Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Boxing up My Final Things

I am AGAIN boxing every single memory good and bad into boxes. It's hard! But something I have to do. BUT with reasons only I need to know.......this is the final time other than a better place and time destined for things I had lost faith in. There is hope and I found it! Thank you God for faith and strength to wait! It's been a long wait but worth it :)

Monday, June 18, 2012

And Then There Was You

A simple crooked grin and eyes so blue
A sweet soothing voice says how are you
I know its you on the other end of the line
For I've waited for this call for what seems like a lifetime
Butterflies stirring all around in my stomach and head
The suns coming up and i should go to bed
But i cannot bring myself to hang up the phone
I will long for your voice while sitting here all alone
Upon waking at sunrise I will walk to the phone
Before it even rings...don't ask how i know
When my knees start getting shaky and my head is all dizzy
I know I will hear from you and will answer even if I am busy
I am unsure of how to balance my life right now but that doesn't matter
I just know i must speak to you and see you and preferably the latter.
Your eyes melt my heart
your voice my soul
my tummy feels sick
this feeling I don't know
I feel as though a fever is approaching me quick
I called my best friends and told them i am sick
She said I'm so sorry how do you feel
I said i cant eat sleep concentrate and almost feel chilled
She said silly girl you have no clue
what this sickness is that's been brought onto you?
I said i may be a nurse but I have no clue
its not a cough, or cold, and most defiantly not the flu.
At that moment when she said to me ever so cool
you are not sick at all my dear friend your a lovesick fool.
How could this be and how do i know
when i feel so awkward does it really show
I knew I raced to your house in no time flat when I'm free
to spend time with you when you wanted me
The days and nights that i share with you are cluttering my mind everyday
I cannot think or work and i don't act the same way
My endless days of being a mommy and nurse
are exhausting me daily I feel I am cursed
My utilities are gone and my groceries too
My oh My the world is so cruel.
There is so much Bad in this world
And then there is you.
One word from your mouth or touch of your hand
Eases my mind again and again.
I feel so guilty making time for us two
I need not to do it but i so want to
I have kids and work and bills to pay
I don't have time for what i consider "play"
My heart is with you but my mind is at work
I will see you tonight...what will it hurt
I don't take much time for Me
And baby I am waiting til tonight for you i must see
But I feel so strange and i don't know why
I just know I have work to do and must put it aside
I love you my sweet and will see you after while
But i gotta run I am rushed again at work and records to file
I hate days like this when i am so rushed and exhausted and see no end in site
I wish i could blink my eyes and it would be tonight
Cuz my work day will be over and yours will be too
and we can sit and talk and hug and .....baby i love you
I'm sorry I was thinking of something besides the road and that hill
Now i have lost so much time and even still
I lay here and wonder what happened today
I heard all the monitors and doctors and i heard one say
Here she is well hello Denna Lou
I was terrified baby I was
But then there was you
Never have I ever been so pleased to see your face and your smile
your blue eyes and hear your soothing voice so mild
At that moment I knew you loved me too
For a month i have lied here and dreamt of you
Wondering if you would love me still
When i wake up even if i will
I know you understand life has been so hard for me
balancing a struggling and being alone you see
but knowing this one thing to be true
For all that was easy on the other side
on this side was you
My kids are the thing that made me strong
And then there was you.....
A dream of you in white linen clothes in a colorless place
standing with your arms out and that smile on your face
waving me on as asking me to rush quick without haste
Come on baby please we don't have this time to waste
Come back to me and i will love you so
I promise to never ever let you go
Even if you decide to let go of me
I will love you forever and you will see
What i speak of is from my heart
Its me and you forever til death do us part
I need you to hear me and know this is true
I wasn't even looking and then there was you
Its you I love when i open my eyes everyday and close them each night
and give me and chance you will see you just might
Have a love so strong that it can endure tests of all time
But you have to be with me in body as well as in mind
Now today and much time spent
Do you have a clue what all of this meant
Even the parts that were never spoken aloud
Matt my love i heard you without a sound
All my life any problems and worries and hurt Ive been through
Ive searched my whole life
Then there was you
Faithful and honest and your gentle touch
Baby I love you so very much
Even when I am mad as hell
please know my heart is still so frail
I seem so strong but i am so weak indeed
For my feelings for you run so deep
Like nothing i have ever known
I just hate I missed out until i was grown
to feel such love i have so true
There was pure loss of faith

Twas the Night Before Christmas 2008

Twas the Night Before......
Current mood: awake
Category: Life
Okay I am up at such an hour and thought i would blog.....Here we go

I am writing in red because its "the day" i would be in the spirit but if i must say. The life of a mommy never goes as planned and its altered quiet regularly and we are always in demand. I am stretch armstrong....being pulled here and there...but eager to please her cubs...yep i am MAMA BEAR lol

Long silly story short...i am delirious and should be in bed but nonetheless this is my night and i hope i am passing the test.....(i do feel i am being tested on these days)

Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring not even a mouse.

The gifts were all out under the tree Santa had came and been on his way.....now time to bed down with hubby....its gonna be a busy day.

Matt and i in our PJs and after a night cap

Had just settled down for a long nights nap

Then suddenly we hear such a clatter I was going to get up and see what was the matter

When what before my wondering eyes would appear

A very tiny baby girl standing in my door with a tear

I sprang from the bed and oh my lord...she turned , sprung and ran back out the door....yes this place was quiet as a mouse....now i had a four year old puking all over the house.

This child is multi talented you see because on her way to puke again she lists all that is under the Christmas tree

Dear child of all nights why tonight must you be sick and she explains so sweetly that santa brought that doggie chick...LOL

I saw the rolling puppy i ask for too

and the panda and the microphone oh what do i do

i explained she must have frightened santa away as she darted thru house puking all the way

i told my dear child please understand

he will not come back and finish bringing all your demands........if you dont lie down and close your eyes child...

then up from the bed she runs buck and wild and leans to the toilet and lets it fly

again and again just like a grown man

puking like i never knew such a small child can

It reaked and was bad but lil Gabby was sooo sad

I am so sorry mommy i puked on my bed and i have this aching in my head but i am so excited mommy you see that santa has came and brought my rolling puppy

I know my sweet child but please here me once more if you do not lie down santa will not come before

your eyes are closed and you are fast asleep i know its easier said than done and mommys talk is cheap

my poor child says to me one more time but mommy i saw those toys in there and they are mine. I see the rolling puppy i asked santa for, the microphone, and the panda ....but mommy i know there was more

i said gabby please lay down your head...never mind there is puke in this bed

mommy i told you i frowed up on there now mommy please listen your not being fair.

santa forgot something i know for sure so i wanna lay down so he can bring me a cure

for this exciting belly thats making me vomit and mommy go to bed i promise to stop it

i cannot sleep knowing the little one is ill

i have nothing to give her not even a pill

As we speak now i am trying and trying

to keep her in bed and stop her from prying

i told her all i knew to tell her at four

you frightened santa off but go to sleep he will come once more....to put the gifts he forgot under the tree and mommy is tired so i am going to bed and thats when my dear Gabby said

I love you so much mommy you are the best

now go to damn bed so santa can bring me the REST...lol

Good night and i am gonna try this once more and i say to my friends and i turn in bed and cut out the lights

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night

To See His Face

There was a man, a very good man
who was swept away with the wind
on one nights dreary end.
the Lord's angels came down and cast their spell
and took this man from his living hell
His misery and pain has forever gone away
but i dream each night to see his face someday.
I want to be in front of him
Staring him face to face
in his home up above, i want him to save my place.
I want to stand right next to that man
Whom i see suffer no more
To feel the warmth of his hand as he leads me to My Lord.
So each day i will live in the world,
Doing my best to be a christian and live my life and let the Lord do the rest.
I want to go to Heaven one day
but at my life's own pace
so  I can visit him where he lives and see his lovely face.
To bring this to an end and let you know its true
 live your life right and it will be true to you.
For if there is someonewhom you adore
You will be lead to the kingdom and meet them at the door  :)

