKE for a change. Not dreaming with your eyes wide open, falling down laughing. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
I know you have probably already become somewhat antisocial since certain things have manifested in your daily life. Like the collapsing with laughter, anger, and fading out during intimate moments. I want to take this time to encourage you to love yourself. Love yourself like you love your husband and your children, like you love your parents. Love Denna enough for once to care for her. Embrace your diagnosis and be relieved. Stop hiding it and be open and make people aware. Encourage your family and friends that love you to become educated. Continue to laugh at yourself and make jokes about being half "nervous goat" :) People love that sarcasm and sense of humor you have. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
So with this information it is not medical because you can obtain that from your physician. I am writing you with the REAL life part because I do love you!! This is your third chance to take it easy and love your family as your full time job :) EMBRACE it. There will be days that your daytime sleepiness is in overdrive and it seems you just can NOT keep your eyes open. It is going to be the same "painful sleepiness" that has always made you want to cry, call in sick, or play hookie when your were in school. But your medications will help tremendously. Especially your medications for cataplexy. So your "nervous goat" episodes will be minute. I guess all your friends will have to find someone else to startle or crack up :) I would like to take this time to encourage you to be careful and be your own patient advocate as you are for your patients. Avoid Ambien at all cost. I know you have NEVER in your life been compliant with any medications BUT you HAVE to be compliant now. To have your eyes wide open and see what all you have been missing while in a constant brain fog. Things look so different. Explain to anyone that tries to love you about agitation and frustration and occasional bouts of moodiness until you get all this in line and it starts to REALLY help you. This could prevent a divorce or loss of people important to you. Make them aware and the ones who truly care for you will support you and understand. All those years of sleeping in class and avoiding the lunch line the first time you face planted in the lunchroom are not completely over BUT will be WAY less likely. Keep your sense of humor and don't shelter yourself from the world. Don't be mad or hard, you do not always have to be so strong. It's okay. It's okay to cry, be sleepy, take a nap, and refuse to drive even a short distance. You KNOW when you do not need to be put into such stressful predicaments. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
So put your ear phones in and do your meditation with music. Turn on your James Morrison, Amos Lee, or Ray Lamontague when your feeling you are becoming anxious or overly stressed. Take a nap. Enjoy drug holidays and leave off your medications a day like you choose and enjoy a lazy Sunday. Enjoy a peaceful night sleep occasionally now that you are being treated. The visitors, the lucid nightmares, and terrors will be VERY minimal. All your symptoms will not disappear but I promise they will decrease and your quality of life will greatly improve. Have I ever lied to you? Exactly, Enjoy the clarity and the full length movies, the intimate moments, and the "excuse" to take a nap. Enjoy knowing your not crazy and it wasn't all in your mind and that you never had demons taunting you :) </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Rest easy my friend, my best friend, and remember what you always think and say.......I am going to say it to you now.......God gives his toughest battles to his strongest warriors!!!! Flight of the Phoenix girl!!!</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Much Love and Support, </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Denna D</div>
<br><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIfuqWlQi5kJzmGLGo3-0Dflwu5BSCbPS1k4jUyuGpzHKZhr3h4_UueDn4M0OkabEaXPlQjf_CtGikNVGVen9oJY8NhKNYprle4SkshApvf3hOXkwRkeZOHin2sXhSv-VTGgO-2b1bedIB/s640/blogger-image-984709853.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIfuqWlQi5kJzmGLGo3-0Dflwu5BSCbPS1k4jUyuGpzHKZhr3h4_UueDn4M0OkabEaXPlQjf_CtGikNVGVen9oJY8NhKNYprle4SkshApvf3hOXkwRkeZOHin2sXhSv-VTGgO-2b1bedIB/s640/blogger-image-984709853.jpg"></a></div>Denna Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13741167956982332671noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3438594796924078185.post-3832596783073350962013-10-16T10:38:00.000-07:002013-10-16T10:38:56.556-07:00Here In My Life........Just In TimeHere we go again<br />
Please not tonight<br />
Give me rest for once<br />
Until daylight<br />
<br />
Noone should dread the sun as it sets<br />
And praise the sunrise<br />
After a night with no rest<br />
<br />
That's how it is <br />
Here in my life<br />
Most days I am much too weary<br />
to be a mommy and a wife<br />
<br />
Not to mention the fog <br />
That smothers my thoughts and memories<br />
Making it difficult to distinguish reality from dreaming<br />
