Today
Today is your day you enter the real world not as a boy but as a man.
But like I've always told you time and time again
No matter how old you get you're always mommy's little man.
So as usual I have plenty to say and advice to give,
If I may.
Always look ahead to the goals you desire to dream
Set them realistically so they are possible to achieve.
This keeps you striving because you avoid letting yourself down,
Because that's who you have to lean on
When no one else is around.
After reaching one you set to achieve another,
Always remember these wise words from your mother.
When your goals are reached the adventure has just about to begin,
And during your travels you will rise and fall again and again.
Some days are tough and some hardest of all,
But today I want you to know I will catch you when you fall.
When the world can be cruel and mean just know that it happens to all us and deal with it clever and keen.
Our outlook and poise during the times we get knocked down,
Determine how we continue,
Just tune out all the noise
Today I give you a gift to last your whole life through
Don't let people interrupt your path to yourself stay true.
Be kind to everyone no matter their worth or looks because
Some of the most valuable people you will meet don't fit in or go by the books.
Treasure your family because you're true shelter they are
They are always here for you no matter where you go or how far.
Today I remind you of what I hoped you learned from words I spoke that didn't mean anything then
But when circumstance pushes you will hear them time and time again.
Smile at strangers and be kind to the poor
Don't break anyone's heart intentionally because broken wings make it impossible to soar.
Take my lessons and remember them don't make mistakes as mine
But know any choices I made seemed right at the time
Be loyal to your friends and family for some don't have any
But also just ignore and don't waste time on you're enemies.
Treat women like a lady never treat one mean or unkind
Don't break people's trust because it's hard to get back for quiet sometime.
Enjoy life because we only have one
This also means be smart and think before you act my son
Today you start a whole New chapter in life
Its full of surprise, success, and strife
God blessed you with more than you know at this time
And he blessed me with you sweet child of mine.
So Today put on that crooked littke grin that will probably get you out of as much trouble
As it gets you in.
Today I watch my baby walk across that stage
And start life starting a new page.
I hope I loved you enough for you to make your way
as I let go of My baby and welcome my young man today
Today I won't cry because although you've grown-up
You will hopefully never grow apart because today I want you to know
That you are a quarter of my heart.
It isn't whole without you in it
So today you start life
Be in it to win it.
Happy Graduation
I love you Blake
Mom
Sunday, May 24, 2015
Saturday, January 17, 2015
From the Coach's Wife's Desk
I sit here thinking, contemplating on even publishing my excerpt during the season where we have such victory yet defeat. Defeat in fans, parents, fair weather friends, and even issues at home when the HOME team needs the coach and the "HOME" TEAM needs the coach as well. I'm often asked to cross my Ts and dot my Is check myself and remember where I am from before I speak. My head coach prefers for me let things roll and take it with a grain of salt, ignore it, and leave my witty sarcasm out of my discussion. Then I remember that so many times as a single mom and dad, a hospice nurse, a patient who awoke from a coma scared, a rehab patient who became friends with her therapists, a person with so much physical and emotional pain, a person burdened with Narcolepsy and Cataplexy and multiple sclerosis, and a person that has been on every socio-economic level from making fine as a single woman, to losing weight working 2-3 jobs to feed my kids, to the person everyone Sat with just because of who I was at the time, back to homeless and hungry due to working myself to death as a single mother and not having the choice to stop or to rest. After remembering all of that and realizing this is why give had the same friends a lifetime, why I was the trauma and ortho docs favorite yet most sarcastic patient, why my mom who lives far away and my step dad are bored when I return home after a visit, why friends know I will be truthful, and always admit what I said. Also why people know there aren't skeletons in my personal closet because I am not ashamed and pull them out myself so you have nothing to say. It takes the fun out of talking about people when they have already spilled the beans lol. Then I read the name on my blog. I realize I can say whatever I want. In my blog I am the head coach this is MY HOME COURT, Like real life my players are my readers :) some are on board with my game some aren't. And just like readers have the choice to read another blog, players have a choice to play for another team, simple. I have no pity for ones that say impossible. I attended a high school which I adored and wanted My kids to attend the same. My oldest was an outstanding basketball player and did not make the team at my large and prestigious alma mater. As a parent, I don't assume my child should make teams, make all-star, and definitely start on a team. Once my son was used for one purpose and it was not that I knew he was capable of so much more but HE KNEW...he was repeatedly brought off the bench to shoot his mean 3 and put the team back ahead. What a chore for a mere sophomore who adored playing B team because all He wanted to do was play but he did it. No qurstions, no whining to me for he knew my reply. I moved him from my alma mater across to another town were this is exactly what the coach did with him. My child was a minority at that HS but like I always told him....there is no place to belly ache you wanna compete? Dig in and earn that spot put in extra time at the gym....mission accomplished, however the situation remained the same. Some would have pulled the race card or put it all over MySpace lol. Going to play for the blue map, after my child always being called in to dig the team out of the hole, didn't get in hardly at all if at all. With the student section screaming "put Barnes in!"
I assured my son he helped them get there,chin up. It wasn't til after this team got kicked out of basketball camp twice for fighting or stealing that my son chose not to play with these type people any longer. He said he was not playing and verbalized that this school in his credentials may hinder him from attending the very college they were stirring up a ruckus. I knew his love of the game so I switched schools once more to a small county school on a mountain top that didn't stand a chance.....of course my kid was the star and took them to victory many Times. However the other side of that is another son awesome at football but loved basketball also and looked up to his brother. Now this brings me to my entire reason for this blog.
I have an issue with my coach being accused of playing children lucky enough to be born to certain parents, living a certain lifestyle, or being wealthy. Because first of all, my entire household believes a kid has nothing, their parents may, the child however doesn't have one red cent. Money does not win ballgames. Of course except in the NBA when you practically "buy" the best players :D okay now that we are clear on that let me sarcastically paint another picture for those who don't understand ..... I was taught better by my all American mom and dad who taught me to work and work harder, no handouts and nothing worth having is free.....I hate not everyone is taught this growing up. I'm sorry for that, really. What wins games in high school is just the simple remedy of talent + hard work + strategy + some God given natural talent + knowing your opponent + desire to win, and like him or not, just some Damn good coaching. They don't teach the real coaching tactics in college. Its experience, having been there. It is a "calling." I can rest easy knowing that when my coach stands before God he will have plenty to discuss after fulfilling his purpose :) Not once has he questioned it or tried to rebuke his calling. I will never forget the anger and hurt I have felt in the past with my coach being accused of being biased, prejudice, or favoring anyone, and the best....and most humorous ......trying to please certain parents. Lets revert back to my football player that LOVES basketball. HE just happen to be the age where my coach was the head coach and was holding tryouts. So proud of my coaching tactics and skills.....wait I mean parenting skills.My son said how nice and easy if I were automatically on the team because of " who I am but I know I got to hustle and I also know I'm not quiet the player as some of my peers," how mature. Well my coach aka husband cut this child, my child, how dare he, how could this be?? Know why cause He needs to WIN. WINNING KEEPS HIM EMPLOYED AND FOOD IN MY FAMILY'S MOUTH, A ROOF OVER OUR HEADS, THE POSSIBILITY OF MY DAUGHTERS GRADUATING FROM A SCHOOL THEY ADORE, and remaining happy for the first time since losing their biological father a little over a year ago. It means I continue medical treatments for my illness. This coach is coaching more than just a game on the court. I am sick at times and need a coach myself, but mine is coaching elsewhere. Many days of collapsing, spasms, pain.....I want MY coach here coaching to keep me at the level I am and not worse. He's coaching his life passion but yet coaching my girls way of hopefully remaining in one place. When they cry about a father gone and need the one here known as daddy also, he is busy with others' children. So I get horrifically offended by the selfish, childish, comments made before realizing that court and that gym is only a small fraction of my coach's life.
