Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Innocence of a Child

I went to my daughter's end of the year picnic at the park, despite my not wanting to get out of bed nor see anyone today. Sleepless night filled with repetitive nightmares and also dreams about the job, friends, and patients I miss. Also visions of things that haunt me and fears of things that hasn't occurred and may never. It's a terrible paranoia that is overwhelming and I am thankful it doesn't happen a lot. I'm not sure I could endure that daily and nightly. Every time I manage to put those things to rest a traumatic event whether it is work, personal whirlwinds, health issues, or relationships triggers and it exacerbates to the surface. I have wonderful people in my life, even without them, I have always managed to eventually get my head above the surface and stop feeling as though I am drowning. Today was a day I often answer those who ask as "I've been better and I've been worse.". The other day I wrote about the irony and a few days later wrote about slightest details. Today talking to my 9 year old, she is so grownup sometimes when she's alone, I realized something. It's my job as a parent not to break her spirit on the things she thinks is true that I find myself questioning. I need to educate her and prepare her for failure and disappointment yet let her dream and think that the word impossible doesn't exist. I always have not let that be an option for myself until the most recent weeks. I've overcome much adversity but the avalanche before me is towering over me, tumbling down, and I am pinned beneath it and feel life slowly seeping from my soul. Too weak to try to fight somedays. My child thinks so many things that I lost faith about. Example, men are good, all men care for ladies just as her daddy does her, and love is unconditional and lasts forever. As I wanted to educate her that this is only on television or books and this life we lead is not twilight the movie. There aren't Edwards out there that love and forgive and wait for us, we aren't the Bella's of the real world. But I didn't, I got good information from her. Even though she makes a point to inform me that second chances are "silly" and that love is right the first time around, something I taught her unfortunately. She enlightened me that I am worth everything to someone somewhere that I am to her!!! Wow! So where was this knowledge before? Out of this conversation, windows rolled down, listening to CRC, and idly chit chatting, I gained nine year old knowledge. An innocent, yet hopeful, way of viewing life and love. Something I lost 30 years ago. My daughter is very sure that I have made no mistake solely by myself. You cannot do everything or do nothing and the other is complete opposite. She enlightened me in this talk that I will start out in first place with a prince and stay in my starting position. Hmmmmm good choice of words, if I constantly start beneath first I cannot expect one to ever decide to give me the jump out of the starting gate and win, even if I get the whole shot! She also believes in her mother giving so much that eventually it will be given back one day. No child wants to share their parent, not even with the biological parents, but it is difficult with someone else. But she knows, with heart of innocence, that of a child, that there are people in this world that live someone and all the chaos with them. Thankyou Baylee Elizabeth Reynolds for believing in your mama and seeing me for I am. Even on my worst day. Now to start to regain my innocence and child like view that I had often been shamed for in the past. And remember one of my favorite songs "God Bless The Broken Road." Because I am bruised not broken and may be a foolish woman at times, but each time I believed in, and searched for the same things every girl dreams of! I never looked ahead to see the last chapter and how it would unfold because I believe in happy endings too.

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