Monday, April 30, 2012

The Power of Words

Today has started as an, almost normal, day.  I got up early and got my two little girls ready for school.  Not that simple, however.  As usual, the baby gets up and with everything she is asked to do, answers, "yes mommy."  The oldest of the two daughters, who is 9 going on 12, tries to argue every point of every issue every morning in one way or another.  My youngest of my two boys is fairly self sufficient in the mornings for he is fifteen years old.  Normally, he and I, only have the typical fifteen year old behavior in the mornings.  You know, wanting to go first or complaining about the day at hand, or criticising my music selection.  He also notices me being overly tired alot of mornings and pleasures me with tons of fifteen year old advice on how I should get more sleep.  Little beknowance to him, I can go to bed at 7pm or 3am, and suffer the same repercussions daily.  A total war with myself to keep up with my busy life even though I am exhausted and smile like I am the luckiest girl in the world.  Often I tend to exhibit my worst behavior on the days it takes too much energy to fix my hair, put makeup on before 11am, and my patience is very thin with most people.  However, today, no bickering and no adolescent conflict all morning.  I am off work at the present time, which kills me daily, but life was never promised to be a bed of roses.  I am so tired today it seems to take entirely too much effort to even take a breath.  Days like this were extremely difficult to march on with smile in place and nurse the sick and dying.  But the love I have for my calling aided tremendously.  Despite my overwhelming urge to nap I decided to write for a few minutes before starting the day worrying about events to come that I am faced to deal with.  I just wanted to blog today about the power of words.  There are millions upon millions of songs in the world and they are written everyday, every minute, possibly every second.  Somewhere in the world there is a person with a talent like no other.  The talent to put words of experience in a song.  I, on the other hand, just have a perspective on things and enjoy writing and sharing them.  I do love writing poems but most are written on  a whim or even within time frames ranging from 5 minutes to 30 minutes.  Doesn't seem like much thought put into things.  This is a mere result of someone so busy they cannot capture five total minutes to even jot down the thought they so desire to write about.  Therefore, much of my writings come to me like small whirlwinds, much like the constant events of my life over the past 10-15 years.  That my friends, is why some of the forms and rhyme schemes and even the flow of my writings are scattered.  It is me and is how I am often forced to think alot of days.  I have not finished a complete thought, so it seems, for 23 years.  I have often been misunderstood as scatter brained, air headed, spacey, and even dumb.  When in fact, I am actually very intelligent and I am very confident in admitting it.  I wonder sometimes, that if the people that write have any clue how their words touch peoples' lives that they have never and will never meet face to face.  I can honestly say, if I were a songwriter, I think I would have a blog site just as this one to be aware of the way my words touch peoples' lives.  I do not watch very much television.  It started years ago, merely not having the time, or the fact I fall asleep if I am tired.  But that became something that I, personally, just do not enjoy consuming my day with.  Often people talk to me and compliment on my witty, free spirited personality.  I am known to burn my candle at both ends trying to balance family, friends, single mom life, and career.  Not to mention, constant daily trials and tribulations.  My broken habit, choice or not, of watching television leads to the love I have of constantly listening to music.  I love all kinds.  My favorite is the sultry voices of James Morrison, Amos Lee, Ray La Montague, Donavon Frankenrieter, Norah Jones, and John Mayer.  I also enjoy rap, rock, ballads, dance, and country.  I don't usually partake in the listening of the heavy metal genre, but, over the years I have opened my ears to this type of music.  I have found that hard rock and metal bands actually sing of the same things the other genre musicians do.  It just is sang in a different voice.  It is the power of someone else's words that impress me the most.  I had written a few years ago on the subject of  what I would choose to do, if I were talented enough to do either.  Would I sing the songs that touch peoples' lives? Or would I write the lyrics that touch them in some way.  My choice is to write.  I may could have an amazing voice, which would be very nice, but how wonderful would it be to actually write the words that touch some one's heart that thinks no one in the world understands how they feel?  The words that remind the man or woman how much they love the one they chose to have as a life partner.  The words that describe the pain and emptiness of a broken heart or spirit.  Lyrics to explain the pain of lost faith in the world as we know it.  Not to forget, a pick me up song that says, you are good enough, strong enough, and just a fun "tap your foot and sing to the top of your lungs in the car.  The song that you sing while driving and you just cannot help yourself.  The one that makes the people in the car next to you flip their radio station to find the song that has this person carefree and on top of the world.  That is my choice.  Like I mentioned, I live through music.  I enjoy music to the point I often use a verse from a song to describe how I feel.  During my last couple of weeks I listen to many songs over and over.  While the song ends the lyrics ring through my head constantly.  I have many things going on in my, "so called life", over the past few years and lyrics to songs have made me laugh as well as cry. 