<br />
Days of sleepiness<br />
Tired as hell<br />
Seems as though nothing helps<br />
To make me feel well<br />
<br />
Days of doing tasks I cannot recall<br />
Then wondering if i even did them at all<br />
<br />
Reminding loved ones of talks we once had<br />
Only for them to inform me we had not<br />
Makes me so mad<br />
The madness comes from the hurt within <br />
But its not anger at all<br />
But sadness from all the talks and memories <br />
I cannot recall<br />
<br />
The days of wasting life<br />
Sleeping hours away<br />
Fall into nights where morining <br />
Seems like an enternity away<br />
<br />
Tossing and turning <br />
Watching the clock<br />
Anxiously awaiting morning's arrival<br />
And the visits to stop<br />
<br />
Doing this and doing that<br />
To wear myself down<br />
So maybe I can get some sleep<br />
And in my slumber remain safe and sound<br />
<br />
I don't know the feeling of not being embarassed and ashamed<br />
But the feeling I know too well<br />
Is the one of sadness and pain<br />
And dread<br />
Of the strange disease I have in my head<br />
That causes me to sleep any and everywhere<br />
Except in my bed<br />
<br />
The one that causes my body to collapse<br />
And become limp<br />
With anger, excitement, or laughter<br />
That is merely a glimpse....<br />
Of what it's like here in the life<br />
Of a sleepy mommy and wife<br />
<br />
Days and nights filled with forgetfulness<br />
And regret<br />
Of things I failed to accomplished <br />
This weighs heavy on my chest<br />
Almost as heavy as the visitor that taunts me at night<br />
Suffocating me <br />
Ruining my life<br />
Night after night<br />
<br />
Finally I seem to have spent all my energy and nod my head<br />
In a blurry haze I find my way to my bed<br />
Just in time <br />
Once again<br />
For the nightmare to beginDenna Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13741167956982332671noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3438594796924078185.post-92031233837657473232013-10-10T07:33:00.002-07:002013-10-10T07:33:46.237-07:00Putting My Writing and Thoughts to Use This is an old blog from one I started years ago I found it last week but I want to save them to my main blog so bare with me!<br />
<br />
Putting My Writing and Thoughts to Good Use<br />
Well I am constantly reading blogs and actually writing things myself day to day. SO, I decided I would Blog all of my writings etc so that I would have a record of it and also have all my writing in ONE spot. I truly wish I had starting Blogging before my accident so that all the details of the last four years were more like a story rather than little memories and thoughts from multiple synapse firings throughout the day. The ADD frame of mind. <br />
I started this Blog because for years and years I have been told by homeless people, average Jon and Jane Does, the millionaire, the famous singer/songwriter, and the famous sitcom actor/actress, that i am special, unique, mysterious, witty, bitchy, and even very intelligent.....a former state swimmer, head cheerleader, dean's list, homecoming court, class favorite, teen mom, go getter, two time divorcee, wild child, recluse, experienced one of a near death experience, single mom four times over, a dreamer, creative, kranky, hard exterior, etc etc......but yet Denna you are such a .......average southern gal.<br />
I have been through some hell in my day and even raised my share of it. My mother will most definately vouch for that. My dad, well he would vouch for that also and also add .... she may have been hell on wheels sometimes but she's tuff as a pineknot and hangs in there like hair in a biscuit. My mama feels the same but her reply was always....she was of the devil and i knew it from the time i nearly died having her to all the times she nearly died while i was raising her :) haha I was a pain but it came from my strong will and stubborn demeanor. At the same time I never met a stranger and was friendly and loving. Thank God my parents raised me firm but managed not to dampen my spirit. As a neurosurgeon that I worked for for 11 years referred to me, a firecracker, which also blossomed into another nickname, TNT!! Thats fine by me because great things do come in small packages. I like to walk in somewhere and impose only lightly.......then.....BANG i make sure all understand the things I am TRULY capable of.<br />