Boxing Up My Life

Today I am struggling very hard with life in general.  About two days ago, if I may be honest, and even one week ago I was using my education and talents as a hospice nurse to figure out how I myself could die with dignity and as comfortable as possible.  It's sad that someone as strong as I am physically and mentally would even fathom such a thought to end their own life.  But after three divorces, losing the last one whom I thought was my soul mate and his love for me would never end, a near fatal car accident, diagnosis of not one but two diseases, and now legal issues and a job that has put me on leave without my being guilty of anything other than being sick, has seriously sucked the last bit of energy out of my physical being.  I have sit down and combed through the years, months, days, hours, minutes, and seconds of my life more times than any one person should ever have to endure.  My heart broke in different ways each time.  After my second marriage ended and having two small babies from this relationship, not to mention two older ones from previous relationships, I had a car wreck that changed my life forever.  The pain daily from the injuries sustained in the wreck are a battle I win daily because I do not take medications for the pain.  I am very strong and I take much pride in being such.   Shortly after this accident, which warranted my children and myself homeless, we found our way again, bought a home.  Then my third husband and I married and moved my kids and myself to a home we would establish our lives together forever in.  The first two years were wonderful, other than typical issues and the stubbornness and selfishness that goes along with being married to a coach.  So many things changed over the course of the years and it was heart wrenching to watch all the events and so forth unfold in front of my very eyes.  I had been here before so many times.  Sure enough I once again had to sit and go through and relive every event good and bad, of my life as I boxed my so called life up once again to move and relocate my children and myself in a new home and once again start a new life.  I do not like change and have always kept my head up and been very strong and made the changes affect my kids lives as little as possible.  We started a new life about eight months ago after a devastating breakup between my third husband and myself.  It was heart wrenching to box my life up once again.  But I must say, on 4/13/12 my life and my childrens' lives changed drastically.  I am an on call nurse, had been on call, and not to mention physically drained, dealing with not only a diagnosis of narcolepsy for several years, but now a diagnosis of demyelinating disease which was misdiagnosed and treated as lupus for over a year.  I feel as though I cannot get a break.  But it was Friday and if I could physically just push through the day it was Friday.  But events changed the course of that day and have since affected my life and those closest to me.  Today, I am once again, combing through the years, months, weeks, days, hours, minutes and seconds of my life.  I feel as though I destroy my childrens' lives even though the things that have drastically affected them are not by choice or wrong doing.  This is a difficult time.  I have always provided for my family better than any man could.  Now i am unable to even feed my children, much less keep our home.  So we are moving and will be moved before July 1st.  My heart is very heavy and I cannot keep my tears dried long enough to once again Box up my life.  This time its even worse.  I am not only boxing up our lives once again, but storing it in a storage building.  My how one's health, energy level, and their desire to achieve a career can leave you bound, helpless, and most of all at this point I feel very hopeless also.  I have always at this point been planning the road to redemption, and for the first time in my life I am not strong enough to start that journey another time.  Like always, people that have helped me through wont always be a part of my life, this hurts also.  Just once in my life I want one person to come into my life but stay.  Always.  I want that and also need it.  I'm tired of physically boxing up my life but not just that, My heart is tired of being placed in the box also.  But everyone always tells me, "Denna you are so much better alone, so much stronger, so much better."  These people do not truly see the real Denna, the girl that is so needy for affection and love that its unbearable. I also know there is no cure but only ways to slow down disease progression.  I want someone to be there for me.  When it causes me issues I truly would like someone to be there, someone who never asks me to box up my life and start over.  Until someone is boxing it up for me for I will no longer be here. 

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Silent Beast

Today I am struggling with the silent beast as I call it!! I am terribly sleepy and disoriented related to narcolepsy. I am having what I assume are new symptoms related to my demyelinating disease (probable MS which was misdiagnosed as lupus for several years) and its kicking my butt today!! I have a lot of pain for past three days mainly in my joints and a new onset of almost unbearable pain in my shoulders and elbows, especially my right, and chest pain and a fatigue impossible to resist :(. I look healthy and smile and laugh and up until recently continued to push myself to physical and mental limits most never encounter!! I fought dizziness earlier today which resulted in once again me falling in the shower. It took me ten minutes to gather my senses and make any sense to Matt on the phone. He is ten minutes away so asked that I manage to side of tub and sit! He said he would come but I had reached that all high level of turbo bitch. Thank goodness he was patient so I could t get my words out and he has been with me five years and knows this spell all too well and allowed me time to gather myself together!! Thanks babe!! However my shower was a little too hit so my sitting in the shower floor was not best atmosphere for this situation. Those of you with similar illnesses understand. Today is frustrating when no one understand the silent "slow death sentence within."

Monday, May 21, 2012

On My Mind Today

To present day all our social media asks.....what's on your mind?  Normally we often express a random thought, a good experience, a bad experience, a pet peeve, or just a statement or quote.  Here this is my domain, my blog, therefore I can state what's on my mind.  Today it is a concoction of things related to events in my life at this very moment.  I have major health, financial, and occupational issues pending at this very moment.  My days and nights seem to be consumed with aches, pains, low counts of one thing or another, never ending worry of where my next dollar will come from, how much longer my children and I will have a roof over our heads, where the next meal may come from.  What source?  How can I obtain my prescriptions to sustain health and to assists the specialist in ensuring an accurate diagnosis, and on the flip side, is it necessary to have it filled and treat disorders related to disease process when I will be unable to pursue my care with him due to no insurance? All of these thoughts are raging like a storm brewing every hour, every minute, every second, every day.  I often find that not only am I physically tired some days due to autoimmune response, its exhausting some days when your body fights itself constantly.  I am emotionally tired also, drained. I feel like I cannot process another thought, emotion, or problem.  However, I am not able to rest much physically but the physical rest periods far exude the emotional breaks that I am allowed to take.  I have four children and as you know the mind NEVER stops worrying for each child every second they are not in your sites.  A college aged child that I was unable to help him pay for his summer course, therefore he is not able to attend college over the summer.  A upcoming sophomore that comes and goes with his friends that drive.  Two small girls that I share custody with their father and miss them when they are not at home with me.   A very chaotic lifestyle that I lead, yet I find myself lost when it is not chaotic.  I have learned that one of my greatest gifts, yet flaws, is eliminating negative influences and surrounding myself with those that make me smile and laugh.  It is a double edged sword so to speak.  I have trouble eliminating some that cause me undo stress due to the fact I am soft, sympathetic, and empathetic beneath my tough exterior.  I have a very difficult time turning back on anyone, even an enemy. I find myself being kind to those that I am jealous of or feel threatened by, I do think of being the person I know I am to them as opposed to how I feel like treating them at times.  I am sure that my Scorpio personality, the mysterious way I can make one feel inferior tends to out weigh my good intentions occasionally.  I forget how Powerful my personality is at times.  I have always been proud of who I am but I tend to forget how powerful and assertive my personality is to others on the outside of my "circle."  Different times lately, in fact, that has reared its ugly head around the big pretty smile and the kind words and boldly intimidated the target.  Made them uncomfortable to say the least.  Sad thing is, it was my intention from the start to get rid of the negativity, elimination game, been doing it for years.  I am actually a Master Mind at such.  Those closest to me know it those that don't know me well or only known me for a short time are very unaware of my ability to do so.  I have never flaunted my confidence and strength except to those that deserve it in some way or another.  Example, anyone that hurts my family or friends, a coworker that ruins the day of the one I love by constantly knocking their self esteem.  I often, in my past, have gained a profound pleasure in saying, "I got this" and making a seven foot tall man feel three feet tall by end of a work related dinner with kind words, with an occasional snide remark, and a big smile, and a pleasant tone to my voice.  I often did this in high school when snotty people, even if they were my closest friends, if they made others feel bad.  Its human nature to run in "clicks" I had my own, yet, found it very difficult not to involve anyone I took a liking to into my click.  Often as I went through my high school years I found this annoyed others to some extent.  I am not sure why it is so bothersome to others to venture outside the norm, think outside the box, or to see the good in other people regardless of the house they lived in, the money their parents had, or just over look the fact they weren't raised by the same type of parents we were raised by.  This is not a child's fault.  And honestly, none of the kids at my school had a dime to their name, some of their parents did, so I never could wrap my head around this concept of "them" thinking they were on any different "level."  Last, what's on Denna's mind is the fact we experience such trials and triumphs throughout life, are they repercussions of our own mistakes?  Are they self inflicted?  Sometimes they are, but at the same time, it is occasionally that point of life where we stand at the crossroads.  "Two roads diverged in a yellow wood" Robert Frost, my favorite poet of all time.  He says it best in this poem.  I have often been accused of not looking ahead, not looking beyond the end of my nose.  In reality I have come to learn I stand at this crossroad and contemplate entirely too long.  I do look to the end of the two roads as far as I can see.  All in all, I have learned that sometimes you can look too far and deep into something instead of following your heart along with a little good sense.  I have mostly chosen what just made the most sense in my past.  It seemed like the best and most secure future at that very moment that I stood indecisive to which way to go.  In reality, I never really knew which way to go but felt as though I had to make a choice, to get on with my thinking and contemplation and start the journey.  Advice for the day, its okay to stop and camp in that fork in the road until you are sound in your choice of which path you choose.  Enjoy the moment, even if it isn't guaranteed forever.  You may get hurt, you may not, it's a chance, but can you truly say you thoroughly enjoyed someone or something without living in the moment for ONCE?  Just what is on my mind today :) The right choice may not remain the right choice, the wrong choice sometimes is the right one in the long run. Ironic?