I wish I had a dollar for every hurt feeling, sad and happy one, every regret he has because the game got so intense that his intentions are lost, and for every tear I've seen him shed for what a player may be going through that he shares with his coach, my coach. I would be wealthy, wealthier than I am in witnessing it first hand.
Last, when my coach is slandered, verbally or on social media, I have to wonder, what are you teaching your kids? Its ok to gossip, point fingers, or even cyber bully? I can tell you it is the exact message that is being sent. I fail miserably at messages I send my kids time and time again. Because although I come from a family and a school that exemplifies class I am still me. I have a short fuse and the desire to defend my family with the fight of a tiger. As a young mother 25 years ago I had been known to take it outside or ask one to take a seat or I would gladly show you to your seat. But not until the verbal attack on my kids became physical or intimidating or vulgar to my cubs. Like TNT.... I had a very hard time teaching my kids that education, class, knowledge is triumphant over temper when mine is so short, no tolerance for BS, immaturity,drama, bullying, stupidity, etc.....but I met a coach. He taught me that extra part of class I was lacking. That part where it's ok to be bossy, sarcastic, witty, and stand up for myself and my kids, my family and friends, and what I believe in. He taught me that even though a majority of my views are legit and right on.....not all of them are and it is ok to think other people's views are just as legit in their homes
In closing, before you hide behind social media or a church door or a cell phone, camera, whatever your poison, know that my baby girls hear things and their feelings have been hurt and for that reason it became my business! But without the sarcasm or the things I would like to say I will close in a thank you. Thanks coach for teaching me things later in life, things my poor parents never could enforce because I was then an adult out on my own and allowed so many obstacles and triumph to make me hard. Thanks for instilling the piece of class I lacked, of walking away at times as opposed to wasting my breath that falls onto deaf ears. Thanks for constantly butting your head against a brick wall called stubbornness when trying to have your sweet compassion rub off on me and for teaching Me sweet revenge and being a mastermind revenge queen wasn't sweet after all. Off the record thanks for staying with me through my wreck,coma, and long rehab when we thought I may not walk.......thanks for asking for my hand, love you BIG. YOU didn't have to saying as you came into our lives only four months prior to that day. Thanks for coaching and loving us through. Most of all thanks for loving me the assistant coach, even though here is my court, my team, my way.......
And as for the lovers and the haters. Team is team and every player matters. My coach finally instilled this in my boys who always said who cares if we win a ring if I never play......
I knew this when my youngest boy, the one who didn't make my coach's team, in good spirits says...during and intense time playing football for MSHS says " our WINNING football dynasty is only as good as the scout team!!!" haha love it. And such truth from such a young man. With that said I think an awesome bunch of kids are learning what winning feels like!
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
Who We Are
This is part 1 of blog sessions I am calling
Crossover: The Coach's Wife's Guide for The Coach On and Off the Court :D
Who is the coach's wife? Let me start by saying we are people and spectators of the sport, a human, a mother, a daughter, a wife, we just happen to be married to the coach. We work in a different field than out coach yet raise our children alone a majority of the time and still keep the house in order and support our favorite coach.
What do we want? I can only speak for some of the wives I've met throughout my being drafted by our coaching hubbies but I am not shy to speak up.
First of all, what we want from the general public is easy, simple treat people how you want to be treated Golden Rule. Please don't judge me on my appearance or the fact I try overly hard to get to know you or make sure everyone knows I'm the new coach's wife. Also on the other side and as for myself, please don't judge me because I seem snotty or unapproachable just because I keep to myself and am not overly involved. Some people are more comfy in the spotlight and are so utterly proud of her coaching spouse they seem to be all over the place and everyone's bestie. The rest of us are perfectly content just introducing ourselves as ourselves not the coach's wife. We lose our own identity through the process of being teamed up with a coach so never expect me to say I am the coach's wife until after I've used my name :) because not only am I Justin,Blake, Baylee, and Gabby's mom, I am Debbie's daughter and Billy's youngest, Mike's sister, and so and so' sold hospice nurse, I am also known as ......yep "the coach's wife."
We want respect not to bash the man we love within hearing distance. We love our loud coach just as you love your banker, accountant, preacher, iron worker, doctor, lawyer, etc etc. How would you react to one of us bashing your spouse and talking about his piss poor job when there is no way I can do his job? Correct it would not be pleasant.....so I ask for understanding and forgiveness when I react the same way! Also we ask get know us for us. Don't eat me up to my face because I am the coach's wife, I have no pull with my coach if your son is picked for his team or gets cut.....NONE! He cut our own child the second day of tryouts so that's no necessary. Do not dislike us because you dislike our coach. We are not the coach and have no control over his temper when he feels his team could give more or when he feels the referee is cheating his team. Do not judge me on his performance and avoid me during losing streaks or when your child doesn't play as much as you think they should. And don't act as though I'm a personal best friend during winning seasons and when your child is the star player. That will only start rumors about us both from the prior one because our friendship is why your child starts. No again my own child my own flesh and blood got cut! I have no say in who is on the coach's team!
And last for now, do NOT for one moment think that when the game is over and everyone goes home that I get my love back.......because I don't! He replays the game over and over until he is ready for bed. During the off season he works behind the scenes trying to make the program better to inspire young athletes to give 100%. Don't get angry when he scolds a child because he scolds mine twice as bad and it's for the same reasons not doing your part or doing your best or simply not doing what your told!! And please don't expect wins all the time and judge his ability on the record! He is teaching your child more than just ball, he or she may not know it yet but later will realize what he learned from my coaching hubby. Never doubt my coach's feelings for his players for your kids are the topic of conversations at my house or over dinner when we have our own kids. Your child's needs and interest get met often before our own. Not because it's his job....know that it's his job because it's his calling, his passion, his Love for the game!
XXOO
Tuesday, June 10, 2014
Hard Pill to Swallow
Often in life we deal with things that are "hard to swallow." Rejection, death of loved ones, broken heart, humiliation, and sometimes, the truth. Lord knows I've had my days of hard to swallow but seems as though the absolute worst of times can be the best of times. I don't know if this is a mind game or trickery I have mastered to soothe my soul during constant obstacles or if I really do have a knack for being thankful for the good in my life.