Well enough for today....just a preview. I was a teen mom, not like the show teen mom, making it on the cover of People Magazine was NOT my experience having a child so young and continuing to raise him alone for 22 years. Nope I never made it to a magazine cover yet I am a role model in one way that I also never ended up on the front of Hard Times Magazine or in the local arrests forum. BUT Teen Mom is only the beginning of my journey. I have been a student, a teacher, a mentor, the mentored, a secretary with a four year old on medicaid, married and divorced two times over, a kickboxing queen, a work a holic, a stay at home mom, both, a free spirit, a nervous wreck, a narcoleptic, life of the party, the party pooper, a single mom of four, domestic violence, June Clever, Roseanne, College graduate, Mrs. Jones, Hospice Nurse, On call that is, worked for state, worked for Avon, almost opened my own business, and a Director of Nursing for a corporate company. Best friend, lover, wife of a coach.....a coach of three and four sports at a time at times. I am the happiest woman in the world with fairy tale stories and sad case country music video about the southern girl that started young and has never been anywhere and has been misjudged and mistreated and at times treated better than i should have been. So ok audience, thats me in a nut shell. That does NOT even break the ice on all the things i have been through, experienced, and seen. I am woman hear me ROAR. No man that i have ever known could have endured what i have been through and picked myself up from and continued on. Watch me as i keep going. My closest friends and family KNOW, please dont get in her way while on a mission, she will pick up and take you on her journey OR if she has a premonition of you and its a bad one,she will step on you on her way to her mission. THEN LOVE YOU. <br />
For more of my so called life that.......according to my soon to be sister in law.......should be a weekly reality sitcom....nuff said.<br />
Posted by 1Tuffmom at 3:37 PM No comments: <br />
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Labels: ADD, ADHD, coach's wife, college, divorce, hang in like hair in a biscuit, highschool pregnant, Lupus, multiple children, multiple divorced, Narcolepsy, near death, nurse, single mom<b></b>Denna Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13741167956982332671noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3438594796924078185.post-81884249408680060622013-10-02T16:51:00.001-07:002013-10-02T16:51:50.176-07:00The Reality of DreamingWe all dream. Some remember some don't. Some wake us up crying, some wake us up smiling, and some wake us up scared. The reality of a dream for me is usually lucid and more realistic than most can imagine. As of lately I have become a member of some pretty awesome groups that have led me not to hide my illness. No, not my MS, but my narcolepsy with cataplexy! The reality of a dream for me comes in naps during the day, drifting off for seconds at inappropriate times, often unnoticed by people around me, or my night slumber. A dream in my world is very vivid and lucid. From the man that visits occasionally with heavy footsteps to the pressure on my chest sucking the air and life from within me haunt me more than not. Lately, my night visitor, the large pasty pale man with the stitched wound on his face wearing loose clothing and heavy boots has left me alone, however the lucid dreams of trying to move to get to my children and save them while my body is paralyzed but my mind is wide awake haunts me. Lately my dreams are taking place in my granny Aycock's old home on Route 3, otherwise known as Woodmont Drive. The first one was about two months ago. Me and Matt were staying the night in the room my brother and I stayed as kids. The antique white bedroom suit was exactly as it was then. A huge bed that I had to jump to get on, an end table with a clock and lamp, a dresser with a mirror that was aged with antique perfume bottles placed neatly on top, and a chest towards the foot of the bed. I can see it now almost as well as I can see it in that dream. It started as a weird scenario that would never happen. Matt and I were separated and I was angry at him because he had given a key to a friend I used to work with and allowed her and all her kids and spouse to stay there. We were arguing because he had NO RIGHT to allow anyone to stay in my grandparents home especially since they were deceased and he and I were separated. I decide we should bed down for the night and halfway into sleep I heard a dog fight outside the window to the right. I opened the window and two dogs were being attacked by two other large dogs. As I went to the window it opened up into a walk through door, I walked out and yelled at the dogs to "git!" One growling walked towards me and transformed ever so smoothly into a male human and said for me to mind my own business and go inside! I turned and ran inside and laid back down. Then I heard a ruckus in the room where the other family lay asleep. Startled and thinking I was dreaming I sat up in bed to a demonic looking figure half animal half man. His neck was crooked and he had a shot gun!! Because his neck appeared broke he was a terrible aim! He shot and shot at me and missed and I explained to Matt he was a bad shot and can't hit the broad side of a barn and to keep moving towards me as he aimed to shoot at him! Matt did so and this demon kept shooting and we were lucky to avoid injury and Matt tried to save me and got shot in the arm! I screamed and told him he shot my love and he would die!!!!! As he laughed an evil hysterical laugh that horrified me the only thing close was an ax. I picked it up and hit him with all my might, you can imagine revenge on someone or something hurting the one you love! I so vividly felt the ax sink in his skull and as he fell I could NOT stop and continued to hit him over and over before checking on Matt!! I woke up breathing hard and looking around the room!! Every sound all night made me wake up!! By the time dawn came I found myself paralyzed once in thinking I heard footsteps!! Only to finally be able to move and realized it was the leak in the shower. WHEW!!! I told some of my family about it! I shared this I suppose cause it was the first lucid dream that I conquered my demon! I was also but at the same time, not so lucky in my next dream.