Monday, May 21, 2012

On My Mind Today

To present day all our social media asks.....what's on your mind?  Normally we often express a random thought, a good experience, a bad experience, a pet peeve, or just a statement or quote.  Here this is my domain, my blog, therefore I can state what's on my mind.  Today it is a concoction of things related to events in my life at this very moment.  I have major health, financial, and occupational issues pending at this very moment.  My days and nights seem to be consumed with aches, pains, low counts of one thing or another, never ending worry of where my next dollar will come from, how much longer my children and I will have a roof over our heads, where the next meal may come from.  What source?  How can I obtain my prescriptions to sustain health and to assists the specialist in ensuring an accurate diagnosis, and on the flip side, is it necessary to have it filled and treat disorders related to disease process when I will be unable to pursue my care with him due to no insurance? All of these thoughts are raging like a storm brewing every hour, every minute, every second, every day.  I often find that not only am I physically tired some days due to autoimmune response, its exhausting some days when your body fights itself constantly.  I am emotionally tired also, drained. I feel like I cannot process another thought, emotion, or problem.  However, I am not able to rest much physically but the physical rest periods far exude the emotional breaks that I am allowed to take.  I have four children and as you know the mind NEVER stops worrying for each child every second they are not in your sites.  A college aged child that I was unable to help him pay for his summer course, therefore he is not able to attend college over the summer.  A upcoming sophomore that comes and goes with his friends that drive.  Two small girls that I share custody with their father and miss them when they are not at home with me.   A very chaotic lifestyle that I lead, yet I find myself lost when it is not chaotic.  I have learned that one of my greatest gifts, yet flaws, is eliminating negative influences and surrounding myself with those that make me smile and laugh.  It is a double edged sword so to speak.  I have trouble eliminating some that cause me undo stress due to the fact I am soft, sympathetic, and empathetic beneath my tough exterior.  I have a very difficult time turning back on anyone, even an enemy. I find myself being kind to those that I am jealous of or feel threatened by, I do think of being the person I know I am to them as opposed to how I feel like treating them at times.  I am sure that my Scorpio personality, the mysterious way I can make one feel inferior tends to out weigh my good intentions occasionally.  I forget how Powerful my personality is at times.  I have always been proud of who I am but I tend to forget how powerful and assertive my personality is to others on the outside of my "circle."  Different times lately, in fact, that has reared its ugly head around the big pretty smile and the kind words and boldly intimidated the target.  Made them uncomfortable to say the least.  Sad thing is, it was my intention from the start to get rid of the negativity, elimination game, been doing it for years.  I am actually a Master Mind at such.  Those closest to me know it those that don't know me well or only known me for a short time are very unaware of my ability to do so.  I have never flaunted my confidence and strength except to those that deserve it in some way or another.  Example, anyone that hurts my family or friends, a coworker that ruins the day of the one I love by constantly knocking their self esteem.  I often, in my past, have gained a profound pleasure in saying, "I got this" and making a seven foot tall man feel three feet tall by end of a work related dinner with kind words, with an occasional snide remark, and a big smile, and a pleasant tone to my voice.  I often did this in high school when snotty people, even if they were my closest friends, if they made others feel bad.  Its human nature to run in "clicks" I had my own, yet, found it very difficult not to involve anyone I took a liking to into my click.  Often as I went through my high school years I found this annoyed others to some extent.  I am not sure why it is so bothersome to others to venture outside the norm, think outside the box, or to see the good in other people regardless of the house they lived in, the money their parents had, or just over look the fact they weren't raised by the same type of parents we were raised by.  This is not a child's fault.  And honestly, none of the kids at my school had a dime to their name, some of their parents did, so I never could wrap my head around this concept of "them" thinking they were on any different "level."  Last, what's on Denna's mind is the fact we experience such trials and triumphs throughout life, are they repercussions of our own mistakes?  Are they self inflicted?  Sometimes they are, but at the same time, it is occasionally that point of life where we stand at the crossroads.  "Two roads diverged in a yellow wood" Robert Frost, my favorite poet of all time.  He says it best in this poem.  I have often been accused of not looking ahead, not looking beyond the end of my nose.  In reality I have come to learn I stand at this crossroad and contemplate entirely too long.  I do look to the end of the two roads as far as I can see.  All in all, I have learned that sometimes you can look too far and deep into something instead of following your heart along with a little good sense.  I have mostly chosen what just made the most sense in my past.  It seemed like the best and most secure future at that very moment that I stood indecisive to which way to go.  In reality, I never really knew which way to go but felt as though I had to make a choice, to get on with my thinking and contemplation and start the journey.  Advice for the day, its okay to stop and camp in that fork in the road until you are sound in your choice of which path you choose.  Enjoy the moment, even if it isn't guaranteed forever.  You may get hurt, you may not, it's a chance, but can you truly say you thoroughly enjoyed someone or something without living in the moment for ONCE?  Just what is on my mind today :) The right choice may not remain the right choice, the wrong choice sometimes is the right one in the long run. Ironic?

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

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