For starters I struggle with the obstacles of MS and Narcolepsy with cataplexy daily. No one or anyone EXCEPT someone with both can fathom the daily hurdles. The struggle of simply getting a shower which somedays is more tiring than the actually not having a shower, hard pill to swallow. Being so fatigued that I prefer to not speak to or see anyone from the outside world, arms giving out before I can dry my hair, not to mention getting so overheated that I no longer feel like doing anything else before having a nap, very hard pill to swallow. Not being able to remember or recall things that happened or forgetting important dates yep I get choked on that also. Numbness or pain to the point I'd just soon stay in bed all day to avoid a fall, injury, or embarrassment, yes big pill to swallow. Fatigue that's more than being tired and even a 24 hour shift as a nurse plus being up for 24 more doesn't touch it. Again hard to swallow when I used to be someone that everyone thought NEVER ran out of energy, worked two sometimes three jobs. People assuming your lazy or depressed because of something other than trying to make the best of a life drastically changed? Yeah you guessed it.
One of the two hardest things is trying to explain it to people or trying not to get pissed over the advice they give when they are not even educated to the disease. I find everyday the less I like the general population and the more I like those like me. Those with autoimmune illnesses where their body is constantly trying to attack itself. No two people are effected alike. Not everyone falls asleep in their soup and with MS not everyone is in a wheelchair. So all the advice, judgement, and misunderstandings are a very hard pill to swallow.
In closing the hardest of all for me is the day of my accident and the arrests and DUI and mostly the media spotlight and all the cruel comments about me and wishing bad things on my innocent family who had nothing to do with it. It was so hard to have not one person other than my family and friends and those that knew me to even try to defend my character. Anyone that knows me knows my pride was my reputation and my God given talent of being such a skilled hospice nurse. My heart hurts every single day for a man don't even know. I wish him nothing but the best and for whatever would make his life easier. Not one time did I pray for myself through any of this nor try to excuse anything. I was physically and emotionally exhausted and like other times due to what I know now was cognitive impairment, took the wrong medicine at the wrong time. I was oblivious to what I had done. I was living in a nightmares of my own and continue physically and mentally daily to do so. Not karma because the good lord knows me, what's in my heart, and that things were totally health related and not intentional. But the people of the world avoid ambien it is truly a hard pill to swallow and should be banned, in my opinion.
In closing, to those who wish harm, passed judgement with no knowledge of circumstance, to the people who never give others a chance, cannot forgive, cannot ask forgiveness because crow is also hard to swallow, those who gossip, and to the ones who claim to have never known me or aren't truthful about any relationship with me, claim to be Christian yet lie and judge? Be prepared because karma is the hardest pill of all to swallow. So save room for it. Treat people how you want to be treated because you can have your life as you know it jerked out from under you too. My life has changed drastically because of two invisible illnesses and I "look fine" I know this and please never say it to me again for your pills will be hard to swallow with your jaws wired shut ;)
For starters I struggle with the obstacles of MS and Narcolepsy with cataplexy daily. No one or anyone EXCEPT someone with both can fathom the daily hurdles. The struggle of simply getting a shower which somedays is more tiring than the actually not having a shower, hard pill to swallow. Being so fatigued that I prefer to not speak to or see anyone from the outside world, arms giving out before I can dry my hair, not to mention getting so overheated that I no longer feel like doing anything else before having a nap, very hard pill to swallow. Not being able to remember or recall things that happened or forgetting important dates yep I get choked on that also. Numbness or pain to the point I'd just soon stay in bed all day to avoid a fall, injury, or embarrassment, yes big pill to swallow. Fatigue that's more than being tired and even a 24 hour shift as a nurse plus being up for 24 more doesn't touch it. Again hard to swallow when I used to be someone that everyone thought NEVER ran out of energy, worked two sometimes three jobs. People assuming your lazy or depressed because of something other than trying to make the best of a life drastically changed? Yeah you guessed it.
One of the two hardest things is trying to explain it to people or trying not to get pissed over the advice they give when they are not even educated to the disease. I find everyday the less I like the general population and the more I like those like me. Those with autoimmune illnesses where their body is constantly trying to attack itself. No two people are effected alike. Not everyone falls asleep in their soup and with MS not everyone is in a wheelchair. So all the advice, judgement, and misunderstandings are a very hard pill to swallow.
In closing the hardest of all for me is the day of my accident and the arrests and DUI and mostly the media spotlight and all the cruel comments about me and wishing bad things on my innocent family who had nothing to do with it. It was so hard to have not one person other than my family and friends and those that knew me to even try to defend my character. Anyone that knows me knows my pride was my reputation and my God given talent of being such a skilled hospice nurse. My heart hurts every single day for a man don't even know. I wish him nothing but the best and for whatever would make his life easier. Not one time did I pray for myself through any of this nor try to excuse anything. I was physically and emotionally exhausted and like other times due to what I know now was cognitive impairment, took the wrong medicine at the wrong time. I was oblivious to what I had done. I was living in a nightmares of my own and continue physically and mentally daily to do so. Not karma because the good lord knows me, what's in my heart, and that things were totally health related and not intentional. But the people of the world avoid ambien it is truly a hard pill to swallow and should be banned, in my opinion.
In closing, to those who wish harm, passed judgement with no knowledge of circumstance, to the people who never give others a chance, cannot forgive, cannot ask forgiveness because crow is also hard to swallow, those who gossip, and to the ones who claim to have never known me or aren't truthful about any relationship with me, claim to be Christian yet lie and judge? Be prepared because karma is the hardest pill of all to swallow. So save room for it. Treat people how you want to be treated because you can have your life as you know it jerked out from under you too. My life has changed drastically because of two invisible illnesses and I "look fine" I know this and please never say it to me again for your pills will be hard to swallow with your jaws wired shut ;)
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
This Is My Life
. I have sat up alone until 2-3:00am several days this week. In the hours I have sat and played games on my cell phone or researched the best alternative methods for relieving symptoms of each of my illnesses, I have also thought about my life and questioned myself. What have you done with your life? Did it matter to anyone and have you made a difference? Has it been enough? I have never felt like no matter how many jobs I have held down at once, how many kids I have reared, nor how awesome they all are, I have always felt the need to do more or accomplish more. Now that I have let MS and Narcolepsy get the best of me lately and I no longer get to do hospice for a living, I sit and ponder on my life. From the start of struggle to now.