<div>This one was two nights ago. It took place at my granny Aycock's house as well. Her big pretty front yard with the two big trees, one in which our old tree house once resided and I spent many summers. This dream didn't even start pleasant it went straight to a dark headed male that I do not know shooting at me and my family! The man, whom in my dream was an acquaintance and had been no threat to us, opened fire. It quickly fast forwarded to me being gunned down and looking at this man as I lay in the ditch by the mailbox in my grand parents front yard. As he walked away I raised my head and my dad was across the gravel driveway In the other ditch. I told Daddy that whatever he shot us with was NOT killing us to lay still and stop breathing if he approached again. My dad then offered the advice to "lay still baby if he thinks you're dead he will stop!" I told my dad lay down and shush!! I lay there hurting and helpless other than to offer that advice to dad and tell him to pass it down to the others. I laid very still and heard him coming, I was willing to take the brunt because I was his main target! He shot my daddy again and came to me........he shot me again and again!! It felt like razors shaving through my body and burned like fire and I found the strength to lay still. My hand flinched and he said, "Aww your hand moved that's a sign you aren't dead!" And he put his gun pointe blank range on my palm and shot! I managed to stay still!! As he walked away down the road I waited til he was gone far enough and lifted my head and my dad was looking at me........I woke up on the couch in my house. I needed to go to bed with Matt but I was afraid it was another restless night and didn't want to keep him up. Before I could move I fell asleep and I was slumped over and had a sleep paralysis attack and felt as though I could not breath. Knowing I was not around Matt to arouse me for that split second or minute I felt as though I would die. This of course kept me from immediately wanting to sleep. I sat up a few minutes before residing to bed with Matt where the rest of the night was a sequel to my dream picking up at different locations. </div><div>Exhausting!! Just a day in the life of Narcolepsy!! No wonder we are so exhausted all day and have doctor ordered naps daily!!! Not to mention a day filled with wonderful cataplexy triggered by laughter, pleasure, and anger or excitement. All of which I have learned to stow away way beneath the surface due to cataplexy. It's been a rough year which is a whole different post on an entirely different day! </div>Denna Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13741167956982332671noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3438594796924078185.post-71421758690132328872013-03-06T08:53:00.001-08:002013-03-06T08:55:18.734-08:00The Man In the Moon and Mr SandmanMost of my readers know I suffer from Narcolepsy with Cataplexy and suffer from what is called hypnagogic hallucinations and vivid dreams (usually nightmares) For those who doesn't know what this means, well basically, it sucks to me some nights and others its ohhhhh soooooo good to be me and sucks to be you!! 😂<br />
Last night was a dreamless night for me which is very odd! Almost makes me nervous as to WHAT is in store for the night?? Makes me almost unable to enjoy my day due to the fact I know these demons that haunt each and every narcoleptic won't allow this to pass by!!<br />
A dreamless night for me without this pale extremely large man lurking around in my house peeking in my doorway and wearing his heavy boots or the rowdy gang of guys that torture me and my family several times a month .....well it is like anyone else having a decent night sleep in a hammock at a sandals resort per say! <br />
Regardless I woke up later than usual, trying to cherish every moment, and feel pretty decent without my stimulant yet! But I still dread the night. As a little child I was so concerned about returning to school on Monday that I could never enjoy my Sundays. I have same feeling of doom and dread and anxiety as an adult simply awaiting my fate.....night after night!! It is emotionally and physically tiring!! I am tired and my body is tired! <br />