Reverting back to more than a few years ago, a song touched me like no other.  "There Goes My Life" by Kenny.  I had a baby boy at a very young age.  That song was that child's ringtone on my phone for a long time.  I actually wrote a song myself about that child and events proceeding his birth.  A song about how I believed what a boy said at the mere age of fifteen.  Years later, Taylor Swift stole a line from my song.  She didn't know it and I often think "hey, I should have got some of my buddies that do actually write to help me put those feelings and those words into a REAL song."  Funny but true.  This song spoke about how such a pretty straight girl, popular, smart, and determined was attracted to such an unruly fella.  His course, unruly hair, his crooked smile, his rebellious attitude, and his uncanning fear of nothing.  His wreck less and self destructive ways even intrigued me for reasons I cannot explain.  I was fifteen.  The song then advances to the utter confusion of being a mere child one day, to having everything young torn out and stole from my very being, to becoming a woman in a short 12 hours later.  Then onto how ironic it was that the very words that lead to conception, "Baby I love you", I would say ten times over to the product of the chance I took, the choice I made, and the very untrue words that young man whispered in my ear.  It then explains how those four words lost such meaning to me at such a young and innocent age.  The irony was that I spoke the words to that baby boy everyday but meant them with every inch of my heart and soul.  The rest of my song jumps through to the day he graduates high school then to marriage........"Baby I love you."  Our song ends on the note of me passing away and this child, whom I never thought noticed my feelings along the way, realizes that his mother had never heard those words from someone who meant them.  Only from her own parents and he whispers to me as I lay dying "Baby I love you" "I love you mama." Another song that touches me is "God Don't Make Mistakes"  and he does not.  My favorite in this song is "everybody says you gotta give it up you cant keep that child it's just too tough at 17, you're just a baby, well she cried and she prayed and she made up her mind said this beautiful life that's growing inside needs a chance to have a hand in God's plan.  Everyone told her they would never get by well he just turned sixteen went straight to the top of his class, captain of the football team."  Of course the chorus to this song is touching in itself.  Also at this point of my life I absolutely adored the words to the song, "Don't Laugh At Me" by Mark Wills.  This song makes me want to cry but also proud because I was usually the person that picked up the type of person that wrote this song.  I do not like to see others pain.  And the line that made me turn up the radio louder is the verse, "a single teenage mother trying to overcome my past, you don't have to be my friend but is it too much to ask, don't laugh at me."  The entire song is heartbreaking.  I often think back on my childhood as well as my adult life and even though along my journey I have picked up friends that most people will not acknowledge, I am so glad I didn't laugh at them, never let my eyes meet their eyes, or turn my back to them when they sat alone at lunch.  It makes me proud to be who I am.  The article in the school paper about teen pregnancy, the discussions I held in parenting class in high school with my baby boy at the age of 3.  I am actually proud of those things. 