First of all I was a teen mom. It was not glorified then. There was no cover of a magazine or TV show. Those shows seem to make the Teenage mom look both harder and easier than it really is. I wrote Memoirs of a Single Mother over the years and hopefully one day I will publish it or get the nerve to share it so that people can understand what it is really like. Not how Hollywood makes it look. I remember sitting alone at night and pregnant and only 16. I was alone, except for my parents and brother, scared to death, excited, and full of guilt for being excited. I was humiliated and embarassed and full of guilt for allowing myself to feel such, because I am strong, a leader not a follower, and I am myself and have never tried to be anything except that. I also was angry. Angry because I gave in and made a choice about something I knew very little about. Angry because I always "mothered" alot of my friends and also had done very little compared to some of them. However, my mistakes were MINE. Not my friends or my parents. I look back and I am very proud of the type parent I was to him. And to hear some of the heart felt things my baby boy, now 24 years old, says to me more than confirms it. However it was difficult. Such a young age to be worried about dating to find someone to accept he and I as an instant made family, to worry about dating different guys until I found the right one and confusing my son. Despite my careful efforts and choosing to stay with the one I was dating because in a blink of an eye a year had passed, then two, that I invested in that relationship. Despite my efforts to make his life the best I could as a single mother, I married, had a child then it ended in divorce. Despite my efforts to shield, NOW two boys, I failed myself again. Many nights of bars with my girlfriends, dating, and just loving enjoyable days with my kids, movie nights and baseball games etc, many lonely nights consumed me. I don't know why I am cursed with the burning desire to be loved, accepted for my good as well as my bad, and having a soulmate to catch me when I fall and pick me up and brush me off, someone to share my happiness and sorrows with. BUT I am cursed with such. I again married and to no avail somehow I failed again, of course not by myself, but another failed relationship and two little girls later, I was a single mother again. Full of guilt and a heavy heart. Guilty of what? Again in my life I just accept what life hands me and roll with the punches. VERY shortly later I ran into my TRUE soulmate. First thing I thought was "Denna don't rush, don't think so much either, just Let It Be. Come What May. After a few short months of dating my life changed forever. A near fatal car accident that almost cost me my life. Months of rehab and pain that I hope to never experience again, I was myself again. Well so I thought. That accident changed my life and affects it every day. On a brighter note, that wonderful guy I met and dated stood by me through my coma and rehab. Tucked me in bed. He and my mother and father and step mom took very good care of me. Later I became the luckiest woman alive and became that fella's wife :)) For the first time, whether it was me, my being more mature, or the fact I FINALLY got it right, I was happier than I could ever remember. To my suprise again I found a way to allow someone to fall out of love. I have never in my life hurt so bad. I finally understood what it meant when they call it heartbreak. That feeling of not wanting to pull out of your own driveway but Noone asking you not to go and allowing you to do so felt like a dagger. Again my kids became my strength and this time I could not find the strength to me so strong and so resilient. I crumbled. For the firs time in my life I could not say I am bruised not broken. I was completely broken. I have a reputation. One of being so strong that it is envious to others. One of coming out of everything unscathed. One of rising above it all. A Phoenix. I put that face on and tried my hardest to turn my pain into anger like I have always done. I was angry. I was hurt and mad as hell but other than through using a forked tongue and saying I was mad and not showing my hurt to just anyone, I was dead inside. I literally wanted to die. I feel so guilty to this day because for the very first time in my life I could not look at my kids or my parents and say that anyone was enough to pull me out of the dark place I was in. As if things were not bad enough, struggling with Narcolepsy with Cataplexy, Nightmares nightly, being exhausted, being a single mom of four, losing control of my house because I truly did not care anymore, I got the news. I got the diagnosis of an incurable disease. My mom lives away and I am a daddy's girl too but outside of the parental support, I was alone. Alone to figure out what was going on and what direction to take. THEN BAM my life stopped and changed forever. I had a wreck while at work and after another restless night and a night of being on call. I have not spoke much about it. But from what I am told if I want to make a difference I have to be honest. I also find that the best writing comes from true self honesty and openess. I was guilty of two missed calls previously while on call. Both close to 5am which is the time me, like most Narcoleptics, actually gets to a comfortable rest. I was told that I would be terminated if I missed another call. Therefore I slept in scrubs, shoes on, one foot on the floor. I didn't miss a call but what occured cost me much more than a job I could have replaced. If you know anything about Narcolepsy or Multiple Sclerosis you know that stress is the WORST thing ever. I also had an extremely low sodium level at the time which added to disorientation and confusion. I think I was beyond tired, drained emotionally and physically. I had already told my boss via text message, after the second write up, that I needed to seek other employment because I could not do on call and have to be at work the next day any longer. I was not accommodated and that is history. BUT I have never taken care of myself and have always put myself second, well fifth behind my children and spouse. Now alone with my kids I was STILL doing this. I found how that I need to take care of myself a little too late. I had the wreck and due to be emotionless (so the police say) the cop decided to give a little balance test. Anyone that knows me knows what a difficult task this is somedays. This particular week was really bad and now I know due to stress of heartache, over worked, stress of single mother life, stress of new diagnosis, and stress of losing my insurance right after diagnosis of one of the most expensive illnesses to treat, and stress of doing my damnest to find direction. I was wandering around aimlessly without being a wife and mom and working myself to death. I had lost my way. I went to jail for the first time in my life. At the end of the day I was ANGRY, sad, confused, and numb. I called my first person, the one I always want to tell things to FIRST. Good, Bad, and the Ugly. We both cried. To this day I have no clue WHY it happened or How. I have YET to have an explanation. My doctor has several good theories but still not an understanding of how and why I was in such a catatonic state and how a medication that had been filled once in a year and used two days prior had such a profound affect on me. I guess I will never know. Any damages done I am sure do not compare, but, I spent a year ripped down emotionally, physically, financially, and my self worth, reputation, and work reputation completely demolished. I still struggled daily and cried daily. I ended up losing my job followed closely by my house and car. I am so thankful to have saved a TINY bit for a rainy day. Needless to say it ran out very quickly. Never in my life would anyone have ever thought, especially me who has NEVER returned home since I left at 20, and never drained my parents financially or used them for baby sitters constantly, would be without anything and unable to help myself. I was broke, homeless, had no car, no job, no health, no insurnace for me and my kids, and noone to suffer with. Truly my lowest point in my life. Yet still I would trade places with the other party involved. I would. My heart breaks because of not being able to see, talk to, or help someone else. My day will come, hopefully. But after all the suffering, little did I realize my pain and anguish and worry with not only my legal issues, but my illness had just begun. For an entire year I waited daily. Everyday to hear from a lawyer, DA, Opposing lawyer, bill collector, doctor, or to recieve supoenas, court notifications etc. It was not until an entire year later I was told to come to court and give a guilty plea to be done with everything. That was one of the hardest things I have EVER done in my life was saying I was guilty of something I was not. I was but was not, not intentionally. However, I was so thankful to be done, guilty or not the end of it and not waiting daily for another moment and no threats of going to prison for being sick , I will take it. Then came weeks of enduring things ordered by the court system that should have been behind me at that point, a year ago. Now after a loss of a total of about $155,000 which includes court fees, fines, my dad's loss of bail money which was posted at $50,000, a lawyer fee of $20,000, loss of yearly income etc. There was 6 months of probation which cost monthly, color code, which cost monthly. I have it behind me but I am still haunted and troubled deeply from it all. The two main things was nothing to do with money. It was complete loss of self dignity, heart ache of anyone ever questioning my innocence, my loss of my work ethic and work reputation, my life as a hospice provider, and the embarassment my kids must have faced. The friends it cost them whose parents would not let them come over due to newspaper publicity and incrimination. Here's to you to all those "so called Christians" haha We obviously are reading two different Bibles. Now, I have no job, feel like a failure with no purpose in life, and I have gained weight and feel terribly unattractive. BUT I am happier than I have been in about three years. I have everything I need. I have my soulmate back in my life, my kids are all happy and excel. I have my parents and wonderful step parents and a good, boring and not purpose driven, but good life. I hate myself for not being able to contribute right now but my big guy loves having me at home and if that is what he wants then that's OK with me. He always says to enjoy being able to stay home and be a mom for once. It is very hard because I have been that mommy but also always made good money as an RN and made my own way. BUT we are happy and my heart is whole. I truly could not ask for more. Well one thing........I do want to help raise awareness especially about narcolepsy. I read a book that helped me more than I can explain. Julie Flygare's "Wide Awake and Dreaming" and she also published a poem i wrote about my tormenting dreams to her website. JulieFlygare.com. She emails me or comments on fb about certain things and she has no clue how inspired she makes me. In days following hearing from her I am right there about to become the Phoenix i once was :)) I emailed the Ellen show today and told her Julie is my hero. Asked her to read Julie's book and to look at her website. I included that all I was asking was for Ellen to look at my blog and to look at Julie's book and website. And I included how I would like to meet Julie in person. I hope that one day I reach someone and inspire them like she does me whether I do write a book, or it is through my poems, or possibly this blog. I do not think I will ever get a book published because the Real story about struggles of being a teen mom is not near as intriguing as drama and MTV SO, maybe I will eventually get more followers and somewhere some girl that is NOT your average girl next door, although she appears to be, will look forward to my blogs to inspire her and make her hopeful.