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Innocence of a Child

I went to my daughter's end of the year picnic at the park, despite my not wanting to get out of bed nor see anyone today. Sleepless night filled with repetitive nightmares and also dreams about the job, friends, and patients I miss. Also visions of things that haunt me and fears of things that hasn't occurred and may never. It's a terrible paranoia that is overwhelming and I am thankful it doesn't happen a lot. I'm not sure I could endure that daily and nightly. Every time I manage to put those things to rest a traumatic event whether it is work, personal whirlwinds, health issues, or relationships triggers and it exacerbates to the surface. I have wonderful people in my life, even without them, I have always managed to eventually get my head above the surface and stop feeling as though I am drowning. Today was a day I often answer those who ask as "I've been better and I've been worse.". The other day I wrote about the irony and a few days later wrote about slightest details. Today talking to my 9 year old, she is so grownup sometimes when she's alone, I realized something. It's my job as a parent not to break her spirit on the things she thinks is true that I find myself questioning. I need to educate her and prepare her for failure and disappointment yet let her dream and think that the word impossible doesn't exist. I always have not let that be an option for myself until the most recent weeks. I've overcome much adversity but the avalanche before me is towering over me, tumbling down, and I am pinned beneath it and feel life slowly seeping from my soul. Too weak to try to fight somedays. My child thinks so many things that I lost faith about. Example, men are good, all men care for ladies just as her daddy does her, and love is unconditional and lasts forever. As I wanted to educate her that this is only on television or books and this life we lead is not twilight the movie. There aren't Edwards out there that love and forgive and wait for us, we aren't the Bella's of the real world. But I didn't, I got good information from her. Even though she makes a point to inform me that second chances are "silly" and that love is right the first time around, something I taught her unfortunately. She enlightened me that I am worth everything to someone somewhere that I am to her!!! Wow! So where was this knowledge before? Out of this conversation, windows rolled down, listening to CRC, and idly chit chatting, I gained nine year old knowledge. An innocent, yet hopeful, way of viewing life and love. Something I lost 30 years ago. My daughter is very sure that I have made no mistake solely by myself. You cannot do everything or do nothing and the other is complete opposite. She enlightened me in this talk that I will start out in first place with a prince and stay in my starting position. Hmmmmm good choice of words, if I constantly start beneath first I cannot expect one to ever decide to give me the jump out of the starting gate and win, even if I get the whole shot! She also believes in her mother giving so much that eventually it will be given back one day. No child wants to share their parent, not even with the biological parents, but it is difficult with someone else. But she knows, with heart of innocence, that of a child, that there are people in this world that live someone and all the chaos with them. Thankyou Baylee Elizabeth Reynolds for believing in your mama and seeing me for I am. Even on my worst day. Now to start to regain my innocence and child like view that I had often been shamed for in the past. And remember one of my favorite songs "God Bless The Broken Road." Because I am bruised not broken and may be a foolish woman at times, but each time I believed in, and searched for the same things every girl dreams of! I never looked ahead to see the last chapter and how it would unfold because I believe in happy endings too.