Later with the birth of my second child, I remember the song by Blake Shelton, "The Baby."  "My brother said that I was rotten to the core.  I was the youngest child so I got by with more."  He was rotten to the core and he was my baby.  That song does remind me of how my second child will be.  He will find his way and do his own thing and it may not be right next door to me.  But he will always be my baby.  Being the baby does have its perks.  I can see my Blake living his life in another town or maybe even several towns along the way but always being my baby and being very close with me as he ages.  "I got a call in Alabama said come on home to Louisiana, come as fast as you can fly, cause your mama really needs you and says she's gotta see you and she may not make it through the night.  All the way I drove 80 so that she could see her baby.  She looked like she was sleeping and my family had been weeping by the time I got to her side, I knew she had been taken and my heart was breaking, I never got to say goodbye, I softly kissed that lady, and cried just like a baby."  Oh dear, I often try to explain to all of my kids that we raise them, they spread their wings and fly, and live their own lives.  Never forget your mama but I know you all love me and won't live right next door for the rest of my days.  As a hospice nurse, I even share stories with them, almost in an effort to prepare them for that day, not to stress too much if they are a few minutes late and that I couldn't wait.  I know that must be a pain one cannot overcome in addition to losing their loved one, and I choose for my kids to be prepared it can happen and to please know NOW that It is not something to feel guilty about then. 
A few short years later my oldest child adored the movie Space Jam.  We had many fun times listening to the soundtrack.  I always wanted him to "Believe I Can Fly" and have confidence.  Then track 12, to best of my memory, started to play.  Who would have known this was on the Space Jam soundtrack?  Monica, "For You I Will."  This song was a dedication to my husband and my boys.  My three guys.  It still makes me want to cry.  "I will cross the ocean for you, I will go and bring you the moon, I will be your hero your strength anything you need.  I will be the sun in your sky I will light your way for all time."  For you I will.  That song is awesome if some of you have never heard it.  Do yourself a favor and listen to it.  It is though the love of a mother, wife, lover wrote the lyrics with each and every emotion she has ever known everything she has ever felt. Years past and as the marriage I thought I had put so much damn effort into came to an end in front of my very eyes I wrote my husband a letter and placed the cd player there also and asked him to please play track 12.  Remember why we are here and how we got here.  He never opened that letter or any other I had ever written.  I didn't know this until I had moved and he brought them to me, he had just opened them and read them in a days time, from what I understood.  BUT my letter clearly, in my own words, stated the obvious I thought.  Maybe I should have quoted the lyrics of the song? "When you're feeling lost in the night and you feel like your world just ain't right call on me I will be waiting, count on me I will be there.  Anytime the times get too tough anytime your best ain't enough I'll be the one to make it better I will be there to protect you see you through............"  Had I not shown that everyday or maybe did not have the right words.  My own words spoke this long before this song was released but Monica said it better.  "I will be your fortress tall and strong I keep you safe I stand beside you right or wrong."  I did that so I recovered from eleven years spent and tossed like yesterdays news. 
I am jumping forward now.  I am leaving out major events of my life I know but that's another blog another day.  Longing for that peace and comfort and safe haven from the cruel world.  I managed to meet my utter and complete opposite.  I always admired his love of one of my favorite songs.....Faithfully by Journey.  Very ironic, but this is about the impact of lyrics.  This song was not so much the lyrics meaning as much to he and I but I became pregnant with my first daughter very quickly.  While I spent alot of time home alone and his job required traveling I felt as though he grew apart from me long before the relationship ever even started.  But he would sing this song to my tummy "faithfully" every time he was at home.  I always thought there was one verse or two that meant something to him.  I thought this because he would stop singing to his unborn child and dance with me on those verses.  "Restless hearts sleep alone tonight, I send my love along the wire." Although he was not a music man, per say, his career took MUCH of his time on the road working concerts and such. "Lovin a music man ain't always what it's supposed to be, but oh girl you stand by me, I'm forever yours, faithfully." And the part where he actually always seemed to really mean it, "Being apart ain't easy on this love affair, two strangers learn to fall in love again I get the joy of rediscovering you."  Wow.  Well to fast forward a little more I gave birth to my first daughter.  