First of all I was a teen mom. It was not glorified then. There was no cover of a magazine or TV show. Those shows seem to make the Teenage mom look both harder and easier than it really is. I wrote Memoirs of a Single Mother over the years and hopefully one day I will publish it or get the nerve to share it so that people can understand what it is really like. Not how Hollywood makes it look. I remember sitting alone at night and pregnant and only 16. I was alone, except for my parents and brother, scared to death, excited, and full of guilt for being excited. I was humiliated and embarassed and full of guilt for allowing myself to feel such, because I am strong, a leader not a follower, and I am myself and have never tried to be anything except that. I also was angry. Angry because I gave in and made a choice about something I knew very little about. Angry because I always "mothered" alot of my friends and also had done very little compared to some of them. However, my mistakes were MINE. Not my friends or my parents. I look back and I am very proud of the type parent I was to him. And to hear some of the heart felt things my baby boy, now 24 years old, says to me more than confirms it. However it was difficult. Such a young age to be worried about dating to find someone to accept he and I as an instant made family, to worry about dating different guys until I found the right one and confusing my son. Despite my careful efforts and choosing to stay with the one I was dating because in a blink of an eye a year had passed, then two, that I invested in that relationship. Despite my efforts to make his life the best I could as a single mother, I married, had a child then it ended in divorce. Despite my efforts to shield, NOW two boys, I failed myself again. Many nights of bars with my girlfriends, dating, and just loving enjoyable days with my kids, movie nights and baseball games etc, many lonely nights consumed me. I don't know why I am cursed with the burning desire to be loved, accepted for my good as well as my bad, and having a soulmate to catch me when I fall and pick me up and brush me off, someone to share my happiness and sorrows with. BUT I am cursed with such. I again married and to no avail somehow I failed again, of course not by myself, but another failed relationship and two little girls later, I was a single mother again. Full of guilt and a heavy heart. Guilty of what? Again in my life I just accept what life hands me and roll with the punches. VERY shortly later I ran into my TRUE soulmate. First thing I thought was "Denna don't rush, don't think so much either, just Let It Be. Come What May. After a few short months of dating my life changed forever. A near fatal car accident that almost cost me my life. Months of rehab and pain that I hope to never experience again, I was myself again. Well so I thought. That accident changed my life and affects it every day. On a brighter note, that wonderful guy I met and dated stood by me through my coma and rehab. Tucked me in bed. He and my mother and father and step mom took very good care of me. Later I became the luckiest woman alive and became that fella's wife :)) For the first time, whether it was me, my being more mature, or the fact I FINALLY got it right, I was happier than I could ever remember. To my suprise again I found a way to allow someone to fall out of love. I have never in my life hurt so bad. I finally understood what it meant when they call it heartbreak. That feeling of not wanting to pull out of your own driveway but Noone asking you not to go and allowing you to do so felt like a dagger. Again my kids became my strength and this time I could not find the strength to me so strong and so resilient. I crumbled. For the firs time in my life I could not say I am bruised not broken. I was completely broken. I have a reputation. One of being so strong that it is envious to others. One of coming out of everything unscathed. One of rising above it all. A Phoenix. I put that face on and tried my hardest to turn my pain into anger like I have always done. I was angry. I was hurt and mad as hell but other than through using a forked tongue and saying I was mad and not showing my hurt to just anyone, I was dead inside. I literally wanted to die. I feel so guilty to this day because for the very first time in my life I could not look at my kids or my parents and say that anyone was enough to pull me out of the dark place I was in. As if things were not bad enough, struggling with Narcolepsy with Cataplexy, Nightmares nightly, being exhausted, being a single mom of four, losing control of my house because I truly did not care anymore, I got the news. I got the diagnosis of an incurable disease. My mom lives away and I am a daddy's girl too but outside of the parental support, I was alone. Alone to figure out what was going on and what direction to take. THEN BAM my life stopped and changed forever. I had a wreck while at work and after another restless night and a night of being on call. I have not spoke much about it. But from what I am told if I want to make a difference I have to be honest. I also find that the best writing comes from true self honesty and openess. I was guilty of two missed calls previously while on call. Both close to 5am which is the time me, like most Narcoleptics, actually gets to a comfortable rest. I was told that I would be terminated if I missed another call. Therefore I slept in scrubs, shoes on, one foot on the floor. I didn't miss a call but what occured cost me much more than a job I could have replaced. If you know anything about Narcolepsy or Multiple Sclerosis you know that stress is the WORST thing ever. I also had an extremely low sodium level at the time which added to disorientation and confusion. I think I was beyond tired, drained emotionally and physically. I had already told my boss via text message, after the second write up, that I needed to seek other employment because I could not do on call and have to be at work the next day any longer. I was not accommodated and that is history. BUT I have never taken care of myself and have always put myself second, well fifth behind my children and spouse. Now alone with my kids I was STILL doing this. I found how that I need to take care of myself a little too late. I had the wreck and due to be emotionless (so the police say) the cop decided to give a little balance test. Anyone that knows me knows what a difficult task this is somedays. This particular week was really bad and now I know due to stress of heartache, over worked, stress of single mother life, stress of new diagnosis, and stress of losing my insurance right after diagnosis of one of the most expensive illnesses to treat, and stress of doing my damnest to find direction. I was wandering around aimlessly without being a wife and mom and working myself to death. I had lost my way. I went to jail for the first time in my life. At the end of the day I was ANGRY, sad, confused, and numb. I called my first person, the one I always want to tell things to FIRST. Good, Bad, and the Ugly. We both cried. To this day I have no clue WHY it happened or How. I have YET to have an explanation. My doctor has several good theories but still not an understanding of how and why I was in such a catatonic state and how a medication that had been filled once in a year and used two days prior had such a profound affect on me. I guess I will never know. Any damages done I am sure do not compare, but, I spent a year ripped down emotionally, physically, financially, and my self worth, reputation, and work reputation completely demolished. I still struggled daily and cried daily. I ended up losing my job followed closely by my house and car. I am so thankful to have saved a TINY bit for a rainy day. Needless to say it ran out very quickly. Never in my life would anyone have ever thought, especially me who has NEVER returned home since I left at 20, and never drained my parents financially or used them for baby sitters constantly, would be without anything and unable to help myself. I was broke, homeless, had no car, no job, no