Monday, April 30, 2012

The Power of Words

Today has started as an, almost normal, day.  I got up early and got my two little girls ready for school.  Not that simple, however.  As usual, the baby gets up and with everything she is asked to do, answers, "yes mommy."  The oldest of the two daughters, who is 9 going on 12, tries to argue every point of every issue every morning in one way or another.  My youngest of my two boys is fairly self sufficient in the mornings for he is fifteen years old.  Normally, he and I, only have the typical fifteen year old behavior in the mornings.  You know, wanting to go first or complaining about the day at hand, or criticising my music selection.  He also notices me being overly tired alot of mornings and pleasures me with tons of fifteen year old advice on how I should get more sleep.  Little beknowance to him, I can go to bed at 7pm or 3am, and suffer the same repercussions daily.  A total war with myself to keep up with my busy life even though I am exhausted and smile like I am the luckiest girl in the world.  Often I tend to exhibit my worst behavior on the days it takes too much energy to fix my hair, put makeup on before 11am, and my patience is very thin with most people.  However, today, no bickering and no adolescent conflict all morning.  I am off work at the present time, which kills me daily, but life was never promised to be a bed of roses.  I am so tired today it seems to take entirely too much effort to even take a breath.  Days like this were extremely difficult to march on with smile in place and nurse the sick and dying.  But the love I have for my calling aided tremendously.  Despite my overwhelming urge to nap I decided to write for a few minutes before starting the day worrying about events to come that I am faced to deal with.  I just wanted to blog today about the power of words.  There are millions upon millions of songs in the world and they are written everyday, every minute, possibly every second.  Somewhere in the world there is a person with a talent like no other.  The talent to put words of experience in a song.  I, on the other hand, just have a perspective on things and enjoy writing and sharing them.  I do love writing poems but most are written on  a whim or even within time frames ranging from 5 minutes to 30 minutes.  Doesn't seem like much thought put into things.  This is a mere result of someone so busy they cannot capture five total minutes to even jot down the thought they so desire to write about.  Therefore, much of my writings come to me like small whirlwinds, much like the constant events of my life over the past 10-15 years.  That my friends, is why some of the forms and rhyme schemes and even the flow of my writings are scattered.  It is me and is how I am often forced to think alot of days.  I have not finished a complete thought, so it seems, for 23 years.  I have often been misunderstood as scatter brained, air headed, spacey, and even dumb.  When in fact, I am actually very intelligent and I am very confident in admitting it.  I wonder sometimes, that if the people that write have any clue how their words touch peoples' lives that they have never and will never meet face to face.  I can honestly say, if I were a songwriter, I think I would have a blog site just as this one to be aware of the way my words touch peoples' lives.  I do not watch very much television.  It started years ago, merely not having the time, or the fact I fall asleep if I am tired.  But that became something that I, personally, just do not enjoy consuming my day with.  Often people talk to me and compliment on my witty, free spirited personality.  I am known to burn my candle at both ends trying to balance family, friends, single mom life, and career.  Not to mention, constant daily trials and tribulations.  My broken habit, choice or not, of watching television leads to the love I have of constantly listening to music.  I love all kinds.  My favorite is the sultry voices of James Morrison, Amos Lee, Ray La Montague, Donavon Frankenrieter, Norah Jones, and John Mayer.  I also enjoy rap, rock, ballads, dance, and country.  I don't usually partake in the listening of the heavy metal genre, but, over the years I have opened my ears to this type of music.  I have found that hard rock and metal bands actually sing of the same things the other genre musicians do.  It just is sang in a different voice.  It is the power of someone else's words that impress me the most.  I had written a few years ago on the subject of  what I would choose to do, if I were talented enough to do either.  Would I sing the songs that touch peoples' lives? Or would I write the lyrics that touch them in some way.  My choice is to write.  I may could have an amazing voice, which would be very nice, but how wonderful would it be to actually write the words that touch some one's heart that thinks no one in the world understands how they feel?  The words that remind the man or woman how much they love the one they chose to have as a life partner.  The words that describe the pain and emptiness of a broken heart or spirit.  Lyrics to explain the pain of lost faith in the world as we know it.  Not to forget, a pick me up song that says, you are good enough, strong enough, and just a fun "tap your foot and sing to the top of your lungs in the car.  The song that you sing while driving and you just cannot help yourself.  The one that makes the people in the car next to you flip their radio station to find the song that has this person carefree and on top of the world.  That is my choice.  Like I mentioned, I live through music.  I enjoy music to the point I often use a verse from a song to describe how I feel.  During my last couple of weeks I listen to many songs over and over.  While the song ends the lyrics ring through my head constantly.  I have many things going on in my, "so called life", over the past few years and lyrics to songs have made me laugh as well as cry. 
Reverting back to more than a few years ago, a song touched me like no other.  "There Goes My Life" by Kenny.  I had a baby boy at a very young age.  That song was that child's ringtone on my phone for a long time.  I actually wrote a song myself about that child and events proceeding his birth.  A song about how I believed what a boy said at the mere age of fifteen.  Years later, Taylor Swift stole a line from my song.  She didn't know it and I often think "hey, I should have got some of my buddies that do actually write to help me put those feelings and those words into a REAL song."  Funny but true.  This song spoke about how such a pretty straight girl, popular, smart, and determined was attracted to such an unruly fella.  His course, unruly hair, his crooked smile, his rebellious attitude, and his uncanning fear of nothing.  His wreck less and self destructive ways even intrigued me for reasons I cannot explain.  I was fifteen.  The song then advances to the utter confusion of being a mere child one day, to having everything young torn out and stole from my very being, to becoming a woman in a short 12 hours later.  Then onto how ironic it was that the very words that lead to conception, "Baby I love you", I would say ten times over to the product of the chance I took, the choice I made, and the very untrue words that young man whispered in my ear.  It then explains how those four words lost such meaning to me at such a young and innocent age.  The irony was that I spoke the words to that baby boy everyday but meant them with every inch of my heart and soul.  The rest of my song jumps through to the day he graduates high school then to marriage........"Baby I love you."  Our song ends on the note of me passing away and this child, whom I never thought noticed my feelings along the way, realizes that his mother had never heard those words from someone who meant them.  Only from her own parents and he whispers to me as I lay dying "Baby I love you" "I love you mama." Another song that touches me is "God Don't Make Mistakes"  and he does not.  My favorite in this song is "everybody says you gotta give it up you cant keep that child it's just too tough at 17, you're just a baby, well she cried and she prayed and she made up her mind said this beautiful life that's growing inside needs a chance to have a hand in God's plan.  Everyone told her they would never get by well he just turned sixteen went straight to the top of his class, captain of the football team."  Of course the chorus to this song is touching in itself.  Also at this point of my life I absolutely adored the words to the song, "Don't Laugh At Me" by Mark Wills.  This song makes me want to cry but also proud because I was usually the person that picked up the type of person that wrote this song.  I do not like to see others pain.  And the line that made me turn up the radio louder is the verse, "a single teenage mother trying to overcome my past, you don't have to be my friend but is it too much to ask, don't laugh at me."  The entire song is heartbreaking.  I often think back on my childhood as well as my adult life and even though along my journey I have picked up friends that most people will not acknowledge, I am so glad I didn't laugh at them, never let my eyes meet their eyes, or turn my back to them when they sat alone at lunch.  It makes me proud to be who I am.  The article in the school paper about teen pregnancy, the discussions I held in parenting class in high school with my baby boy at the age of 3.  I am actually proud of those things. 
Later with the birth of my second child, I remember the song by Blake Shelton, "The Baby."  "My brother said that I was rotten to the core.  I was the youngest child so I got by with more."  He was rotten to the core and he was my baby.  That song does remind me of how my second child will be.  He will find his way and do his own thing and it may not be right next door to me.  But he will always be my baby.  Being the baby does have its perks.  I can see my Blake living his life in another town or maybe even several towns along the way but always being my baby and being very close with me as he ages.  "I got a call in Alabama said come on home to Louisiana, come as fast as you can fly, cause your mama really needs you and says she's gotta see you and she may not make it through the night.  All the way I drove 80 so that she could see her baby.  She looked like she was sleeping and my family had been weeping by the time I got to her side, I knew she had been taken and my heart was breaking, I never got to say goodbye, I softly kissed that lady, and cried just like a baby."  Oh dear, I often try to explain to all of my kids that we raise them, they spread their wings and fly, and live their own lives.  Never forget your mama but I know you all love me and won't live right next door for the rest of my days.  As a hospice nurse, I even share stories with them, almost in an effort to prepare them for that day, not to stress too much if they are a few minutes late and that I couldn't wait.  I know that must be a pain one cannot overcome in addition to losing their loved one, and I choose for my kids to be prepared it can happen and to please know NOW that It is not something to feel guilty about then. 
A few short years later my oldest child adored the movie Space Jam.  We had many fun times listening to the soundtrack.  I always wanted him to "Believe I Can Fly" and have confidence.  Then track 12, to best of my memory, started to play.  Who would have known this was on the Space Jam soundtrack?  Monica, "For You I Will."  This song was a dedication to my husband and my boys.  My three guys.  It still makes me want to cry.  "I will cross the ocean for you, I will go and bring you the moon, I will be your hero your strength anything you need.  I will be the sun in your sky I will light your way for all time."  For you I will.  That song is awesome if some of you have never heard it.  Do yourself a favor and listen to it.  It is though the love of a mother, wife, lover wrote the lyrics with each and every emotion she has ever known everything she has ever felt. Years past and as the marriage I thought I had put so much damn effort into came to an end in front of my very eyes I wrote my husband a letter and placed the cd player there also and asked him to please play track 12.  Remember why we are here and how we got here.  He never opened that letter or any other I had ever written.  I didn't know this until I had moved and he brought them to me, he had just opened them and read them in a days time, from what I understood.  BUT my letter clearly, in my own words, stated the obvious I thought.  Maybe I should have quoted the lyrics of the song? "When you're feeling lost in the night and you feel like your world just ain't right call on me I will be waiting, count on me I will be there.  Anytime the times get too tough anytime your best ain't enough I'll be the one to make it better I will be there to protect you see you through............"  Had I not shown that everyday or maybe did not have the right words.  My own words spoke this long before this song was released but Monica said it better.  "I will be your fortress tall and strong I keep you safe I stand beside you right or wrong."  I did that so I recovered from eleven years spent and tossed like yesterdays news. 