My third child, third C-section, third time I experienced one of the most emotional things I have ever felt.  When they took her from my abdomen I didn't hear her cry.  I was immediately frightened.  They took her straight to the table and as the Dr. continued to work on mommy I could only glance across the operating room and see her gorgeous head of jet black hair.  But I still waited for the cries.......My husband told me to excuse him that he was wanting to go over to his baby that she needed him also.  He leaned down beside where the nurse was working with her and started singing "Faithfully" and she started to cry louder any child I had birthed thus far.  I was totally relieved.  This child brought so much joy to our lives that even though it was not in the best interest of my health, I wanted to have one more child.  None of my kids grew up with a sibling per say.  My oldest was an only child for eight years.  Then the second child was the "Baby" for six.  This precious girl was NOT growing up without a closer in age sibling.  I loved my brother and have lots of funny memories of us growing up together.  My husband sang to this child in utero also.  To this day that little girl can sing every word to the song "Highway Run" as she calls it and stays on key and the melody is perfection.  Both girls get emotional and excited all in one when they hear it.  That's mine and daddy's song.  That marriage ended shortly after the birth of that last baby girl.  Seems like more time past but it didn't.  I used to love that song by Gary Allen, "Tough Little Boys," because it reminded me of this dad that could be so cold to me but yet I still admired the love he had and has with his baby girls.  Even through our trials and the fact we both foreseen where the relationship was headed, he would sing "Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol while doing things around the house or if it came on the radio en route somewhere he would turn the volume up.  My girls still LOVE that song also.  But I remember him always saying this one song in particular was a song about us at one point.  "Collide" by Howie Day.  He would always sing and as I listened I thought, that's some good lyrics, wish I could write songs expressing my feelings.  Even though the song is not exactly how I would written it, especially the end, I appreciated the fact I was a thought at any time when he heard it. "I'm open you're closed.  Where I'll follow you'll go."  "Even the best fall down sometimes, even the wrong words seem to rhyme, out of the doubt that feels my mind I somehow find that you and I collide."  I thought to myself what is he trying to say? I am not sure the collide he gets from the song is how Howie Day meant for it to be interpreted.  He did make a good point when he said this next verse is you, because he always said I had a very strong personality and could make a business think it cannot run without hiring me.  "I'm quiet you know, You make a first impression, I found I'm scared to know that I'm always on your mind."  Well I took pride in the fact I make a first impression yet why are men so afraid to know if they are always on their significant's mind.  "Don't stop here, I lost my place, I'm close behind......" Maybe this meant to him that I had ran off and left him somewhere down the road?  The last part of the song says "you finally find that you and i collide."  I did.  Just not in the same way Howie Day sang it. 
Shortly after that chapter was in the midst of closing, as if I had not had my share of misfortune, I was with a new company doing what I loved to do, Hospice provider.  I had started a new, higher paying job with a new hospice company.  I was very stressed in knowing how to keep up with the outrageous utility payments and the very high daycare cost plus my other two children who were active in many extracurricular things.  How did I do this single mom thing at 16? How did I re cooperate from a boy who said he loved me yet never even changed expressions or flinched when he said, "it isn't mine and it isn't my problem."  How did I rebound so strong at such a young age and yet at this point felt so weak, scared, hurt, and drained.  Maybe it is due to being a single mom of not one, but, four kids? I had a million questions and no answers.  I also had that void, which landed me in the position I was in.  The one to care for me.  Like the matchbox song lyrics danced in my head.  "I don't know if I've ever been good enough, I'm a little bit rusty, I feel like my head is caving in." "I DON'T KNOW IF I'VE EVER BEEN TRULY LOVED BY A HAND THAT'S TOUCHED ME AND I FEEL LIKE SOME THING'S GONNA GIVE AND I'M A LITTLE BIT ANGRY."  Obvious reasons I liked the song, obviously I had never been loved by a hand I allowed to touch me.  The song reminds me of myself so much because immediately past pain I feel like I have "pushed a few around and took them for granted."  I can't understand how things go wrong I am so upfront and bluntly tell a man what I expect or what I want and even hint over and over. "Well don't just stand there, say nice things to me.  I've been cheated I've been wronged, you don't know me well I can't change."  The things I cannot change are far beyond my control.  