Monday, May 21, 2012

On My Mind Today

To present day all our social media asks.....what's on your mind?  Normally we often express a random thought, a good experience, a bad experience, a pet peeve, or just a statement or quote.  Here this is my domain, my blog, therefore I can state what's on my mind.  Today it is a concoction of things related to events in my life at this very moment.  I have major health, financial, and occupational issues pending at this very moment.  My days and nights seem to be consumed with aches, pains, low counts of one thing or another, never ending worry of where my next dollar will come from, how much longer my children and I will have a roof over our heads, where the next meal may come from.  What source?  How can I obtain my prescriptions to sustain health and to assists the specialist in ensuring an accurate diagnosis, and on the flip side, is it necessary to have it filled and treat disorders related to disease process when I will be unable to pursue my care with him due to no insurance? All of these thoughts are raging like a storm brewing every hour, every minute, every second, every day.  I often find that not only am I physically tired some days due to autoimmune response, its exhausting some days when your body fights itself constantly.  I am emotionally tired also, drained. I feel like I cannot process another thought, emotion, or problem.  However, I am not able to rest much physically but the physical rest periods far exude the emotional breaks that I am allowed to take.  I have four children and as you know the mind NEVER stops worrying for each child every second they are not in your sites.  A college aged child that I was unable to help him pay for his summer course, therefore he is not able to attend college over the summer.  A upcoming sophomore that comes and goes with his friends that drive.  Two small girls that I share custody with their father and miss them when they are not at home with me.   A very chaotic lifestyle that I lead, yet I find myself lost when it is not chaotic.  I have learned that one of my greatest gifts, yet flaws, is eliminating negative influences and surrounding myself with those that make me smile and laugh.  It is a double edged sword so to speak.  I have trouble eliminating some that cause me undo stress due to the fact I am soft, sympathetic, and empathetic beneath my tough exterior.  I have a very difficult time turning back on anyone, even an enemy. I find myself being kind to those that I am jealous of or feel threatened by, I do think of being the person I know I am to them as opposed to how I feel like treating them at times.  I am sure that my Scorpio personality, the mysterious way I can make one feel inferior tends to out weigh my good intentions occasionally.  I forget how Powerful my personality is at times.  I have always been proud of who I am but I tend to forget how powerful and assertive my personality is to others on the outside of my "circle."  Different times lately, in fact, that has reared its ugly head around the big pretty smile and the kind words and boldly intimidated the target.  Made them uncomfortable to say the least.  Sad thing is, it was my intention from the start to get rid of the negativity, elimination game, been doing it for years.  I am actually a Master Mind at such.  Those closest to me know it those that don't know me well or only known me for a short time are very unaware of my ability to do so.  I have never flaunted my confidence and strength except to those that deserve it in some way or another.  Example, anyone that hurts my family or friends, a coworker that ruins the day of the one I love by constantly knocking their self esteem.  I often, in my past, have gained a profound pleasure in saying, "I got this" and making a seven foot tall man feel three feet tall by end of a work related dinner with kind words, with an occasional snide remark, and a big smile, and a pleasant tone to my voice.  I often did this in high school when snotty people, even if they were my closest friends, if they made others feel bad.  Its human nature to run in "clicks" I had my own, yet, found it very difficult not to involve anyone I took a liking to into my click.  Often as I went through my high school years I found this annoyed others to some extent.  I am not sure why it is so bothersome to others to venture outside the norm, think outside the box, or to see the good in other people regardless of the house they lived in, the money their parents had, or just over look the fact they weren't raised by the same type of parents we were raised by.  This is not a child's fault.  And honestly, none of the kids at my school had a dime to their name, some of their parents did, so I never could wrap my head around this concept of "them" thinking they were on any different "level."  Last, what's on Denna's mind is the fact we experience such trials and triumphs throughout life, are they repercussions of our own mistakes?  Are they self inflicted?  Sometimes they are, but at the same time, it is occasionally that point of life where we stand at the crossroads.  "Two roads diverged in a yellow wood" Robert Frost, my favorite poet of all time.  He says it best in this poem.  I have often been accused of not looking ahead, not looking beyond the end of my nose.  In reality I have come to learn I stand at this crossroad and contemplate entirely too long.  I do look to the end of the two roads as far as I can see.  All in all, I have learned that sometimes you can look too far and deep into something instead of following your heart along with a little good sense.  I have mostly chosen what just made the most sense in my past.  It seemed like the best and most secure future at that very moment that I stood indecisive to which way to go.  In reality, I never really knew which way to go but felt as though I had to make a choice, to get on with my thinking and contemplation and start the journey.  Advice for the day, its okay to stop and camp in that fork in the road until you are sound in your choice of which path you choose.  Enjoy the moment, even if it isn't guaranteed forever.  You may get hurt, you may not, it's a chance, but can you truly say you thoroughly enjoyed someone or something without living in the moment for ONCE?  Just what is on my mind today :) The right choice may not remain the right choice, the wrong choice sometimes is the right one in the long run. Ironic?