health, no insurnace for me and my kids, and noone to suffer with. Truly my lowest point in my life. Yet still I would trade places with the other party involved. I would. My heart breaks because of not being able to see, talk to, or help someone else. My day will come, hopefully. But after all the suffering, little did I realize my pain and anguish and worry with not only my legal issues, but my illness had just begun. For an entire year I waited daily. Everyday to hear from a lawyer, DA, Opposing lawyer, bill collector, doctor, or to recieve supoenas, court notifications etc. It was not until an entire year later I was told to come to court and give a guilty plea to be done with everything. That was one of the hardest things I have EVER done in my life was saying I was guilty of something I was not. I was but was not, not intentionally. However, I was so thankful to be done, guilty or not the end of it and not waiting daily for another moment and no threats of going to prison for being sick , I will take it. Then came weeks of enduring things ordered by the court system that should have been behind me at that point, a year ago. Now after a loss of a total of about $155,000 which includes court fees, fines, my dad's loss of bail money which was posted at $50,000, a lawyer fee of $20,000, loss of yearly income etc. There was 6 months of probation which cost monthly, color code, which cost monthly. I have it behind me but I am still haunted and troubled deeply from it all. The two main things was nothing to do with money. It was complete loss of self dignity, heart ache of anyone ever questioning my innocence, my loss of my work ethic and work reputation, my life as a hospice provider, and the embarassment my kids must have faced. The friends it cost them whose parents would not let them come over due to newspaper publicity and incrimination. Here's to you to all those "so called Christians" haha We obviously are reading two different Bibles. Now, I have no job, feel like a failure with no purpose in life, and I have gained weight and feel terribly unattractive. BUT I am happier than I have been in about three years. I have everything I need. I have my soulmate back in my life, my kids are all happy and excel. I have my parents and wonderful step parents and a good, boring and not purpose driven, but good life. I hate myself for not being able to contribute right now but my big guy loves having me at home and if that is what he wants then that's OK with me. He always says to enjoy being able to stay home and be a mom for once. It is very hard because I have been that mommy but also always made good money as an RN and made my own way. BUT we are happy and my heart is whole. I truly could not ask for more. Well one thing........I do want to help raise awareness especially about narcolepsy. I read a book that helped me more than I can explain. Julie Flygare's "Wide Awake and Dreaming" and she also published a poem i wrote about my tormenting dreams to her website. JulieFlygare.com. She emails me or comments on fb about certain things and she has no clue how inspired she makes me. In days following hearing from her I am right there about to become the Phoenix i once was :)) I emailed the Ellen show today and told her Julie is my hero. Asked her to read Julie's book and to look at her website. I included that all I was asking was for Ellen to look at my blog and to look at Julie's book and website. And I included how I would like to meet Julie in person. I hope that one day I reach someone and inspire them like she does me whether I do write a book, or it is through my poems, or possibly this blog. I do not think I will ever get a book published because the Real story about struggles of being a teen mom is not near as intriguing as drama and MTV SO, maybe I will eventually get more followers and somewhere some girl that is NOT your average girl next door, although she appears to be, will look forward to my blogs to inspire her and make her hopeful.
Sunday, November 24, 2013
Right There In That Time
Her body was healthy, solid
As any woman could be
That was not the problem you see
It was a disease that stole her mind
Erasing her memory and stopped life
Right there in that time
She recognized only faces
of love so strong
Nothing could rob her of that love which
she had felt for so long
The look in her eyes each time I saw her face
Said "I am lost and alone and I do not know this place"
"I am feeble and weak and want to go home
But I know nothing but these people that I cannot leave alone"
The look in her eyes
when she was in fear merely from me trying to care for her
brought me to tears
But all my hurt and pain
as if her entire world was filled with rain
disappeared in an instant
when that shine in her eyes appeared
when a certain man appeared in it
Her love
Her heart
Would come in the room
and her eyes lit up
Everytime she heard that familiar sound of his voice
as he would say what had quiet a ring to it
Howdy Doody Judy
There are no words I can write to prove it
It was as though her whole face became aglow
Her heart filled with a kind of love
that most of us will never know
Her feeble body suddenly became strong as ten men
and her eyes said
That she knew the sound
so familiar in her head
It was then and I knew only then
True love existed in that place
Right there in that time
Ther world stood still to her
with his face and touch
The love that I witnessed made me miss my love
so much
When in the world where she had no recollection
of much at all
But when her family came in
That was all brought to a halt
almost as if the terrible curse was nonexistant
the love was too strong for it to consume her mind
Right there in that time
I witnessed a feeble, emaciated body
and a mind that was gone
That had been confused and scared
for so so long
But in that instant
Her love popped in the room
The confusion and fear stopped
with the mere sight and sound of her groom
It broke my heart to have to ease her into my every visit
each and every day
But my compassion turned to comfort every time
merely for the sake
That I could say his name
And peace came upon her face
And it was as if love filled the entire place
He loved her so deep and so strong
That the simple fact that she recalled
Showed me that true love and an open heart
could not be wrong
Meeting her and the chance to love her
taught me much in my own life to date
That pride and a closed heart
Is one of hate
One of lonliness and a destined fate
to never experience the fairy tale
I knew could be true
And for the lesson from a woman without knowledge of teaching me
I say
Thank you
Thankyou for showing me it was okay to reclaim love that was always mine
Right there in that time
Her mind was more erased over the months and the days
But her love and heart always stayed
She walks with angels
and her mind is now clear
The thought of her finally reclaiming all the time and memories
again brings me to tears
But tears of joy and warmth
that her thoughts are rekindled
and she smiles so kind
And she is remembering every detail
Right there in that time
I now have learned to love
like never before
And open up that once closed door
The door to my heart
Now that I am free
AGAIN I want to thank that little cutie
And as her love would say
Howdy Doody Judy
She waits there on the streets of gold
With ALL her memories far and old
But the one thing that I admired most
The memories that are so fine
was how she NEVER forgot the love
There in that time
Smile that wonderful smile
Let those eyes sparkle and dance
And now that your memories are yours again
Look forward to one day having that chance
To greet your love
at Heaven's door
And you will have enternity to share memories galore
Oh how wonderful it will be
Eternity with him in it
Right there,
In that minute
For Judy and Johnny Watson
Former hospice patient but friends
Victim of Alzhiemers
As any woman could be
That was not the problem you see
It was a disease that stole her mind
Erasing her memory and stopped life
Right there in that time
She recognized only faces
of love so strong
Nothing could rob her of that love which
she had felt for so long
