Here In My Life........Just In Time

Here we go again
Please not tonight
Give me rest for once
Until daylight

Noone should dread the sun as it sets
And praise the sunrise
After a night with no rest

That's how it is
Here in my life
Most days I am much too weary
to be a mommy and a wife

Not to mention the fog
That smothers my thoughts and memories
Making it difficult to distinguish reality from dreaming

Days of sleepiness
Tired as hell
Seems as though nothing helps
To make me feel well

Days of doing tasks I cannot recall
Then wondering if i even did them at all

Reminding loved ones of talks we once had
Only for them to inform me we had not
Makes me so mad
The madness comes from the hurt within
But its not anger at all
But sadness from all the talks and memories
I cannot recall

The days of wasting life
Sleeping hours away
Fall into nights where morining
Seems like an enternity away

Tossing and turning
Watching the clock
Anxiously awaiting morning's arrival
And the visits to stop

Doing this and doing that
To wear myself down
So maybe I can get some sleep
And in my slumber remain safe and sound

I don't know the feeling of not being embarassed and ashamed
But the feeling I know too well
Is the one of sadness and pain
And dread
Of the strange disease I have in my head
That causes me to sleep any and everywhere
Except in my bed

The one that causes my body to collapse
And become limp
With anger, excitement, or laughter
That is merely a glimpse....
Of what it's like here in the life
Of a sleepy mommy and wife

Days and nights filled with forgetfulness
And regret
Of things I failed to accomplished
This weighs heavy on my chest
Almost as heavy as the visitor that taunts me at night
Suffocating me
Ruining my life
Night after night

Finally I seem to have spent all my energy and nod my head
In a blurry haze I find my way to my bed
Just in time
Once again
For the nightmare to begin

Putting My Writing and Thoughts to Use

This is an old blog from one I started years ago I found it last week but I want to save them to my main blog so bare with me!

Putting My Writing and Thoughts to Good Use
Well I am constantly reading blogs and actually writing things myself day to day. SO, I decided I would Blog all of my writings etc so that I would have a record of it and also have all my writing in ONE spot. I truly wish I had starting Blogging before my accident so that all the details of the last four years were more like a story rather than little memories and thoughts from multiple synapse firings throughout the day. The ADD frame of mind.
I started this Blog because for years and years I have been told by homeless people, average Jon and Jane Does, the millionaire, the famous singer/songwriter, and the famous sitcom actor/actress, that i am special, unique, mysterious, witty, bitchy, and even very intelligent.....a former state swimmer, head cheerleader, dean's list, homecoming court, class favorite, teen mom, go getter, two time divorcee, wild child, recluse, experienced one of a near death experience, single mom four times over, a dreamer, creative, kranky, hard exterior, etc etc......but yet Denna you are such a .......average southern gal.
I have been through some hell in my day and even raised my share of it. My mother will most definately vouch for that. My dad, well he would vouch for that also and also add .... she may have been hell on wheels sometimes but she's tuff as a pineknot and hangs in there like hair in a biscuit. My mama feels the same but her reply was always....she was of the devil and i knew it from the time i nearly died having her to all the times she nearly died while i was raising her :) haha I was a pain but it came from my strong will and stubborn demeanor. At the same time I never met a stranger and was friendly and loving. Thank God my parents raised me firm but managed not to dampen my spirit. As a neurosurgeon that I worked for for 11 years referred to me, a firecracker, which also blossomed into another nickname, TNT!! Thats fine by me because great things do come in small packages. I like to walk in somewhere and impose only lightly.......then.....BANG i make sure all understand the things I am TRULY capable of.
Well enough for today....just a preview. I was a teen mom, not like the show teen mom, making it on the cover of People Magazine was NOT my experience having a child so young and continuing to raise him alone for 22 years. Nope I never made it to a magazine cover yet I am a role model in one way that I also never ended up on the front of Hard Times Magazine or in the local arrests forum. BUT Teen Mom is only the beginning of my journey. I have been a student, a teacher, a mentor, the mentored, a secretary with a four year old on medicaid, married and divorced two times over, a kickboxing queen, a work a holic, a stay at home mom, both, a free spirit, a nervous wreck, a narcoleptic, life of the party, the party pooper, a single mom of four, domestic violence, June Clever, Roseanne, College graduate, Mrs. Jones, Hospice Nurse, On call that is, worked for state, worked for Avon, almost opened my own business, and a Director of Nursing for a corporate company. Best friend, lover, wife of a coach.....a coach of three and four sports at a time at times. I am the happiest woman in the world with fairy tale stories and sad case country music video about the southern girl that started young and has never been anywhere and has been misjudged and mistreated and at times treated better than i should have been. So ok audience, thats me in a nut shell. That does NOT even break the ice on all the things i have been through, experienced, and seen. I am woman hear me ROAR. No man that i have ever known could have endured what i have been through and picked myself up from and continued on. Watch me as i keep going. My closest friends and family KNOW, please dont get in her way while on a mission, she will pick up and take you on her journey OR if she has a premonition of you and its a bad one,she will step on you on her way to her mission. THEN LOVE YOU.
For more of my so called life that.......according to my soon to be sister in law.......should be a weekly reality sitcom....nuff said.
Posted by 1Tuffmom at 3:37 PM No comments:
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Labels: ADD, ADHD, coach's wife, college, divorce, hang in like hair in a biscuit, highschool pregnant, Lupus, multiple children, multiple divorced, Narcolepsy, near death, nurse, single mom