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Innocence of a Child

I went to my daughter's end of the year picnic at the park, despite my not wanting to get out of bed nor see anyone today. Sleepless night filled with repetitive nightmares and also dreams about the job, friends, and patients I miss. Also visions of things that haunt me and fears of things that hasn't occurred and may never. It's a terrible paranoia that is overwhelming and I am thankful it doesn't happen a lot. I'm not sure I could endure that daily and nightly. Every time I manage to put those things to rest a traumatic event whether it is work, personal whirlwinds, health issues, or relationships triggers and it exacerbates to the surface. I have wonderful people in my life, even without them, I have always managed to eventually get my head above the surface and stop feeling as though I am drowning. Today was a day I often answer those who ask as "I've been better and I've been worse.". The other day I wrote about the irony and a few days later wrote about slightest details. Today talking to my 9 year old, she is so grownup sometimes when she's alone, I realized something. It's my job as a parent not to break her spirit on the things she thinks is true that I find myself questioning. I need to educate her and prepare her for failure and disappointment yet let her dream and think that the word impossible doesn't exist. I always have not let that be an option for myself until the most recent weeks. I've overcome much adversity but the avalanche before me is towering over me, tumbling down, and I am pinned beneath it and feel life slowly seeping from my soul. Too weak to try to fight somedays. My child thinks so many things that I lost faith about. Example, men are good, all men care for ladies just as her daddy does her, and love is unconditional and lasts forever. As I wanted to educate her that this is only on television or books and this life we lead is not twilight the movie. There aren't Edwards out there that love and forgive and wait for us, we aren't the Bella's of the real world. But I didn't, I got good information from her. Even though she makes a point to inform me that second chances are "silly" and that love is right the first time around, something I taught her unfortunately. She enlightened me that I am worth everything to someone somewhere that I am to her!!! Wow! So where was this knowledge before? Out of this conversation, windows rolled down, listening to CRC, and idly chit chatting, I gained nine year old knowledge. An innocent, yet hopeful, way of viewing life and love. Something I lost 30 years ago. My daughter is very sure that I have made no mistake solely by myself. You cannot do everything or do nothing and the other is complete opposite. She enlightened me in this talk that I will start out in first place with a prince and stay in my starting position. Hmmmmm good choice of words, if I constantly start beneath first I cannot expect one to ever decide to give me the jump out of the starting gate and win, even if I get the whole shot! She also believes in her mother giving so much that eventually it will be given back one day. No child wants to share their parent, not even with the biological parents, but it is difficult with someone else. But she knows, with heart of innocence, that of a child, that there are people in this world that live someone and all the chaos with them. Thankyou Baylee Elizabeth Reynolds for believing in your mama and seeing me for I am. Even on my worst day. Now to start to regain my innocence and child like view that I had often been shamed for in the past. And remember one of my favorite songs "God Bless The Broken Road." Because I am bruised not broken and may be a foolish woman at times, but each time I believed in, and searched for the same things every girl dreams of! I never looked ahead to see the last chapter and how it would unfold because I believe in happy endings too.