I am jumping forward now.  I am leaving out major events of my life I know but that's another blog another day.  Longing for that peace and comfort and safe haven from the cruel world.  I managed to meet my utter and complete opposite.  I always admired his love of one of my favorite songs.....Faithfully by Journey.  Very ironic, but this is about the impact of lyrics.  This song was not so much the lyrics meaning as much to he and I but I became pregnant with my first daughter very quickly.  While I spent alot of time home alone and his job required traveling I felt as though he grew apart from me long before the relationship ever even started.  But he would sing this song to my tummy "faithfully" every time he was at home.  I always thought there was one verse or two that meant something to him.  I thought this because he would stop singing to his unborn child and dance with me on those verses.  "Restless hearts sleep alone tonight, I send my love along the wire." Although he was not a music man, per say, his career took MUCH of his time on the road working concerts and such. "Lovin a music man ain't always what it's supposed to be, but oh girl you stand by me, I'm forever yours, faithfully." And the part where he actually always seemed to really mean it, "Being apart ain't easy on this love affair, two strangers learn to fall in love again I get the joy of rediscovering you."  Wow.  Well to fast forward a little more I gave birth to my first daughter.  My third child, third C-section, third time I experienced one of the most emotional things I have ever felt.  When they took her from my abdomen I didn't hear her cry.  I was immediately frightened.  They took her straight to the table and as the Dr. continued to work on mommy I could only glance across the operating room and see her gorgeous head of jet black hair.  But I still waited for the cries.......My husband told me to excuse him that he was wanting to go over to his baby that she needed him also.  He leaned down beside where the nurse was working with her and started singing "Faithfully" and she started to cry louder any child I had birthed thus far.  I was totally relieved.  This child brought so much joy to our lives that even though it was not in the best interest of my health, I wanted to have one more child.  None of my kids grew up with a sibling per say.  My oldest was an only child for eight years.  Then the second child was the "Baby" for six.  This precious girl was NOT growing up without a closer in age sibling.  I loved my brother and have lots of funny memories of us growing up together.  My husband sang to this child in utero also.  To this day that little girl can sing every word to the song "Highway Run" as she calls it and stays on key and the melody is perfection.  Both girls get emotional and excited all in one when they hear it.  That's mine and daddy's song.  That marriage ended shortly after the birth of that last baby girl.  Seems like more time past but it didn't.  I used to love that song by Gary Allen, "Tough Little Boys," because it reminded me of this dad that could be so cold to me but yet I still admired the love he had and has with his baby girls.  Even through our trials and the fact we both foreseen where the relationship was headed, he would sing "Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol while doing things around the house or if it came on the radio en route somewhere he would turn the volume up.  My girls still LOVE that song also.  But I remember him always saying this one song in particular was a song about us at one point.  "Collide" by Howie Day.  He would always sing and as I listened I thought, that's some good lyrics, wish I could write songs expressing my feelings.  Even though the song is not exactly how I would written it, especially the end, I appreciated the fact I was a thought at any time when he heard it. "I'm open you're closed.  Where I'll follow you'll go."  "Even the best fall down sometimes, even the wrong words seem to rhyme, out of the doubt that feels my mind I somehow find that you and I collide."  I thought to myself what is he trying to say? I am not sure the collide he gets from the song is how Howie Day meant for it to be interpreted.  He did make a good point when he said this next verse is you, because he always said I had a very strong personality and could make a business think it cannot run without hiring me.  "I'm quiet you know, You make a first impression, I found I'm scared to know that I'm always on your mind."  Well I took pride in the fact I make a first impression yet why are men so afraid to know if they are always on their significant's mind.  "Don't stop here, I lost my place, I'm close behind......" Maybe this meant to him that I had ran off and left him somewhere down the road?  The last part of the song says "you finally find that you and i collide."  I did.  Just not in the same way Howie Day sang it. 
Shortly after that chapter was in the midst of closing, as if I had not had my share of misfortune, I was with a new company doing what I loved to do, Hospice provider.  I had started a new, higher paying job with a new hospice company.  I was very stressed in knowing how to keep up with the outrageous utility payments and the very high daycare cost plus my other two children who were active in many extracurricular things.  How did I do this single mom thing at 16? How did I re cooperate from a boy who said he loved me yet never even changed expressions or flinched when he said, "it isn't mine and it isn't my problem."  How did I rebound so strong at such a young age and yet at this point felt so weak, scared, hurt, and drained.  Maybe it is due to being a single mom of not one, but, four kids? I had a million questions and no answers.  I also had that void, which landed me in the position I was in.  The one to care for me.  Like the matchbox song lyrics danced in my head.  "I don't know if I've ever been good enough, I'm a little bit rusty, I feel like my head is caving in." "I DON'T KNOW IF I'VE EVER BEEN TRULY LOVED BY A HAND THAT'S TOUCHED ME AND I FEEL LIKE SOME THING'S GONNA GIVE AND I'M A LITTLE BIT ANGRY."  Obvious reasons I liked the song, obviously I had never been loved by a hand I allowed to touch me.  The song reminds me of myself so much because immediately past pain I feel like I have "pushed a few around and took them for granted."  I can't understand how things go wrong I am so upfront and bluntly tell a man what I expect or what I want and even hint over and over. "Well don't just stand there, say nice things to me.  I've been cheated I've been wronged, you don't know me well I can't change."  The things I cannot change are far beyond my control.  Some of the things that cause me to be damaged goods is encoded on my DNA and I am sure it takes a man as Sheryl Crow says, "are you strong enough to be my man?"  Some of the things I do and ways I am are due to struggles and obstacles in life.  I say they haven't changed me yet I find they made me a hell of alot stronger.  I often question if this was to my benefit or not.  Shortly after this time and bumping into an old acquaintance out dancing one night, I put two and two together who his brother was.  He struck interest in me but now was not the time to share what little time I had with anyone.  I don't date around much because it is too chaotic and hectic and my everyday life is such.  I cannot handle all the drama.  Some of my girlfriends thought it to be fun and exciting.  I found it to be depressing and nerve wrecking.  Annoying is another good word.  Can a man not take a woman to dinner and a good night kiss and call it a night.  Can men not pick us women up at our door any longer?  So my tremendous desire not to play the field landing me in the arms of another.  Stupid yes but it seemed like a better option at the time than being seen with a different man every weekend or every other weekend for months or years until I found my soul mate.  As time went on my head said watch it little lady and my heart said "i know you are just flattering and I sense it, but after all, I said "say nice things to me."  Checklist was about two shy of the checkoff points.  Hindsight is 20/20 and as Toby Keith says "wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then." Better yet, I can name at least twenty songs I should have listened to then.  But my repeat was on different songs obviously.  And I admit it, the next major event of my life probably, more likely than not, played a huge roll in the decisions to come.  I was working on hot summer day in June and the next month of my life I cannot recall.  I went to work even though I felt as though I had maybe a half of breath of life left in my body.  I was so exhausted I wanted to cry.  I had near fatal car accident that day and the road to recovery was long.  I will never forget this new person in my life had no obligation whatsoever, yet was there when I finally decided to awaken from my comatose state.  I was most impressed that FINALLY I meant enough to someone to see anything through.  I was overwhelmed and intrigued.  So much gratitude was owed to this man for putting me firs.  Ironic that little did I know that I would be first to him for a very short duration.  During the recovery period that my mother cared for me he came to me and said "Oh my God listen to this song." The melody itself was depressing to me but as he replayed thee track it hit on more than one level.  Bucky Covington, "I'll Walk."  As the song started I was already reading into it too far. Everyone misunderstands me, when I am hurt I want to be left alone and walk.  I thought to myself, at least the song touched him and he understands.  As the song played, the events were different, I was wearing black scrubs on that day when the truck never saw me around the bend.  And I spoke not a word for nearly a month.  But when I did awaken I remember telling my significant other, as I cried, I don't understand.  But as the song played, "I never will forget the call and driving to the hospital they told me her legs still wouldn't move, I cried when i walked into her room."  He cried listening to the song and I felt tears coming to my eyes because the song was so touching and more so for him and the tears he cried.  When I woke up in the hospital I had told him "don't worry I will walk but just come hold my hand let's talk later don't worry I'll walk."  The next verse actually brought me to major boo hoo mode.  "I held her hand through everything the weeks and months of therapy and held her hand as I asked her to be my bride." I thought something was strange about a man asking me to marry him at this point in my life.  I remember being so appreciative of the things he did for me during this difficult time in my life.  So gentle in the care he made an effort to provide.  I denied speaking of marriage because it seemed to always change people.  I never understood it but it was the course of my life thus far.  But the next time we spoke of it I tried the approach that I thought was very convincing to a man.  You have a home I have a home and all is well.  If it ain't broke don't fix it.  In my heart I felt true love knows no boundaries.  Two people that love one another should be together at all cost at all times.  I believed it is possible.  Picking someone up when they were down and standing by their side no matter what.  But I was scared of it.  But how could he change? We had been through nearly losing me, unemployment, and more surgeries the following year and possible diagnosis of a disease?  He said one thing, remember Ive been here through everything I won't let you go.  Well enough said.  We got married within the next year and half or so.  Perfection for awhile.  Then slowly but surely my biggest fears came to surface.  Songs rang in my head again and songs that could not have brought a tear to my for anything started to make me cry while I was in the shower, while I lay looking at his back at night.  "Dead Flowers" by Miranda Lambert.  I truly felt like a beautiful flower that was put in place just for the time that had wilted.  "The Bed" by Gretchen Wilson. "on his side of the bed he's sleeping like a baby"......"on her side of the bed those big brown eyes are crying from the things he never says inside she's dying" "if he'd just reach out shed forget about all the times he let her down, but in his mind everything is alright when the lights go out" My damn life had become a song once again.  "now on his side of the bed he turns to say "i love you" but instead he found a note with all the things she never said"  well I always said them. To the point it fell on deaf ears.  I listened to how his work took alot of his time.  I understood this I just wanted ten minutes of the time he was home.  Leanne Wommack "He Oughta Know that By Now."  Perfect song for me to him did she video my life to write this.  "Its not like hes got to read my mind to know what I'm feeling after all this time, Its just hard to hold onto what is never around, he oughta know that by now." He was home more than most men but was not.  That brought me to one of my favorites, Miranda Lambert, "Easy from Now On."  "There he goes gone again, same ol storys got to come to an end, loving him was a one way street, but I'm getting off where the crossroads meet."  "Its gonna be easy to feel the heart of a thirsty woman, and hard to kill the ghost of a no good man"  this song didn't lose its meaning here.  "Raw as a whip clean as a bone so soft to touch when you take me home, when morning comes and its time for me to leave, don't worry bout me i got a wild card up my sleeve."  Along the way, I had weak moments that I could not decide if my heart was broken and I had so much pride or if I was standing my ground. I said a million times, like Blake Shelton says, "Don't make me", "baby I love you don't wanna lose you don't make me let you go, took such a long time for me to find you, don't make me let you go baby I'm begging please and I'm down here on my knees i don't wanna have to set you free.....don't make me."  "WHAT IF WHEN I'M LONG GONE IT DAWNS ON YOU THAT YOU JUST MIGHT WANT ME BACK LET ME MAKE MYSELF CLEAR IF I LEAVE HERE ITS DONE I'M GONE THAT'S THAT.......you carry my love around like its a heavy burden well I'm about to take it back are you sure its worth it."  I am not sure he was thinks it was worth it.  But we are fire and gasoline.  Love is not fire and gasoline by no means and i cannot be convinced of this.  Blake has another song, "she wouldn't be gone"  how easy it is to prevent losing someone.  I had nights I can't lie.  But like every other obstacle I overcame it and probably did things that aren't in my preference or my personality but anyone that knows me knows I am my own worst enemy most of the time.  Every girl wants the same..........well most of us.  "To be the Only girl you love all your life." "To be Somebody's Chelsea" and for a man to think of her when he hears songs like "God Gave Me You" or "Fall" by Clay Walker.  But somewhere in the course of life and many unfortunate events that have blocked the way I wonder if it exists..........I wonder but I know.  I am surrounded by it daily.  No one and No marriage is perfect.  I have way too many flaws to mention, again, another blog another day.  But I have things to offer and one day I will. "All I am All I'll be everything in this world everything I need is in your eyes shining at me, when you smile i can feel my passion unfolding, .................I do cherish you, for the rest of my life you don't have to think twice I will love you still, from the depths of my soul, its beyond my control I've waited so long to say this to you......If your asking if I love you this much....I DO"  So until I find YOU, I will keep being a hopeless romantic.  I will continue to smile when I think of the lucky man that has to deal with a little crazy to have someone who has so much love and compassion to offer that they will never believe it.  Whether it be an old love, a friend, or a total stranger that has all the qualities I desire and absolutely cannot get enough of me either, I will continue to strive not to let what has been done affect the love in my heart that is possible to give to someone deserving.  Sometimes we deny wonderful things, we sit and passively wait, we seek too aggressively, or we think something "could be" and let it completely pass us by.  Regardless, my children are my life, my family is mine and love me all the time.  That is enough.  But it is human nature to desire that one that cares for us, protects us, and loves us.  With that said I know the lyrics to Taylor Swift's song "White Horse" all too well.  Although a man is not perfect, he will have faults and flaws, just as I do, I am not oblivious to the obvious that perfection in imperfection.  "I shoulda known that I'm not a princess this ain't a fairytale I'm not the one you sweep off her feet lead her up the stairwell, this ain't Hollywood this is a small town, I was a dreamer before you let me down."  Well to an extent i guess I still am a dreamer but I don't have unrealistic expectations. I never have.  I just know myself and how my heart is that even with problems and issues that someone that truly loves us.............loves us truly.  Even on our worst days.