The Reality of Dreaming

We all dream.  Some remember some don't.  Some wake us up crying, some wake us up smiling, and some wake us up scared.  The reality of a dream for me is usually lucid and more realistic than most can imagine.  As of lately I have become a member of some pretty awesome groups that have led me not to hide my illness.  No, not my MS, but my narcolepsy with cataplexy!  The reality of a dream for me comes in naps during the day, drifting off for seconds at inappropriate times, often unnoticed by people around me, or my night slumber.  A dream in my world is very vivid and lucid.  From the man that visits occasionally with heavy footsteps to the pressure on my chest sucking the air and life from within me haunt me more than not.  Lately, my night visitor, the large pasty pale man with the stitched wound on his face wearing loose clothing and heavy boots has left me alone, however the lucid dreams of trying to move to get to my children and save them while my body is paralyzed but my mind is wide awake haunts me.  Lately my dreams are taking place in my granny Aycock's old home on Route 3, otherwise known as Woodmont Drive.  The first one was about two months ago.  Me and Matt were staying the night in the room my brother and I stayed as kids. The antique white bedroom suit was exactly as it was then. A huge bed that I had to jump to get on, an end table with a clock and lamp, a dresser with a mirror that was aged with antique perfume bottles placed neatly on top, and a chest towards the foot of the bed.  I can see it now almost as well as I can see it in that dream.  It started as a weird scenario that would never happen.  Matt and I were separated and I was angry at him because he had given a key to a friend I used to work with and allowed her and all her kids and spouse to stay there.  We were arguing because he had NO RIGHT to allow anyone to stay in my grandparents home especially since they were deceased and he and I were separated.  I decide we should bed down for the night and halfway into sleep I heard a dog fight outside the window to the right.  I opened the window and two dogs were being attacked by two other large dogs.  As I went to the window it opened up into a walk through door, I walked out and yelled at the dogs to "git!" One growling walked towards me and transformed ever so smoothly into a male human and said for me to mind my own business and go inside! I turned and ran inside and laid back down.  Then I heard a ruckus in the room where the other family lay asleep.  Startled and thinking I was dreaming I sat up in bed to a demonic looking figure half animal half man.  His neck was crooked and he had a shot gun!! Because his neck appeared broke he was a terrible aim! He shot and shot at me and missed and I explained to Matt he was a bad shot and can't hit the broad side of a barn and to keep moving towards me as he aimed to shoot at him! Matt did so and this demon kept shooting and we were lucky to avoid injury and Matt tried to save me and got shot in the arm! I screamed and told him he shot my love and he would die!!!!! As he laughed an evil hysterical laugh that horrified me the only thing close was an ax.  I picked it up and hit him with all my might, you can imagine revenge on someone or something hurting the one you love!  I so vividly felt the ax sink in his skull and as he fell I could NOT stop and continued to hit him over and over before checking on Matt!! I woke up breathing hard and looking around the room!! Every sound all night made me wake up!! By the time dawn came I found myself paralyzed once in thinking I heard footsteps!! Only to finally be able to move and realized it was the leak in the shower. WHEW!!! I told some of my family about it! I shared this I suppose cause it was the first lucid dream that I conquered my demon! I was also but at the same time, not so lucky in my next dream.

This one was two nights ago.  It took place at my granny Aycock's house as well.  Her big pretty front yard with the two big trees, one in which our old tree house once resided and I spent many summers. This dream didn't even start pleasant it went straight to a dark headed male that I do not know shooting at me and my family! The man, whom in my dream was an acquaintance and had been no threat to us, opened fire.  It quickly fast forwarded to me being gunned down and looking at this man as I lay in the ditch by the mailbox in my grand parents front yard.  As he walked away I raised my head and my dad was across the gravel driveway In the other ditch.  I told Daddy that whatever he shot us with was NOT killing us to lay still and stop breathing if he approached again.  My dad then offered the advice to "lay still baby if he thinks you're dead he will stop!" I told my dad lay down and shush!!  I lay there hurting and helpless other than to offer that advice to dad and tell him to pass it down to the others.  I laid very still  and heard him coming, I was willing to take the brunt because I was his main target!  He shot my daddy again and came to me........he shot me again and again!! It felt like razors shaving through my body and burned like fire and I found the strength to lay still.  My hand flinched and he said, "Aww your hand moved that's a sign you aren't dead!" And he put his gun pointe blank range on my palm and shot!  I managed to stay still!! As he walked away down the road I waited til he was gone far enough and lifted my head and my dad was looking at me........I woke up on the couch in my house.  I needed to go to bed with Matt but I was afraid it was another restless night and didn't want to keep him up.  Before I could move I fell asleep and I was slumped over and had a sleep paralysis attack and felt as though I could  not breath.  Knowing I was not around Matt to arouse me for that split second or minute I felt as though I would die.  This of course kept me from immediately wanting to sleep.  I sat up a few minutes before residing to bed with Matt where the rest of the night was a sequel to my dream picking up at different locations. 

Exhausting!! Just a day in the life of Narcolepsy!! No wonder we are so exhausted all day and have doctor ordered naps daily!!! Not to mention a day filled with wonderful cataplexy triggered by laughter, pleasure, and anger or excitement. All of which I have learned to stow away way beneath the surface due to cataplexy.  It's been a rough year which is a whole different post on an entirely different day!