Monday, June 18, 2012

Boxing Up My Life

Today I am struggling very hard with life in general.  About two days ago, if I may be honest, and even one week ago I was using my education and talents as a hospice nurse to figure out how I myself could die with dignity and as comfortable as possible.  It's sad that someone as strong as I am physically and mentally would even fathom such a thought to end their own life.  But after three divorces, losing the last one whom I thought was my soul mate and his love for me would never end, a near fatal car accident, diagnosis of not one but two diseases, and now legal issues and a job that has put me on leave without my being guilty of anything other than being sick, has seriously sucked the last bit of energy out of my physical being.  I have sit down and combed through the years, months, days, hours, minutes, and seconds of my life more times than any one person should ever have to endure.  My heart broke in different ways each time.  After my second marriage ended and having two small babies from this relationship, not to mention two older ones from previous relationships, I had a car wreck that changed my life forever.  The pain daily from the injuries sustained in the wreck are a battle I win daily because I do not take medications for the pain.  I am very strong and I take much pride in being such.   Shortly after this accident, which warranted my children and myself homeless, we found our way again, bought a home.  Then my third husband and I married and moved my kids and myself to a home we would establish our lives together forever in.  The first two years were wonderful, other than typical issues and the stubbornness and selfishness that goes along with being married to a coach.  So many things changed over the course of the years and it was heart wrenching to watch all the events and so forth unfold in front of my very eyes.  I had been here before so many times.  Sure enough I once again had to sit and go through and relive every event good and bad, of my life as I boxed my so called life up once again to move and relocate my children and myself in a new home and once again start a new life.  I do not like change and have always kept my head up and been very strong and made the changes affect my kids lives as little as possible.  We started a new life about eight months ago after a devastating breakup between my third husband and myself.  It was heart wrenching to box my life up once again.  But I must say, on 4/13/12 my life and my childrens' lives changed drastically.  I am an on call nurse, had been on call, and not to mention physically drained, dealing with not only a diagnosis of narcolepsy for several years, but now a diagnosis of demyelinating disease which was misdiagnosed and treated as lupus for over a year.  I feel as though I cannot get a break.  But it was Friday and if I could physically just push through the day it was Friday.  But events changed the course of that day and have since affected my life and those closest to me.  Today, I am once again, combing through the years, months, weeks, days, hours, minutes and seconds of my life.  I feel as though I destroy my childrens' lives even though the things that have drastically affected them are not by choice or wrong doing.  This is a difficult time.  I have always provided for my family better than any man could.  Now i am unable to even feed my children, much less keep our home.  So we are moving and will be moved before July 1st.  My heart is very heavy and I cannot keep my tears dried long enough to once again Box up my life.  This time its even worse.  I am not only boxing up our lives once again, but storing it in a storage building.  My how one's health, energy level, and their desire to achieve a career can leave you bound, helpless, and most of all at this point I feel very hopeless also.  I have always at this point been planning the road to redemption, and for the first time in my life I am not strong enough to start that journey another time.  Like always, people that have helped me through wont always be a part of my life, this hurts also.  Just once in my life I want one person to come into my life but stay.  Always.  I want that and also need it.  I'm tired of physically boxing up my life but not just that, My heart is tired of being placed in the box also.  But everyone always tells me, "Denna you are so much better alone, so much stronger, so much better."  These people do not truly see the real Denna, the girl that is so needy for affection and love that its unbearable. I also know there is no cure but only ways to slow down disease progression.  I want someone to be there for me.  When it causes me issues I truly would like someone to be there, someone who never asks me to box up my life and start over.  Until someone is boxing it up for me for I will no longer be here. 

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