Sunday, April 29, 2012

Slightest of Details

I blogged recently on the Irony of things.  Irony is around us everyday.  Its when life stops you, like a brick wall, that you actually notice all the irony around us daily.  Outside of irony, today, I am reminded how the slightest of details make, not so slight, impacts on our lives.  Not all slight details are positive and most that are more negative are just part of life.  It doesn't make them any easier to swallow though right? Well, first things first.
On a negative note, we mothers go through life on a daily basis being mothers, doctors, nurses, maids, employees, lovers, daughters, sisters, etc.  Not to mention the one who is the keeper of the house, protector, debt payer, and the scapegoat.  We put love into each and everything we do for our families.  When a meal is prepared, for most of us, it isn't because we enjoy standing in front of the stove for an hour or more.  It is to care for our young.  To feed them and nourish the body you yourself brought to life.  The greatest love of all, your kids.  You give life to the greatest love you have ever known and spend the rest of your life caring for and worrying about the one you birthed.  From the time a mother goes into labor it is physically painful, emotionally nerve wrecking, and there are tears of joy and tears of pain shed for the hardest job she conquered which was birthing her baby.  It does not stop there, the rest of a mother's life is spent aiming to please and nursing wounds and broken hearts yet to be displeased, disrespected, and have her heart broken time and time again.  Not to worry because it is just part of the circle of life.  This is true.  But I can remember like yesterday coming in from school and work and sitting down for dinner with my family.  It was always a great meal, hot, and delicious.  I ate and enjoyed it and often thanked my mother for the meal.  There were times I never stopped to notice the slightest of detail that she put in with all the love she had for my brother and I.  Whether it was the table being set to perfection, the fact my mother insisted my family all eat together at the table, or the fact that she refilled our glasses before it ever got a chance to be empty.  I actually did notice it just failed to tell my mother I actually did notice how she worked and then still cooked for us.  There were also the days she went beyond our expectations and have a really awesome dessert.  Now that is detail my friends, she didn't have to go the extra mile and make a special treat.  Dinner was sufficient to nourish us.  The after dinner sweet was just an added bonus.  We often fall short of noticing that our moms never sit down through an entire movie, meal, or anything else for that matter.  Dad, on the other hand, was a worker and provided the smallest things that I grew up thinking was just what a man did.  Are these things just encoded on the DNA of every man? Of course they are.  They are men.....my daddy worked long hours as a welder.  Sometimes endured temperatures that were intolerable for me to lay by the pool with my friends.  He came home and mowed the yard, wash cars if needed, and took the car to the store and pumped the gas.  He made two, sometimes, three trips to put gas in my mother's car, mine, and last his own.  I never actually noticed the slight detailing on my car, or how there was never fresh cut grass on the driveway afterwards.  Well I find myself struggling with these "slight" details that go un noticed daily.  I have days that I feel like my arms and legs weigh fifty pounds each, which makes my days and nights feel as though I am fighting a strong current.  Days where my fatigue is over whelming and it is a struggle to fight the most horrible urge to lay my head down and just "rest" momentarily.  I still cook occasionally. I am not June Clever but I do my best working all day and then the nights I am on call for hospice.  Also trying to balance a personal life just to feel human and feel like I have people and events to occasionally look forward to.  That are outside the "norm."  There is a mere "joy" while finding a good nourishing meal despite a struggle to keep food in our house of six with one income.  I prepare the meal and the slight details put into the meal such as the effort to make it knowing your appetite is not going to give in and allow you to enjoy the meal before you.  Also that mother taught me not to make too many starches in the same meal but I have four children and some like mashed potatoes and some like mac and cheese.  So I prepare both.  The children turn their noses up and seem to critic every course of the meal and for each child their critics are about a different portion of the dinner that I didn't feel like making anyway.  Coming from four directions about different subjects I often feel as though I cannot really do anything right for any of them.  A mother is always the last to sit to eat and hardly ever eats a warm meal or drinks sweet tea that isn't watered down.  Because we want everyone to have what they "need" before we partake ourselves.  More times than I care to count, I have sat down to no meat left etc.  WHAT? Really, well at least my children consumed what they wanted and were pleased.  Everyone dismisses from the table and more times than not leave their plates and glasses.  And forget to say the slightest detail, "thank you mom supper was great."  Don't get me wrong, my kids know where their plates go after dinner and often thank me.  That makes mommies feel awesome.  So, from the time my kids were very young and I put notes in their lunchbox, or wrote on the inside lid of their lunch box, Have a great day I love you, mom, to present day, I know they love me and are thankful but forget my slight details.  No need for mothers to get discouraged it happens. Being the one in the family that meets the needs of the household, picks everyone up when they fall, lets them learn from their mistakes, and loves them on their worst days.  Loves them when they embarrass us, hurt us, and disappoint us.  Loves them when they make us so proud it brings us to tears.  I am human and have a strong desire for the people I love the most to thank me, love me, and appreciate me.  However, I once was the one that didn't do it everyday either.  As we age we realize and often make up for lost time thanking our parents for things that they did our entire lives.  We, as parents, also often fall short of noticing slight details.  When our children bring us the 500th drawing within a one hour period, we often accept it with a sigh and smile and say, "why thank you it is beautiful."  But often we place it aside and barely glance.  Take the time to look and talk about it, you notice a spark in your childrens' eyes and you too after studying the art will notice things that are amazing.  Things, somedays, you needed to see.  Sometimes it is a young child's way of paying attention to the "Slightest of Details."

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

crazy love

married her highschool sweetheart just outta high school
she knew that kinda love wouldnt last
but she would worry about that when the time passed
love of something other than the love he had at home
the love for her didnt prevent him from doing her wrong
she knodded and smiled and said i'll be fine but you will miss my crazy love
the way we fuss the way we fight
the way i make love to you even though Im mad and break things when Im sad
you cant find crazy love like that anymore
so hope your happy for what you have in store
cause im gone and i aint coming back
so get used to hearing my name and it ringing in your ears
and wondering whos holding me through the years
who is getting my love thats crazy
but you quit loving me and got lazy
her desire to be wanted and to give her crazy love is stronger than her mind
blocks her vision and makes her blind
same kind of desire keeps landing her ear
and mama's advice falling on dear ears
that man raised his hands and broke her spirit and drive
black and blue she felt as though she could die
told him not to ever touch her agian or he live to regret the pain
and she never had to raise a hand to do the same
she knodded and smiled and said ill be fine but will miss my crazy love
the way we fuss the way we fight
the way i make love to you even when I'm mad and break things when I'm sad
the way i drink too much to mask the pain
the way i love the lightening and the rain
so im gone and i aint coming back to this place
but you can think of how it pains you everytime you see my face
and remember how you will miss my crazy love
the way we fuss the way fight
the way i make crazy love to you when im mad but break things when im sad
i aint saying that im right but i know i aint wrong
and youll think of me everytime you hear my song
cause she wont give you crazy love
and she wont fuss and fight and after that
make crazy love to you even though shes mad and pitch a fit when shes sad
so you can tame her by holding her tight
and continue that crazy lovin through the night
ill be fine cause one day i will get it right and find that guy that really thinks
shes on the edge and when i piss her off it really stinks
but thats my girl and love her like hell
I dont care if shes president or in jail
cause that woman is crazy about me and aint no love like that
when i need a run shes up to bat and aint noone here like that
except up above
she gives me one of kind crazy love

On a bad Note

One of those nights when you look at your reflection
wonder what in the hell you were thinking
and why you forgot to mention
That there is no need to end a good day on a bad note
and no need to keep reading the words that you wrote
whether its in the lyrics of a song or in a good bye note
leave it be and put it to rest
just be your own woman and be the best
whether its with support or be it alone
you are only human flesh and bone
its okay to cry and ok to hurt
you arent immortal
so let it out
scream to the top of your lungs or cry quietly alone
your are only human flesh and bone
Being a strong person doesnt have to be a chore
people understand you bleed to
and hurt to the core
its okay to cry and to let yourself go
late at night no one would know
that you give into a moment of weakness at times
no one would think less
so swallow the pride
dont kill the pain
let it flow
it dangerous when its held inside
noone thinks less because for once you swallow your pride
they dont see your hurt and pain anyway
they cant feel it or take it
tomorrow is another day