The look in her eyes each time I saw her face
Said "I am lost and alone and I do not know this place"
"I am feeble and weak and want to go home
But I know nothing but these people that I cannot leave alone"
The look in her eyes
when she was in fear merely from me trying to care for her
brought me to tears
But all my hurt and pain
as if her entire world was filled with rain
disappeared in an instant
when that shine in her eyes appeared
when a certain man appeared in it
Her love
Her heart
Would come in the room
and her eyes lit up
Everytime she heard that familiar sound of his voice
as he would say what had quiet a ring to it
Howdy Doody Judy
There are no words I can write to prove it
It was as though her whole face became aglow
Her heart filled with a kind of love
that most of us will never know
Her feeble body suddenly became strong as ten men
and her eyes said
That she knew the sound
so familiar in her head
It was then and I knew only then
True love existed in that place
Right there in that time
Ther world stood still to her
with his face and touch
The love that I witnessed made me miss my love
so much
When in the world where she had no recollection
of much at all
But when her family came in
That was all brought to a halt
almost as if the terrible curse was nonexistant
the love was too strong for it to consume her mind
Right there in that time
I witnessed a feeble, emaciated body
and a mind that was gone
That had been confused and scared
for so so long
But in that instant
Her love popped in the room
The confusion and fear stopped
with the mere sight and sound of her groom
It broke my heart to have to ease her into my every visit
each and every day
But my compassion turned to comfort every time
merely for the sake
That I could say his name
And peace came upon her face
And it was as if love filled the entire place
He loved her so deep and so strong
That the simple fact that she recalled
Showed me that true love and an open heart
could not be wrong
Meeting her and the chance to love her
taught me much in my own life to date
That pride and a closed heart
Is one of hate
One of lonliness and a destined fate
to never experience the fairy tale
I knew could be true
And for the lesson from a woman without knowledge of teaching me
I say
Thank you
Thankyou for showing me it was okay to reclaim love that was always mine
Right there in that time
Her mind was more erased over the months and the days
But her love and heart always stayed
She walks with angels
and her mind is now clear
The thought of her finally reclaiming all the time and memories
again brings me to tears
But tears of joy and warmth
that her thoughts are rekindled
and she smiles so kind
And she is remembering every detail
Right there in that time
I now have learned to love
like never before
And open up that once closed door
The door to my heart
Now that I am free
AGAIN I want to thank that little cutie
And as her love would say
Howdy Doody Judy
She waits there on the streets of gold
With ALL her memories far and old
But the one thing that I admired most
The memories that are so fine
was how she NEVER forgot the love
There in that time
Smile that wonderful smile
Let those eyes sparkle and dance
And now that your memories are yours again
Look forward to one day having that chance
To greet your love
at Heaven's door
And you will have enternity to share memories galore
Oh how wonderful it will be
Eternity with him in it
Right there,
In that minute
For Judy and Johnny Watson
Former hospice patient but friends
Victim of Alzhiemers
Text Between a Mother and Son
I recieved a text message from my oldest son Justin, now 24 years old. I recieved it while sitting in my neurosurgeon's office for a seven hour visit to start my treatments for my MS. He has no clue how much this conversation meant and still means to me. He and I are very close and this simple text conversation brought the meaning of closeness to an entirely different level. I know we all love our kids relentlessly but this child and myself could write a book about Teen Mom. I was never on the cover of People Magazine or on an episode of a TV show that glorifiede teen pregnancy. That show is not reality. But me and this child were. Somehow through mulitple marriages and one marriage and two other step fathers me and this child have made reality seem easy. Although not always his love for me and mine for him has always been perfect. We have had our ups and downs like most but in the end........he is my BEST friend. NEVER once was I ashamed to be a mother. Although I had everything most teenage girls want, I never missed being Homecoming court, cheerleader, or class favorite when he came into my life. I was an excellent example of what a teen mom should have been, not what was portrayed on TV. I love this child with all my heart. He isnt fake and loves simple life, just how I wanted him to be. I really did do it right even at such a young age. I am doing this blog because we all know electronics and I am so fearful of losing this text conversation between us as I sat alone in an exam room with my wonderful father to start a journey that will be traveled for as long as I live. He has no idea how much it meant. He is more private than I because I find comfort in using life struggles to see me through and sharing them. So I want this text conversation saved for as long as I live so I chose to Blog about it and quote it verbatum. I plan on future blogs to share my "Memoirs of a REAL Teen Mom" so here is the beginning, starting not at the beginning but the present :)) Here is a conversation that brought me to tears and smiling as he sent this to me.
Justin:
Love u mom, more than anything in this in this world, you've had the biggest influence on my life and was ther for me more than anyone. I just wanted to let you know I'm so proud for what u done in life, you've made it through stuff that would kill 99% of people and still keep smiling. You've bounced back and came out of the hardest situations. I love and I am honored and proud to call u my best friend and mom.
Me:
Baby I love you more than I can ever tell u sweetheart!! You changed my life 24 years ago for the better and showed me love I never knew existed :) and that is the absolute most important thing anyone has ever said to me :))) that makes me have a whole new outlook and I am gonna kick this MS' freakin ass!!
Justin:
YES!! Just be pumped you can do it, I'm not even worried about it because you've done faced death in the face and overcame some of the most difficult things physically and emotionally. And you will run through this like faucet water, you will destroy it! Me and Blake are extremely proud of you and will back you in anyway. You've already every goal as best mom ever so don't ever feel like u haven't, bc to me and Blakey ur the best thing to ever happen to us.
Me:
Well good cause I know I haven't been perfect :)) but I sure thought the love we all have for eachother is perfect enough and what decisions I was making at the time seemed right!!
Despite anything and everything (didnt save this part but i think i said our family is full of love and strong)( I told him how much Matt loves him and Blakey and often wants to tell them he loves them but young men at their age he fears would think it was weird lol)
Justin:
Awh yeah we got a good lil family, I love everyone in it to pieces. Matt's family to and I love ole Matt he's good people. I like watching sports with him more than I've ever liked watching it before
Me:
Well good :) I love u baby doll
Justin:
Love u to
Me:
Tell me funny YouTube videos to watch lol me and dad are laughing at some and that movie trailer for Bad Grandpa haha
After this Justin sent me exactly what I needed and suggested Bill Dance's Funny out takes. Me and dad laughed until I thought I would have an episode of cataplexy, sitting outside the physician's office :-D
I was so thankful that day for this text and for my daddy being with me and for the sweet text messages from friends and from my step mom and family.
Thankful to be able to call mother who returned my call later and tell her about my 7 hour doctor visit because she shares the same illness.