I am part of some groups on the infamous face book :) Z head Giggles, Narcolepsy Friends, and narcolepsy Network. We post serious issues but I can honestly say that by far narcoleptics have the funniest personalities and are most definitely the best people in the world to poke fun of themselves in light of such torture. We have joked around about Narcos being the zombies of the so called upcoming apocalypse, some state we are possessed, some just simply think we are cursed. As if for me? Yes it's a possessive curse that restrains me, yet, all of us seem to have some sort of sixth sense......and have had it most of our lives. Very strange but true if you could live with a narcoleptic for one month or be privileged to ones journal.....you would see an aray of things that intrigue you. For one, how many do dream about forthcoming events, ones that predict things minor and major, and those that miraculously probably have the answers the nation seems to be unable to establish! If ONE scientist took a narco from every walk of life, every occupation you can think of, one of each religion, even non believers......I feel in my heart you could probably put alot of pieces of the puzzles together!! <br />
I'm fortunate to be mentally strong....not everyone is.....I can honestly see how one that suffers from this disease got labeled years ago before doctors or scientists and these people were mistaken for witches, possessed, or evil, would have went off the deep end shooting at objects that don't exist in an attempt to protect!! Or at that moment of hallucinating and being caught between that place of reality and dreamlike.......mistaken loved ones for evil entities or Intruders!!! We are those that without the correct diagnosis the sandman never comes and we never got the concept Man in the Moon because for us he is evil and torturous! Hang in there my odd Narc buddies we are of a dying breed :) <br/><br/><div class="separator"style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6VzIRgLNmVwA3Mg1SbLISvVeRU3aST5fZ4iXkF8-nO0PpPi_RJLkk5Fra6wGcDaHWDBkV3lVW0BekhvzrHSmhRMCweHrR1WWMxrylSCGZF0R7YAQHSk2rNdBXeWg1VjUp3S70kcQVbIRH/s640/blogger-image-1622588170.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6VzIRgLNmVwA3Mg1SbLISvVeRU3aST5fZ4iXkF8-nO0PpPi_RJLkk5Fra6wGcDaHWDBkV3lVW0BekhvzrHSmhRMCweHrR1WWMxrylSCGZF0R7YAQHSk2rNdBXeWg1VjUp3S70kcQVbIRH/s640/blogger-image-1622588170.jpg" /></a></div>Denna Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13741167956982332671noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3438594796924078185.post-87429151997503547702013-02-17T21:43:00.001-08:002013-10-15T15:02:11.824-07:00Another Restless NightDarkness falls<br>
Sleep eventually too<br>
Sandman fails to allow deep slumber<br>
Like he allows for you<br>
<br>
My body is exhausted <br>
And it cannot keep on<br>
It shuts itself down<br>
Unfortunately not for long <br>
<br>
In your eyes I appear to rest<br>
But here, where I am<br>
It's such a mess<br>
<br>
Shhhhh I hear him coming<br>
Circling through my house <br>
Walking room to room<br>
I remain quiet as a mouse<br>
<br>
Then I realize<br>
I'm surely to easily be seen<br>
And i need to run to protect my kids<br>
Must do it sly and keen<br>
<br>
His heavy steps get closer<br>
And he moves closer to my little girl's room<br>
I'm terrified and need to save her<br>
But I am unable to move<br>
<br>
My mind is aware that her life is in danger<br>
But my body is paralyzed and will not move<br>
My heart is raising oh what do I do<br>
<br>
It's not from being afraid, from fear<br>
Cause nothing can keep me from keeping my babies clear<br>
Of harm and danger at any expense<br>
But I am helpless and pissed it doesn't make sense<br>
<br>
His footsteps are heavy<br>
They come closer by the minute<br>
This is a horror film <br>
And I am in it <br>
<br>
Why he is so slow I don't understand<br>
What does he want from me, this man?<br>
He passed by not harming my kids<br>
My body will not cooperate and I can't even open my eyelids<br>
<br>
I'm scared and terrified <br>
But my body will not move<br>
No matter how hard I try<br>
I can do nothing not even cry<br>
<br>
I'm breathing so hard<br>
And the breaths are fewer and farther apart<br>
As I lay here and suffocate<br>
It stops<br>
There goes my heart<br>
<br>
I lay here and die<br>
Cannot help but wonder what's on his mind<br>
Why he visits over and over<br>
Time after time in my sleep prying<br>
But he will be disappointed to see I am already dying <br>
<br>
Why must he enter here<br>
Right now?<br>
As I take, what seems to be, my last breath?<br>
I will not face the wrath tonight<br>
Of his riddles and tests<br>
He always says he wants the heart from my chest<br>
I'm already dying man just let me be<br>
And finally I open my eyes one last time to see<br>
He is coming anyway<br>
Coming for me<br>
<br>
My body is paralyzed head to toe<br>
He is quiet now and where he lurks<br>
I no longer know<br>
All I can do is breath heavy with fear<br>
Then my heart stopped cause I realize he's near<br>
<br>
He stands over me I can feel his presence here to my right<br>
Why does he torture me night after night<br>
I can feel his breath right in my face<br>
So close that his lips I can almost taste<br>
<br>
I hear no movement any at all<br>
But here a slight whisper as though he calls<br>
For another evil lurking kind<br>
Maybe after years of nightly torture this is my time<br>
<br>
I'm no contest at all for a man anyway<br>
But my body failed me again today<br>
If only I could get up and ran for cover and not failed to protect like a good mother <br>
<br>
Again after emotional torture and pain I wake up in my room to darkness and rain<br>
My body is Alive and allowing me to move<br>
So I get out of bed and move around my room<br>
