Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Hard Pill to Swallow

     Often in life we deal with things that are "hard to swallow."  Rejection, death of loved ones, broken heart, humiliation, and sometimes, the truth.  Lord knows I've had my days of hard to swallow but seems as though the absolute worst of times can be the best of times. I don't know if this is a mind game or trickery I have mastered to soothe my soul during constant obstacles or if I really do have a knack for being thankful for the good in my life.
     For starters I struggle with the obstacles of MS and Narcolepsy with cataplexy daily. No one or anyone EXCEPT someone with both can fathom the daily hurdles.  The struggle of simply getting a shower which somedays is more tiring than the actually not having a shower, hard pill to swallow. Being so fatigued that I prefer to not speak to or see anyone from the outside world, arms giving out before I can dry my hair, not to mention getting so overheated that I no longer feel like doing anything else before having a nap, very hard pill to swallow.  Not being able to remember or recall things that happened or forgetting important dates yep I get choked on that also. Numbness or pain to the point I'd just soon stay in bed all day to avoid a fall, injury, or embarrassment, yes big pill to swallow.  Fatigue that's more than being tired and even a 24 hour shift as a nurse plus being up for 24 more doesn't touch it. Again hard to swallow when I used to be someone that everyone thought NEVER ran out of energy, worked two sometimes three jobs.  People assuming your lazy or depressed because of something other than trying to make the best of a life drastically changed? Yeah you guessed it.
     One of the two hardest things is trying to explain it to people or trying not to get pissed over the advice they give when they are not even educated to the disease. I find everyday the less I like the general population and the more I like those like me. Those with autoimmune illnesses where their body is constantly trying to attack itself.  No two people are effected alike. Not everyone falls asleep in their soup and with MS not everyone is in a wheelchair. So all the advice, judgement, and misunderstandings are a very hard pill to swallow.
     In closing the hardest of all for me is the day of my accident and the arrests and DUI and mostly the media spotlight and all the cruel comments about me and wishing bad things on my innocent family who had nothing to do with it.  It was so hard to have not one person other than my family and friends and those that knew me to even try to defend my character.  Anyone that knows me knows my pride was my reputation and my God given talent of being such a skilled hospice nurse.  My heart hurts every single day for a man don't even know. I wish him nothing but the best and for whatever would make his life easier.  Not one time did I pray for myself through any of this nor try to excuse anything. I was physically and emotionally exhausted and like other times due to what I know now was cognitive impairment, took the wrong medicine at the wrong time. I was oblivious to what I had done. I was living in a nightmares of my own and continue physically and mentally daily to do so.  Not karma because the good lord knows me, what's in my heart, and that things were totally health related and not intentional. But the people of the world avoid ambien it is truly a hard pill to swallow and should be banned, in my opinion.
     In closing, to those who wish harm, passed judgement with no knowledge of circumstance, to the people who never give others a chance, cannot forgive, cannot ask forgiveness because crow is also hard to swallow, those who gossip, and to the ones who claim to have never known me or aren't truthful about any relationship with me, claim to be Christian yet lie and judge? Be prepared because karma is the hardest pill of all to swallow. So save room for it. Treat people how you want to be treated because you can have your life as you know it jerked out from under you too. My life has changed drastically because of two invisible illnesses and I "look fine" I know this and please never say it to me again for your pills will be hard to swallow with your jaws wired shut ;)

1 comment:

  1. Denna, I symphatize with what has happened to you. People are too quick to brand all people who were charged with DUI as social misfits, without looking at the larger picture. It's an awful feeling to be judged by just a singular act. I suppose you're getting all the support you need from your family and friends, which should help you in every step of the way. Take care!

    Roman Barnes @ Johnson & Johnson Law Firm