She Cries

She stands in the middle of the room with a tear in her eye
Tells him she needs a little attention and a lot of love
He looks at her blankly and rolls his eyes
Turns and walks away with a sigh
And she cries
she cries

She lies in bed with new tears in her eyes
She reaches out to her lover
He pushes her aside
He has to know that she hurts
When she cries
She cries

She begs and pleads for him to put down his phone
Please give me some of your time what little you are home
He tells her she's starting again
sighs and moans
She tells him she misses him and the man he once was
He tells her once more he's done nothing wrong
It's her
He answers his phone

She got a call late that night
A dying man
It was cold and wet
She went to kiss her love but knew what she would get
He never turned to hug her, kiss her, or tell her he loved her
She don't know why
But as she drives
She cries
She cries

She's grown tired of being hurt and pushed aside
But that next hospice patient call that came
She never returned to let him see her cry
She didn't cry

As the tables turned
She needed help now
The nurses and doctors were good
But they didn't know how
To repair her
He entered her room and knelt by her bed and hung his head
Reached to touch her but she never moved, never sighed
But as he walked away
She had tears in her eyes
And she cried
with her last breath on that night

Sad that in reality it wasn't the injuries that caused her to part
But in fact she died of a broken heart

As she was layed to rest on that winter day
Her four kids didn't have much to say
They were laying their mother to rest at last
And blamed the man before them for the hurt in her past
They turned their backs as he reached out to them
They merely sighed
The oldest told him our mama don't cry
She doesn't cry

Even on My Worst Day

You do not know how bad you hurt me
When you lie even though you think its so small
To me it's not at all

You say we are through even though
You just said the words "I love you"
You're mad again, it's all the time
The only heart that hurts or loves is mine

You're dragging my heart around
Throwing my love away
And not even bothered by my tears or pleas to bring it back
to the way it used to be
But you say It's just me

After all the tears and the shoulders so cold
my heart gets angry and I wanna fight
I want you to hurt like I so I find I do things out of spite
Angry words and slurs to cut to the bone
You turn and walk away like always
Leaving me all alone
Just to return so nonchalant
I wait for I'm sorry I know where this is coming from baby
Ive been cold and making you wonder if maybe
I found a new love and lost the love I had for you
Kiss me, hold me, look in my eyes
Wipe my tears and say
You need me, you love me, and never want to go trough one day
Without my love
Even on my worst day

Just Before the Buttercups Bloom

Dear Mommy and Daddy,
I was so small I did not stay with you no time at all
But God gave your loved ones a hidden talent, to allow me to help you understand what you haven't.
I am sending you comfort from my aunt's hand
He gave her a "gift" so I can explain God's plan.
For I want Mommy to know that I am safe and in Heaven, even though, I am not running and playing with Michaela and Aidan.
I was created from love from the two of you
It was a short time I entered your lives from mommy's womb
And the Lord called me home.....where the buttercups bloom.
I met grandad and others, granny came too
Just before the buttercups bloomed.
I know your hearts are heavy
Mommy and Daddy's has a void.
But when you were sent a blessing,
I asked God to make it a boy.
Because you have a girl that's growing so fast
I wanted daddy to have his boy at last.
I know you imagine life with me there, with little pigtails in my hair.
You think often about how it would be....
Even though I am not there,
You still love me.
It's hard I know and I was so small
Just please know that when your Lord calls
Me and our Savior and all those you miss
Just want you both to know this
Although there are many angels here, there will be room
For you to walk with me where the buttercups bloom.
Each time of year when the sun starts smiling on your face,
Think of me in this place
As the sun peaks and the frost and cold become less
You smile despite the heaviness in your chest
Just stroll through the woods or valley and think to yourself
"Thankyou Sweet Maddie"
For staying long enough to hold you, smell you, and kiss your sweet face
Before you journeyed to that wonderful place.
I know you are sad and miss me so
But right now before spring as the sun starts to glow
There's a reminder of me wherever you go.
They are bright, fragrant, and beautiful as I
And when you catch a glimpse, Mommy and Daddy dont cry
Just remember I am not gone, I am with you in your heart every day of the year
And each and every day, around noon
Look to where the buttercups bloom
I know you picture me picking flowers for you
And i will when YOU see where the Buttercups bloom.
But until then plant them so you can see
Everyday that time of the year
A reminder of me.
Mommy and Daddy it's beautiful, you cannot imagine the view
Where the most Beautiful Buttercups bloom.
No tears, no hate, no gloom
As I stroll along the streets of gold
Where the buttercups bloom.
It makes you sad yet it comforts your soul...
and you smile
Because you know I will see you soon
                                              Your Child