<br>
Looking for signs of the events of the night and the pale man that causes me such fright<br>
No sign of his visit its always the same<br>
His task is successful in driving me insane<br>
<br>
I know he was not here where I am at<br>
Cause lying peaceful and asleep are my children and cat<br>
My dog never barked and is fast asleep<br>
It's just same torture I get from this disease<br>
<br>
It allows no time for sleep or peaceful rest and always awaken before he stabs a knife in my chest<br>
When does it end or what medicine is needed <br>
But they scare me almost as bad as the torture and bleeding <br>
<br>
<br>
<br><br><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj35sg5tzzCPOXJE9Wn0RFNnbP9rLJcrrJwR6y1RCjaAYzOt-myuFwYxDeUUc-Yf7kIakaWmbRJobX4lhKX7xb3hvAa1DmDZMWHFVKc6JiIDMOLjUa6kkBPGWMqoHl9SCbx7xh8uO4Sin5q/s640/blogger-image-2048701440.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj35sg5tzzCPOXJE9Wn0RFNnbP9rLJcrrJwR6y1RCjaAYzOt-myuFwYxDeUUc-Yf7kIakaWmbRJobX4lhKX7xb3hvAa1DmDZMWHFVKc6JiIDMOLjUa6kkBPGWMqoHl9SCbx7xh8uO4Sin5q/s640/blogger-image-2048701440.jpg"></a></div> <br><br><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg71QYdaUKX1TNGcVcWHI3VNrYdkrFV9aRXFNpAUHRBJUma07BxEPh9zHpG9HJbyAtUfh1QAZyaKfIMgeX3KtFRgqNs8zCbbDBXg52gEAFP-LkCnFktMfXgfAEmvhu3RBzZaP0AcHaOUL0F/s640/blogger-image--313756611.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg71QYdaUKX1TNGcVcWHI3VNrYdkrFV9aRXFNpAUHRBJUma07BxEPh9zHpG9HJbyAtUfh1QAZyaKfIMgeX3KtFRgqNs8zCbbDBXg52gEAFP-LkCnFktMfXgfAEmvhu3RBzZaP0AcHaOUL0F/s640/blogger-image--313756611.jpg"></a></div> <br><br><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzMUkSxOyrKiA0XkORijwFk2R9AhiR_ABlOuc3gUOhwj5H3DV3jev-cxprK764vkBOfxDeVcy69f7EH3YqQCRCZuWXUcb4xyRq1qa1VmfHYqcH6kqlI65wnT64GX9UHn4uUgflvwpC47JN/s640/blogger-image--996242508.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzMUkSxOyrKiA0XkORijwFk2R9AhiR_ABlOuc3gUOhwj5H3DV3jev-cxprK764vkBOfxDeVcy69f7EH3YqQCRCZuWXUcb4xyRq1qa1VmfHYqcH6kqlI65wnT64GX9UHn4uUgflvwpC47JN/s640/blogger-image--996242508.jpg"></a></div> <br><br><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh86SqUbe80oKn6wSHWOMapb6idDmMo3Mt1ZO2fxQS4EM8nvZHn8_rhjK3wSxU_o6ptlGjUjMThJeRNjryozsdkfgfyBsn44tprhprDtxSCrhxYttcmmTyY5etfj4jjq0KxzwKo0Qo3CsB3/s640/blogger-image-863855920.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh86SqUbe80oKn6wSHWOMapb6idDmMo3Mt1ZO2fxQS4EM8nvZHn8_rhjK3wSxU_o6ptlGjUjMThJeRNjryozsdkfgfyBsn44tprhprDtxSCrhxYttcmmTyY5etfj4jjq0KxzwKo0Qo3CsB3/s640/blogger-image-863855920.jpg"></a></div>Denna Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13741167956982332671noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3438594796924078185.post-43437334539413703652012-06-26T15:52:00.001-07:002012-06-26T15:52:46.340-07:00Boxing up My Final ThingsI am AGAIN boxing every single memory good and bad into boxes. It's hard! But something I have to do. BUT with reasons only I need to know.......this is the final time other than a better place and time destined for things I had lost faith in. There is hope and I found it! Thank you God for faith and strength to wait! It's been a long wait but worth it :)<div class="separator"style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3SrNGD5N1ok5-fMd44Kg_Rd_35JvhoNU8AW-TI8wyain-46hdwpbRJ-ZbcysQxQ_1v8GWX8_IhuX6DfZXFsCc0TTECjUQLXSFOZQdoJFE3MCZcsAGan880NEscLUK-koLdRYWmlVz1d4G/s640/blogger-image-2085163816.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3SrNGD5N1ok5-fMd44Kg_Rd_35JvhoNU8AW-TI8wyain-46hdwpbRJ-ZbcysQxQ_1v8GWX8_IhuX6DfZXFsCc0TTECjUQLXSFOZQdoJFE3MCZcsAGan880NEscLUK-koLdRYWmlVz1d4G/s640/blogger-image-2085163816.jpg" /></a></div>Denna Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13741167956982332671noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3438594796924078185.post-91947347241739772902012-06-18T13:23:00.000-07:002012-06-18T13:23:39.026-07:00And Then There Was You<div class="mbl notesBlogText clearfix">
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A simple crooked grin and eyes so blue <br />A sweet soothing voice says how are you <br />I know its you on the other end of the line <br />For I've waited for this call for what seems like a lifetime <br />Butterflies stirring all around in my stomach and head <br />The suns coming up and i should go to bed <br />But i cannot bring myself to hang up the phone <br />I will long for your voice while sitting here all alone <br />Upon waking at sunrise I will walk to the phone <br />Before it even rings...don't ask how i know <br />When my knees start getting shaky and my head is all dizzy <br />I know I will hear from you and will answer even if I am busy <br />I am unsure of how to balance my life right now but that doesn't matter <br />I just know i must speak to you and see you and preferably the latter. <br />Your eyes melt my heart <br />your voice my soul <br />my tummy feels sick <br />this feeling I don't know <br />I feel as though a fever is approaching me quick <br />I called my best friends and told them i am sick <br />She said I'm so sorry how do you feel <br />I said i cant eat sleep concentrate and almost feel chilled <br />She said silly girl you have no clue <br />what this sickness is that's