Sunday, November 24, 2013

Text Between a Mother and Son

I recieved a text message from my oldest son Justin, now 24 years old.  I recieved it while sitting in my neurosurgeon's office for a seven hour visit to start my treatments for my MS.  He has no clue how much this conversation meant and still means to me.  He and I are very close and this simple text conversation brought the meaning of closeness to an entirely different level.  I know we all love our kids relentlessly but this child and myself could write a book about Teen Mom.  I was never on the cover of People Magazine or on an episode of a TV show that glorifiede teen pregnancy.  That show is not reality. But me and this child were.  Somehow through mulitple marriages and one marriage and two other step fathers me and this child have made reality seem easy.  Although not always his love for me and mine for him has always been perfect.  We have had our ups and downs like most but in the end........he is my BEST friend.  NEVER once was I ashamed to be a mother.  Although I had everything most teenage girls want, I never missed being Homecoming court, cheerleader, or class favorite when he came into my life.  I was an excellent example of what a teen mom should have been, not what was portrayed on TV.  I love this child with all my heart.  He isnt fake and loves simple life, just how I wanted him to be.  I really did do it right even at such a young age.  I am doing this blog because we all know electronics and I am  so fearful of losing this text conversation between us as I sat alone in an exam room with my wonderful father to start a journey that will be traveled for as long as I live.  He has no idea how much it meant.  He is more private than I because I find comfort in using life struggles to see me through and sharing them.  So I want this text conversation saved for as long as I live so I chose to Blog about it and quote it verbatum.  I plan on future blogs to share my "Memoirs of a REAL Teen Mom" so here is the beginning, starting not at the beginning but the present :)) Here is a conversation that brought me to tears and smiling as he sent this to me. 

Love u mom, more than anything in this in this world, you've had the biggest influence on my life and was ther for me more than anyone. I just wanted to let you know I'm so proud for what u done in life, you've made it through stuff that would kill 99% of people and still keep smiling.  You've bounced back and came out of the hardest situations.  I love and I am honored and proud to call u my best friend and mom.

Baby I love you more than I can ever tell u sweetheart!! You changed my life 24 years ago for the better and showed me love I never knew existed :) and that is the absolute most important thing anyone has ever said to me :))) that makes me have a whole new outlook and I am gonna kick this MS' freakin ass!!

YES!! Just be pumped you can do it, I'm not even worried about it because you've done faced death in the face and overcame some of the most difficult things physically and emotionally. And you will run through this like faucet water, you will destroy it! Me and Blake are extremely proud of you and will back you in anyway.  You've already every goal as best mom ever so don't ever feel like u haven't, bc to me and Blakey ur the best thing to ever happen to us.

Well good cause I know I haven't been perfect :)) but I sure thought the love we all have for eachother is perfect enough and what decisions I was making at the time seemed right!!
Despite anything and everything (didnt save this part but i think i said our family is full of love and strong)( I told him how much Matt loves him and Blakey and often wants to tell them he loves them but young men at their age he fears would think it was weird lol)

Awh yeah we got a good lil family, I love everyone in it to pieces. Matt's family to and I love ole Matt he's good people. I like watching sports with him more than I've ever liked watching it before

Well good :) I love u baby doll

Love u to

Tell me funny YouTube videos to watch lol me and dad are laughing at some and that movie trailer for Bad Grandpa haha

After this Justin sent me exactly what I needed and suggested Bill Dance's Funny out takes.  Me and dad laughed until I thought I would have an episode of cataplexy, sitting outside the physician's office :-D

I was so thankful that day for this text and for my daddy being with me and for the sweet text messages from friends and from my step mom and family. 
Thankful to be able to call mother who returned my call later and tell her about my 7 hour doctor visit because she shares the same illness. 

Reason for writing this blog though is to cherish this moment.  My son Justin and I have been one another's steady constant through divorce from a long 11 year relationship with a man who accepted him since he was less than a year old but our marriage ended. A little brother that he adores was a result of this marriage.  A three year relationship with a man that was VERY good to us but I knew it wasnt forever and didnt want to put him through his mom having that experience again.  Then a second marriage that ended in divorce for reasons my ex and I know but I found forgiveness as did he and the result, ex in laws that still mean the world to me and two of the most beautiful souls ever put on this earth by God himself.  Also a third marriage to the kind of man I dreamed about since I was old enough to become the hopeless romantic that i am.  A man never married and no children yet loved me and mine.  Yes we had our issues and I was so broken when he chose to experience life without all the issues me and my kids came with.  BUT regardless we found our way back to one another, I tried everything in the world to try and live without him, in my mind for his own good because I have never felt that someone I love so much deserved all the hardships that came with me.  I have never felt worthy of that type of once in a lifetime love I had for him.  BUT after an arrest related to my illness and loss of everything I had owned since we had our Break, suffering for over a year going through so much pain and embarassement and undeserving loss of self esteem, pride, and my one thing I had that made me special, he found the love he once had for me in his heart again :)) I resisted but finally put my pride aside and admitted I needed him, I needed him like the body needs the heart to beat, like I needed the air I breath, like ........well just like the life I had without him needed him in it.  Just like from the first moment I met him.  I was living, and living for my kids whome i love more than life.  For the first time I wasnt typical strong Phonenix Denna, I was vulnerable, forgiving, non revengful Denna and opened my heart to a second chance without resentment and non forgiveness.  Trust me when I say it has been very hard to open my heart and bring the walls down.  Fear of being damaged again.  Fear of losing my souldmate again, to stress, job, or life in general.  But i found strength to admit that I was on a journey that the love of my parents, step parents, and kids could travel with me BUT I needed the missing link.  Now that I have all the pieces to the complex puzzle I will succeed.  My love and my kids and parents all help me find that inner strenght that has always seen me overcome so much BUT not to abuse it and have it over power me.  To admit that yes I Dont need certain people in my life but if I choose to to have them because of love so relentless that breathing and smiling is not possible without them........then I not only choose to have them but ......... I DO NEED THEM!! I am so blessed beyond measure to have all these people in my life and to my son Justin......THANKYOU FOR BEING THE MAN YOU HAVE BECOME. THANKYOU FOR BEING SO WONDERFUL! THANKYOU FOR THE BEING MY STEADY CONSTANT WHEN EVERYONE ELSE QUIT. THANKS FOR BELIEVING IN ME!!!!
I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANY THOUGHTS I CAN EVER PUT ON PAPER OR WORDS THAT I CAN EVER SPEAK FROM MY MOUTH!!! I AM SO PROUD OF YOU WHICH YOU HAVE ALWAYS KNOWN AND I AM SO PROUD OF YOUR SIBLINGS. THANK YOU FOR ALL YOU HAVE DONE!! Even times when Mom went through heart ache and pain and I hid it and kept your life as normal as possible But i was truly falling to pieces on the inside........THANKS because I KNOW you always knew I was broken on the inside. I love you BEYOND MEASURE!!!!

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