  Most of you know of my desire to write. I write for numerous reasons. To put my thoughts to rest, to express thoughts, to clear my head, and just my enjoyment of creative writing in general.  I named this Blog Spot, Not Your Average Girl Next Door for numerous reasons as well.  Because most of are nothing more to most than a number, a memory, a past, a future, or merely someone they used to know.  So the irony there is we are all just "the girl next door" yet NO ONE is simply just that......the girl next door.  Simply looking into a person's life we all appear to be so, but with a little trust, love, and understanding and also time......time to allow one to feel so trusting in you, normally one will open up and their life be more understandable.  Not everyone is like me or has my personality or my characteristic traits and allows alot of their life to be an open book, a blog spot, etc.  But ironically we share so much of the same fears, hurt, excitement, sadness, and dreams, and not to mention, obstacles we have conquered or allowed to anchor us. With that said, I have time on my hands at the present to what I love which is write.  In the future there will be stories, memoirs, and poems I plan to share. Because IRONICALLY, I am an open book but I have kept alot of writings so private and to myself.  Most of them based on true life experiences which may help another cope with their own hurdles in life.  Some are short stories or poems simply written on a dream, a hope, a chance I may have never gotten.  So while I have so much time to spare and so many thoughts running through my head I plan, once again, to pursue my stories and thoughts. My grammar is not perfect, my thoughts are not always chronological, my spelling is not one that is impeccable, but my thoughts, hopes, fears, and experiences are MINE.  There is no rhyme or reason and no method to life therefore it is my style of presentation......it is parallel to my life thus far. Today my mind is on the Irony of everything from circumstance, to love, to failure, career, lives I touch and those that touch mine. Whether it has been positive or negative.  Its MINE, besides my children, which I share with their father, these thoughts and experiences are mine. 
     From a very young age I have raised children, primarily alone, yet that has been in spurts. However, anyone male or female that have or do raise children alone know of the burden, fears, and sometimes the pain.  There have been many instances where I could not provide or did not know how to stop one of my children's pain, suffering, or heal their wounds.  But that unconditional love of a child always ironically made them think mommy always knew what to do or say.  My parenting methods may not be how someone else would do things nor always be the BEST way of doing or saying things.  With that said, I have four awesome kids.  The oldest one raised by a mother is by far one of the toughest boys I know.  Who says moms cannot raise tough boys?  He's my son and my best friend.  My next to the oldest, which is eight years younger than the first, is a challange occasionally but such an intelligent, witty, smart, and good looking kid.  He has much of his mother in him which is the part that is challanging :) My daughter is six years younger than the second child and is absolutely brilliant and a wonderful athelete.  She doesn't always participate in sports other than football but is an awesome little basketball player if I say so myself.  She is tough as nails when she has to be but super dependent on someone's attention and affection.  Again, alot like her mother.  My youngest, eighteen months younger than my sweet third child, is a truly angelic child.  Of course me or noone on earth knows her purpose here but it is a magnificant one I do know to be certain.  She has such a talent for recognizing one person in a crowd of millions that appears to "need a hug" and can bring a grown man to tears due to her ability to recognize such pain and attempt to comfort one.  She can sing but is shy to do so and very respectful especially of her parents.  Both daughters are extremely intelligent, and not just becuase they are mine, they are both very brilliant.  Again JUST like their mother :) I must give credit to those who deserve it......but Ironically this is my blog so I am very much taking all the credit for these kids being awesome.  Each in their own way. 
     Seems like just yesterday I was faced with the fact that my entire life would change, only giving my parents two short months to prepare for their lives to change as well.  A mere child myself faced with being a grown up long before I was prepared, it was a challange and I concured it.  I found my goal in life, to be a mother and experience unconditional love and give it.  God had truly blessed me.  The C-section was very worth all the emotional and physical discomfort for I had before me.  That child changed my life for sure and the events that I had planned for my future.  Even though I did not get to attend a four year university then grad school, be the director of an Occupational Therapy department in a huge hospital in a big city.  I had married my highschool sweetheart had my gorgeous child and worked fourty plus hours a week.  Life was pretty good.  I seemed to always be searching for something, always.  For some reason my best has never been good enough. The irony here?  It was good enough for everyone but myself.  We all have room for improvement.  I felt a strong urge to become a mother once again.  This child was planned out carefully and agreed upon by both parties.  This time was surely to show my spouse WHY I loved so deep when I loved.  Divorce was NOT how I wrote that story to end.  Ironically it did.  Thank goodness as self defensive as I can be and strong and stubborn, I found ways all these years to still be friends and raise that wonderful little boy together.  I would die before I would have let him suffer a circumstance that was in no way his choice.  I was very saddened but just like always, I held my head high and put a big smile on my face and carried on.  No worries other than making a living and ensuring a roof was over their heads.  During this time I had someone show me what true love may be.  It could be.   I am unsure why I am so willing to accept that but at the same time if I could see myself I am almost certain the man before saw a look that was contemplating what he was telling me was either not the truth or it was merely for the time being.  Again a few short lived years later I found myself single and lonely again and searching for love in all the wrong places.  Here the irony is "searching" you cannot search and find such a thing.  The true stuff is not forced on one but by chance, faith, it comes to those who wait.  My stubborness in obtaining what I felt I deserved in this life would become obtainable, not something I was willing to be like the weak, and just sit and wait for it.  Like sitting at a bus stop waiting for the next ride.  Well, ironically, I probably should have.  I remarried and without stating any mistakes of mine or his, it ended in divorce for very solid reasons.  I felt robbed and misguided by all the prayers I had prayed asking for a wonderful relationship and a good sound family.  In the short matrimony I once again longed to be a mother and give this man what he deserved, children of his own.  I had two beautiful girls.  Again, whatever the reasons are, the irony of it is that a woman that longs to be loved and desired so much had lost that somewhere.  Was I too busy with college, work after graduation, career mind set, being a mother that I neglected the man before me? Well if you ask me I know why I did if this was the case, but I guess that like everything else in life that felt like a mountain to climb would go unknown.  I swam against that current and carried on my wayward son.  Would there be peace when I was done?  Probably for a short time.  History repeats itself for single moms but inevitably those who STARVE for a long relationship.  I started a relationship with my soul mate.  I am NOT getting into details but I found IT, the ONE, stuck by me through a horrible tragedy that almost claimed the life I breath.  I had dreams while attempting to fade from this life I knew.  I am a strong person but it would have been so easily let go at this point in my life.  I am not going to lie.  When I "woke up" I find that I had no home, my kids were spread out, I missed my youngest baby's birthday, messed up the fourth of July plans we had made, and as I lay trying to peace my life together........Ironically I could not for the first time.  Broken from the waist down not to mention the worst, completely broken faith and hope.  Finally not even two weeks into the long recovery I knew would have to be endured, I realized I have to be a mother.  My mother was there caring for me. I knew she did not mind because I too know the unconditional love a mother has for a child.  The desire to care and nurture them no matter their age.  Not to mention the overwhelming desire to take their pain.  Ironically, my thought process was I am too old for my mother to be doing all of this and my children need me.  Put your big girl panties on Denna and MOVE.  Nonetheless, I went back to work four months later, mountain was half way conquered.  I had another surgery prior to returning to work to have my airway restored, never lost my strength.  As a matter of fact I do believe I attended a football game of my oldest child either the next day or two days later.  In my wheelchair with my new airway ha.  Get you some of that, I am one tough girl.  I worked for three months knowing that February would bring yet another major surgery on both legs at the same time and more time off work.  UGH and the wonderful wheelchair incarceration once again.  Well that obstacle got conquered quickly.  To the best of my memory I stayed in that dreaded wheelchair this time maybe a couple of days.  Mission accomplished.  I managed to do all of this with a smile on my face and persistence in my soul.  My hike had been nearly complete and I would return to work in just a couple of months after all the work comp hoopla.  YAY. NOPE I lost that job.  Seriously? I questioned God wondering WHY can someone else not take the brunt of some of this chaos?  I am strong and I know he will NOT put more on us than we can handle......for those of us that are strong.....it adds up to be a mountain that is almost impossible to climb.  BUT thanks to my all American mom and dad, that is ludicrous and not possible.  It is NOT in my vocabulary to lay down and allow life or anyone to beat me down.  I found my way.....again.  I came to realize that us tough people take alot because had these obstacles been put in the path of a very weak person the outcome could have been tragic.  To say the least I felt like life may be looking up and I had spent my time hurting emotionally and physically.  Ironically, that marriage ended.  I am sure me and my children suck the life out of this person, not really, but who am I to say that enduring such for someone who had not truly experienced any hardships was too much.  Carry on my wayward son there will peace when you are done.  Keep on smiling Wet Willie's voice sang around in my head.  In the past I had managed to truck along with a determination like no other, a smile bigger than life, and strength of Joan of Ark.  But, this broke my spirit and my determination like no other.  My mind raced and thoughts randomly ran across my everyday thought process. I QUIT, not being a mother or enduring the pain of what i loved, hospice.  But believing in this whole Love business and the fact that any love other than that between a mother and child is unconditional.  Since then I have been diagnosed with a neurological disorder and found I have multiple brain lesions.  Was this possibly a sign to rest?  Maybe?  One cannot do that if there is no one there to catch her when she falls, kiss her forehead after a horrible day, thank her for the smallest things she does, and promise to love her even though she is damaged goods.  Bruised but not broken.  Love her enough to stand by her whether she is making millions or potentially drawing disability.  Whats a girl to do?  Keep on keeping on.  When the going gets tough the tough get going.  Keep on smiling.  Aint nothing gonna breaka my stride.  And I was swimming against a strong current physically some days but truly conquering the situation, there was still an overwhelming urge to find something to believe in.  I believe in the power of prayer, I do it daily several times, God and all his goodness, the fact he knows what lies before us before we are born, and the goodness of very few people in the world.  But I still believe there is unconditional love other than just that of my children.  What woman doesn't need or want that.  What person isn't worthy of finding that someday? 
     Recently, I have come to learn that when you take your heart and conscience out of the shoebox under the bed and trust in someone and swallow your pride and allow others to help you in a time of great need, that people are good.  God is good always, but some people are good.  I have always believed that God puts people in our lives for a reason, whether it's a lifetime or a season.  At this time in my life and with, yet another major life changing event that not only affects me but my kids mainly and my entire family and circle of friends, that I am weak.  I do need people in my life.  I have a new respect for my circle of close friends and even a new respect and gratitude for some I would have never imagined would acknowledge me much less lend a helping hand.  I am very thankful for my family, of course, and a few friends that are rocks.  Also for some that haven't been able to help other than prayer and some encouraging words.  My shoebox under my bed is empty.  I always wanted the strength to do that.  I am strong, stronger than one can imagine, but I was never strong enough to have faith in a human, open up my heart and live day to day, take it in slowly and enjoy the time with those I hold dear to my heart.  Ironically, I also learned that my heart is best in that shoebox, my old way was not so bad because it kept my feelings off my sleeve and any pain away from my heart.  Again the irony here is that my heart always hurt anyway, in the long run.  It feels good to open up, the short time it lasted, to breath it in, live for the moment, take that leap of faith, and even enjoy needing someone or something to the point that I could not imagine life without it. BUT, there is a new feeling that I never known.  I must say I have spent my entire adult life searching for a new feeling, knowing there is more out there, there has got to be a new feeling besides the ones I have experienced.  Heartache, pain, suffering, guilt, worry, loneliness, abandoned, disappointed, begrudged, resentful, to name a few.  Do not mistake I have experienced gratitude, happiness, enlightenment, and proud beyond explanation.  But not as much as I have felt the others.  For all its wonder and all its truth, love exists just not always in ways we want or ways we dream or imagine it.  I know what it is now and that is all i can say.  Ironically, it, my friends, when it does not prosper is much more painful than all others combined.  I had no idea but the funny thing is.........Now I know what it is and I know when I feel it.  It's real and it does exist.  Ironic, No!!! Ironic that it was short lived yet will live forever in my heart. Absolutely.  My lesson learned here, no need to cry or focus on the hurt in our lives, but cherish what you have NOW. We live on borrowed time everyday.  Enjoy it, love it, cherish it, and pay it forward.  I think I will leave you all with that for now, my baby girls want to go for a walk............some I am going to soak up some unconditional love and moments I can never get back once they pass me by.  I am broken not bruised.  I am ironically thankful for such lessons today.  Live and learn. Laugh alot Love deep and never let your praying knees get lazy.  Material things are irrelevant, never take things for granted, never assume you can change anyone or fix anyone, don't make promises you never intend to keep or are potentially impossible to keep, and surround yourself with people that you know love you.  I shall close with one of my favorite sayings and I will stay true because of those that have taught me I am worthy of being loved, I deserve to be loved unconditionally for WHO and WHAT I am, and one day I WILL be, its a matter of time.  If you cant love me at my worst you don't deserve me at my best. 
Good night friends.
In the words of my ex #2 whom Ironically has good witty words when i need to hear them.....DDQ!!!
Denna Doesn't Quit! :-)