been brought onto you? <br />I said i may be a nurse but I have no clue <br />its not a cough, or cold, and most defiantly not the flu. <br />At that moment when she said to me ever so cool <br />you are not sick at all my dear friend your a lovesick fool. <br />How could this be and how do i know <br />when i feel so awkward does it really show <br />I knew I raced to your house in no time flat when I'm free <br />to spend time with you when you wanted me <br />The days and nights that i share with you are cluttering my mind everyday <br />I cannot think or work and i don't act the same way <br />My endless days of being a mommy and nurse <br />are exhausting me daily I feel I am cursed <br />My utilities are gone and my groceries too <br />My oh My the world is so cruel. <br />There is so much Bad in this world <br />And then there is you. <br />One word from your mouth or touch of your hand <br />Eases my mind again and again. <br />I feel so guilty making time for us two <br />I need not to do it but i so want to <br />I have kids and work and bills to pay <br />I don't have time for what i consider "play" <br />My heart is with you but my mind is at work <br />I will see you tonight...what will it hurt <br />I don't take much time for Me <br />And baby I am waiting til tonight for you i must see <br />But I feel so strange and i don't know why <br />I just know I have work to do and must put it aside <br />I love you my sweet and will see you after while <br />But i gotta run I am rushed again at work and records to file <br />I hate days like this when i am so rushed and exhausted and see no end in site <br />I wish i could blink my eyes and it would be tonight <br />Cuz my work day will be over and yours will be too <br />and we can sit and talk and hug and .....baby i love you <br />I'm sorry I was thinking of something besides the road and that hill <br />Now i have lost so much time and even still <br />I lay here and wonder what happened today <br />I heard all the monitors and doctors and i heard one say <br />Here she is well hello Denna Lou <br />I was terrified baby I was <br />But then there was you <br />Never have I ever been so pleased to see your face and your smile <br />your blue eyes and hear your soothing voice so mild <br />At that moment I knew you loved me too <br />For a month i have lied here and dreamt of you <br />Wondering if you would love me still <br />When i wake up even if i will <br />I know you understand life has been so hard for me <br />balancing a struggling and being alone you see <br />but knowing this one thing to be true <br />For all that was easy on the other side <br />on this side was you <br />My kids are the thing that made me strong <br />And then there was you..... <br />A dream of you in white linen clothes in a colorless place <br />standing with your arms out and that smile on your face <br />waving me on as asking me to rush quick without haste <br />Come on baby please we don't have this time to waste <br />Come back to me and i will love you so <br />I promise to never ever let you go <br />Even if you decide to let go of me <br />I will love you forever and you will see <br />What i speak of is from my heart <br />Its me and you forever til death do us part <br />I need you to hear me and know this is true <br />I wasn't even looking and then there was you <br />Its you I love when i open my eyes everyday and close them each night <br />and give me and chance you will see you just might <br />Have a love so strong that it can endure tests of all time <br />But you have to be with me in body as well as in mind <br />Now today and much time spent <br />Do you have a clue what all of this meant <br />Even the parts that were never spoken aloud <br />Matt my love i heard you without a sound <br />All my life any problems and worries and hurt Ive been through <br />Ive searched my whole life <br />Then there was you <br />Faithful and honest and your gentle touch <br />Baby I love you so very much <br />Even when I am mad as hell <br />please know my heart is still so frail <br />I seem so strong but i am so weak indeed <br />For my feelings for you run so deep <br />Like nothing i have ever known <br />I just hate I missed out until i was grown <br />to feel such love i have so true <br />There was pure loss of faith <br />BUT THEN THERE'S YOU </div>
</div>Denna Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13741167956982332671noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3438594796924078185.post-34316339213236178802012-06-18T13:19:00.001-07:002012-06-18T13:19:18.783-07:00Twas the Night Before Christmas 2008<div class="mbl notesBlogText clearfix">