Some of the things that cause me to be damaged goods is encoded on my DNA and I am sure it takes a man as Sheryl Crow says, "are you strong enough to be my man?"  Some of the things I do and ways I am are due to struggles and obstacles in life.  I say they haven't changed me yet I find they made me a hell of alot stronger.  I often question if this was to my benefit or not.  Shortly after this time and bumping into an old acquaintance out dancing one night, I put two and two together who his brother was.  He struck interest in me but now was not the time to share what little time I had with anyone.  I don't date around much because it is too chaotic and hectic and my everyday life is such.  I cannot handle all the drama.  Some of my girlfriends thought it to be fun and exciting.  I found it to be depressing and nerve wrecking.  Annoying is another good word.  Can a man not take a woman to dinner and a good night kiss and call it a night.  Can men not pick us women up at our door any longer?  So my tremendous desire not to play the field landing me in the arms of another.  Stupid yes but it seemed like a better option at the time than being seen with a different man every weekend or every other weekend for months or years until I found my soul mate.  As time went on my head said watch it little lady and my heart said "i know you are just flattering and I sense it, but after all, I said "say nice things to me."  Checklist was about two shy of the checkoff points.  Hindsight is 20/20 and as Toby Keith says "wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then." Better yet, I can name at least twenty songs I should have listened to then.  But my repeat was on different songs obviously.  And I admit it, the next major event of my life probably, more likely than not, played a huge roll in the decisions to come.  I was working on hot summer day in June and the next month of my life I cannot recall.  I went to work even though I felt as though I had maybe a half of breath of life left in my body.  I was so exhausted I wanted to cry.  I had near fatal car accident that day and the road to recovery was long.  I will never forget this new person in my life had no obligation whatsoever, yet was there when I finally decided to awaken from my comatose state.  I was most impressed that FINALLY I meant enough to someone to see anything through.  I was overwhelmed and intrigued.  So much gratitude was owed to this man for putting me firs.  Ironic that little did I know that I would be first to him for a very short duration.  During the recovery period that my mother cared for me he came to me and said "Oh my God listen to this song." The melody itself was depressing to me but as he replayed thee track it hit on more than one level.  Bucky Covington, "I'll Walk."  As the song started I was already reading into it too far. Everyone misunderstands me, when I am hurt I want to be left alone and walk.  I thought to myself, at least the song touched him and he understands.  As the song played, the events were different, I was wearing black scrubs on that day when the truck never saw me around the bend.  And I spoke not a word for nearly a month.  But when I did awaken I remember telling my significant other, as I cried, I don't understand.  But as the song played, "I never will forget the call and driving to the hospital they told me her legs still wouldn't move, I cried when i walked into her room."  He cried listening to the song and I felt tears coming to my eyes because the song was so touching and more so for him and the tears he cried.  When I woke up in the hospital I had told him "don't worry I will walk but just come hold my hand let's talk later don't worry I'll walk."  The next verse actually brought me to major boo hoo mode.  "I held her hand through everything the weeks and months of therapy and held her hand as I asked her to be my bride." I thought something was strange about a man asking me to marry him at this point in my life.  I remember being so appreciative of the things he did for me during this difficult time in my life.  So gentle in the care he made an effort to provide.  I denied speaking of marriage because it seemed to always change people.  I never understood it but it was the course of my life thus far.  But the next time we spoke of it I tried the approach that I thought was very convincing to a man.  You have a home I have a home and all is well.  If it ain't broke don't fix it.  In my heart I felt true love knows no boundaries.  Two people that love one another should be together at all cost at all times.  I believed it is possible.  Picking someone up when they were down and standing by their side no matter what.  But I was scared of it.  But how could he change? We had been through nearly losing me, unemployment, and more surgeries the following year and possible diagnosis of a disease?  He said one thing, remember Ive been here through everything I won't let you go.  Well enough said.  We got married within the next year and half or so.  Perfection for awhile.  Then slowly but surely my biggest fears came to surface.  Songs rang in my head again and songs that could not have brought a tear to my for anything started to make me cry while I was in the shower, while I lay looking at his back at night.  "Dead Flowers" by Miranda Lambert.  