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Twas the Night Before...... <br />Current mood: awake <br />Category: Life <br />Okay I am up at such an hour and thought i would blog.....Here we go <br /><br />I am writing in red because its "the day" i would be in the spirit but if i must say. The life of a mommy never goes as planned and its altered quiet regularly and we are always in demand. I am stretch armstrong....being pulled here and there...but eager to please her cubs...yep i am MAMA BEAR lol <br /><br />Long silly story short...i am delirious and should be in bed but nonetheless this is my night and i hope i am passing the test.....(i do feel i am being tested on these days) <br /><br />Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring not even a mouse. <br /><br />The gifts were all out under the tree Santa had came and been on his way.....now time to bed down with hubby....its gonna be a busy day. <br /><br />Matt and i in our PJs and after a night cap <br /><br />Had just settled down for a long nights nap <br /><br />Then suddenly we hear such a clatter I was going to get up and see what was the matter <br /><br />When what before my wondering eyes would appear <br /><br />A very tiny baby girl standing in my door with a tear <br /><br />I sprang from the bed and oh my lord...she turned , sprung and ran back out the door....yes this place was quiet as a mouse....now i had a four year old puking all over the house. <br /><br />This child is multi talented you see because on her way to puke again she lists all that is under the Christmas tree <br /><br />Dear child of all nights why tonight must you be sick and she explains so sweetly that santa brought that doggie chick...LOL <br /><br />I saw the rolling puppy i ask for too <br /><br />and the panda and the microphone oh what do i do <br /><br />i explained she must have frightened santa away as she darted thru house puking all the way <br /><br />i told my dear child please understand <br /><br />he will not come back and finish bringing all your demands........if you dont lie down and close your eyes child... <br /><br />then up from the bed she runs buck and wild and leans to the toilet and lets it fly <br /><br />again and again just like a grown man <br /><br />puking like i never knew such a small child can <br /><br />It reaked and was bad but lil Gabby was sooo sad <br /><br />I am so sorry mommy i puked on my bed and i have this aching in my head but i am so excited mommy you see that santa has came and brought my rolling puppy <br /><br />I know my sweet child but please here me once more if you do not lie down santa will not come before <br /><br />your eyes are closed and you are fast asleep i know its easier said than done and mommys talk is cheap <br /><br />my poor child says to me one more time but mommy i saw those toys in there and they are mine. I see the rolling puppy i asked santa for, the microphone, and the panda ....but mommy i know there was more <br /><br />i said gabby please lay down your head...never mind there is puke in this bed <br /><br />mommy i told you i frowed up on there now mommy please listen your not being fair. <br /><br />santa forgot something i know for sure so i wanna lay down so he can bring me a cure <br /><br />for this exciting belly thats making me vomit and mommy go to bed i promise to stop it <br /><br />i cannot sleep knowing the little one is ill <br /><br />i have nothing to give her not even a pill <br /><br />As we speak now i am trying and trying <br /><br />to keep her in bed and stop her from prying <br /><br />i told her all i knew to tell her at four <br /><br />you frightened santa off but go to sleep he will come once more....to put the gifts he forgot under the tree and mommy is tired so i am going to bed and thats when my dear Gabby said <br /><br />I love you so much mommy you are the best <br /><br />now go to damn bed so santa can bring me the REST...lol <br /><br />Good night and i am gonna try this once more and i say to my friends and i turn in bed and cut out the lights <br /><br />Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night <br /></div>
</div>Denna Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13741167956982332671noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3438594796924078185.post-28543673113123719242012-06-18T13:17:00.001-07:002012-06-18T13:17:23.013-07:00To See His Face<div class="mbl notesBlogText clearfix">
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There was a man, a very good man<br />
who was swept away with the wind<br />
on one nights dreary end.<br />
the Lord's angels came down and cast their spell<br />
and took this man from his living hell<br />
His misery and pain has forever gone away<br />
but i dream each night to see his face someday.<br />
I want to be in front of him<br />
Staring him face to face<br />
in his home up above, i want him to save my place.<br />
I want to stand right next to that man<br />
Whom i see suffer no more<br />
To feel the warmth of his hand as he leads me to My Lord.<br />
So each day i will live in the world,<br />
Doing my best to be a christian and live my life and let the Lord do the rest.<br />
I want to go to Heaven one day<br />
but at my life's own pace<br />
so I can visit him where he lives and see his lovely face.<br />
To bring this to an end and let you know its true<br />
live your life right and it will be true to you.<br />
For if there is someonewhom you adore<br />
You will be lead to the kingdom and meet them at the door :)<br />
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</div>Denna Dhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13741167956982332671noreply@blogger.com0