I truly felt like a beautiful flower that was put in place just for the time that had wilted.  "The Bed" by Gretchen Wilson. "on his side of the bed he's sleeping like a baby"......"on her side of the bed those big brown eyes are crying from the things he never says inside she's dying" "if he'd just reach out shed forget about all the times he let her down, but in his mind everything is alright when the lights go out" My damn life had become a song once again.  "now on his side of the bed he turns to say "i love you" but instead he found a note with all the things she never said"  well I always said them. To the point it fell on deaf ears.  I listened to how his work took alot of his time.  I understood this I just wanted ten minutes of the time he was home.  Leanne Wommack "He Oughta Know that By Now."  Perfect song for me to him did she video my life to write this.  "Its not like hes got to read my mind to know what I'm feeling after all this time, Its just hard to hold onto what is never around, he oughta know that by now." He was home more than most men but was not.  That brought me to one of my favorites, Miranda Lambert, "Easy from Now On."  "There he goes gone again, same ol storys got to come to an end, loving him was a one way street, but I'm getting off where the crossroads meet."  "Its gonna be easy to feel the heart of a thirsty woman, and hard to kill the ghost of a no good man"  this song didn't lose its meaning here.  "Raw as a whip clean as a bone so soft to touch when you take me home, when morning comes and its time for me to leave, don't worry bout me i got a wild card up my sleeve."  Along the way, I had weak moments that I could not decide if my heart was broken and I had so much pride or if I was standing my ground. I said a million times, like Blake Shelton says, "Don't make me", "baby I love you don't wanna lose you don't make me let you go, took such a long time for me to find you, don't make me let you go baby I'm begging please and I'm down here on my knees i don't wanna have to set you free.....don't make me."  "WHAT IF WHEN I'M LONG GONE IT DAWNS ON YOU THAT YOU JUST MIGHT WANT ME BACK LET ME MAKE MYSELF CLEAR IF I LEAVE HERE ITS DONE I'M GONE THAT'S carry my love around like its a heavy burden well I'm about to take it back are you sure its worth it."  I am not sure he was thinks it was worth it.  But we are fire and gasoline.  Love is not fire and gasoline by no means and i cannot be convinced of this.  Blake has another song, "she wouldn't be gone"  how easy it is to prevent losing someone.  I had nights I can't lie.  But like every other obstacle I overcame it and probably did things that aren't in my preference or my personality but anyone that knows me knows I am my own worst enemy most of the time.  Every girl wants the same..........well most of us.  "To be the Only girl you love all your life." "To be Somebody's Chelsea" and for a man to think of her when he hears songs like "God Gave Me You" or "Fall" by Clay Walker.  But somewhere in the course of life and many unfortunate events that have blocked the way I wonder if it exists..........I wonder but I know.  I am surrounded by it daily.  No one and No marriage is perfect.  I have way too many flaws to mention, again, another blog another day.  But I have things to offer and one day I will. "All I am All I'll be everything in this world everything I need is in your eyes shining at me, when you smile i can feel my passion unfolding, .................I do cherish you, for the rest of my life you don't have to think twice I will love you still, from the depths of my soul, its beyond my control I've waited so long to say this to you......If your asking if I love you this much....I DO"  So until I find YOU, I will keep being a hopeless romantic.  I will continue to smile when I think of the lucky man that has to deal with a little crazy to have someone who has so much love and compassion to offer that they will never believe it.  Whether it be an old love, a friend, or a total stranger that has all the qualities I desire and absolutely cannot get enough of me either, I will continue to strive not to let what has been done affect the love in my heart that is possible to give to someone deserving.  Sometimes we deny wonderful things, we sit and passively wait, we seek too aggressively, or we think something "could be" and let it completely pass us by.  Regardless, my children are my life, my family is mine and love me all the time.  That is enough.  But it is human nature to desire that one that cares for us, protects us, and loves us.  With that said I know the lyrics to Taylor Swift's song "White Horse" all too well.  Although a man is not perfect, he will have faults and flaws, just as I do, I am not oblivious to the obvious that perfection in imperfection.  "I shoulda known that I'm not a princess this ain't a fairytale I'm not the one you sweep off her feet lead her up the stairwell, this ain't Hollywood this is a small town, I was a dreamer before you let me down."  Well to an extent i guess I still am a dreamer but I don't have unrealistic expectations. I never have.  I just know myself and how my heart is that even with problems and issues that someone that truly loves us.............loves us truly.  Even on our worst days.

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