Reason for writing this blog though is to cherish this moment. My son Justin and I have been one another's steady constant through divorce from a long 11 year relationship with a man who accepted him since he was less than a year old but our marriage ended. A little brother that he adores was a result of this marriage. A three year relationship with a man that was VERY good to us but I knew it wasnt forever and didnt want to put him through his mom having that experience again. Then a second marriage that ended in divorce for reasons my ex and I know but I found forgiveness as did he and the result, ex in laws that still mean the world to me and two of the most beautiful souls ever put on this earth by God himself. Also a third marriage to the kind of man I dreamed about since I was old enough to become the hopeless romantic that i am. A man never married and no children yet loved me and mine. Yes we had our issues and I was so broken when he chose to experience life without all the issues me and my kids came with. BUT regardless we found our way back to one another, I tried everything in the world to try and live without him, in my mind for his own good because I have never felt that someone I love so much deserved all the hardships that came with me. I have never felt worthy of that type of once in a lifetime love I had for him. BUT after an arrest related to my illness and loss of everything I had owned since we had our Break, suffering for over a year going through so much pain and embarassement and undeserving loss of self esteem, pride, and my one thing I had that made me special, he found the love he once had for me in his heart again :)) I resisted but finally put my pride aside and admitted I needed him, I needed him like the body needs the heart to beat, like I needed the air I breath, like ........well just like the life I had without him needed him in it. Just like from the first moment I met him. I was living, and living for my kids whome i love more than life. For the first time I wasnt typical strong Phonenix Denna, I was vulnerable, forgiving, non revengful Denna and opened my heart to a second chance without resentment and non forgiveness. Trust me when I say it has been very hard to open my heart and bring the walls down. Fear of being damaged again. Fear of losing my souldmate again, to stress, job, or life in general. But i found strength to admit that I was on a journey that the love of my parents, step parents, and kids could travel with me BUT I needed the missing link. Now that I have all the pieces to the complex puzzle I will succeed. My love and my kids and parents all help me find that inner strenght that has always seen me overcome so much BUT not to abuse it and have it over power me. To admit that yes I Dont need certain people in my life but if I choose to to have them because of love so relentless that breathing and smiling is not possible without them........then I not only choose to have them but ......... I DO NEED THEM!! I am so blessed beyond measure to have all these people in my life and to my son Justin......THANKYOU FOR BEING THE MAN YOU HAVE BECOME. THANKYOU FOR BEING SO WONDERFUL! THANKYOU FOR THE BEING MY STEADY CONSTANT WHEN EVERYONE ELSE QUIT. THANKS FOR BELIEVING IN ME!!!!
I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANY THOUGHTS I CAN EVER PUT ON PAPER OR WORDS THAT I CAN EVER SPEAK FROM MY MOUTH!!! I AM SO PROUD OF YOU WHICH YOU HAVE ALWAYS KNOWN AND I AM SO PROUD OF YOUR SIBLINGS. THANK YOU FOR ALL YOU HAVE DONE!! Even times when Mom went through heart ache and pain and I hid it and kept your life as normal as possible But i was truly falling to pieces on the inside........THANKS because I KNOW you always knew I was broken on the inside. I love you BEYOND MEASURE!!!!
Justin:
Love u mom, more than anything in this in this world, you've had the biggest influence on my life and was ther for me more than anyone. I just wanted to let you know I'm so proud for what u done in life, you've made it through stuff that would kill 99% of people and still keep smiling. You've bounced back and came out of the hardest situations. I love and I am honored and proud to call u my best friend and mom.
Me:
Baby I love you more than I can ever tell u sweetheart!! You changed my life 24 years ago for the better and showed me love I never knew existed :) and that is the absolute most important thing anyone has ever said to me :))) that makes me have a whole new outlook and I am gonna kick this MS' freakin ass!!
Justin:
YES!! Just be pumped you can do it, I'm not even worried about it because you've done faced death in the face and overcame some of the most difficult things physically and emotionally. And you will run through this like faucet water, you will destroy it! Me and Blake are extremely proud of you and will back you in anyway. You've already every goal as best mom ever so don't ever feel like u haven't, bc to me and Blakey ur the best thing to ever happen to us.
Me:
Well good cause I know I haven't been perfect :)) but I sure thought the love we all have for eachother is perfect enough and what decisions I was making at the time seemed right!!
Despite anything and everything (didnt save this part but i think i said our family is full of love and strong)( I told him how much Matt loves him and Blakey and often wants to tell them he loves them but young men at their age he fears would think it was weird lol)
Justin:
Awh yeah we got a good lil family, I love everyone in it to pieces. Matt's family to and I love ole Matt he's good people. I like watching sports with him more than I've ever liked watching it before
Me:
Well good :) I love u baby doll
Justin:
Love u to
Me:
Tell me funny YouTube videos to watch lol me and dad are laughing at some and that movie trailer for Bad Grandpa haha
After this Justin sent me exactly what I needed and suggested Bill Dance's Funny out takes. Me and dad laughed until I thought I would have an episode of cataplexy, sitting outside the physician's office :-D
I was so thankful that day for this text and for my daddy being with me and for the sweet text messages from friends and from my step mom and family.
Thankful to be able to call mother who returned my call later and tell her about my 7 hour doctor visit because she shares the same illness.
Reason for writing this blog though is to cherish this moment. My son Justin and I have been one another's steady constant through divorce from a long 11 year relationship with a man who accepted him since he was less than a year old but our marriage ended. A little brother that he adores was a result of this marriage. A three year relationship with a man that was VERY good to us but I knew it wasnt forever and didnt want to put him through his mom having that experience again. Then a second marriage that ended in divorce for reasons my ex and I know but I found forgiveness as did he and the result, ex in laws that still mean the world to me and two of the most beautiful souls ever put on this earth by God himself. Also a third marriage to the kind of man I dreamed about since I was old enough to become the hopeless romantic that i am. A man never married and no children yet loved me and mine. Yes we had our issues and I was so broken when he chose to experience life without all the issues me and my kids came with. BUT regardless we found our way back to one another, I tried everything in the world to try and live without him, in my mind for his own good because I have never felt that someone I love so much deserved all the hardships that came with me. I have never felt worthy of that type of once in a lifetime love I had for him. BUT after an arrest related to my illness and loss of everything I had owned since we had our Break, suffering for over a year going through so much pain and embarassement and undeserving loss of self esteem, pride, and my one thing I had that made me special, he found the love he once had for me in his heart again :)) I resisted but finally put my pride aside and admitted I needed him, I needed him like the body needs the heart to beat, like I needed the air I breath, like ........well just like the life I had without him needed him in it. Just like from the first moment I met him. I was living, and living for my kids whome i love more than life. For the first time I wasnt typical strong Phonenix Denna, I was vulnerable, forgiving, non revengful Denna and opened my heart to a second chance without resentment and non forgiveness. Trust me when I say it has been very hard to open my heart and bring the walls down. Fear of being damaged again. Fear of losing my souldmate again, to stress, job, or life in general. But i found strength to admit that I was on a journey that the love of my parents, step parents, and kids could travel with me BUT I needed the missing link. Now that I have all the pieces to the complex puzzle I will succeed. My love and my kids and parents all help me find that inner strenght that has always seen me overcome so much BUT not to abuse it and have it over power me. To admit that yes I Dont need certain people in my life but if I choose to to have them because of love so relentless that breathing and smiling is not possible without them........then I not only choose to have them but ......... I DO NEED THEM!! I am so blessed beyond measure to have all these people in my life and to my son Justin......THANKYOU FOR BEING THE MAN YOU HAVE BECOME. THANKYOU FOR BEING SO WONDERFUL! THANKYOU FOR THE BEING MY STEADY CONSTANT WHEN EVERYONE ELSE QUIT. THANKS FOR BELIEVING IN ME!!!!
I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANY THOUGHTS I CAN EVER PUT ON PAPER OR WORDS THAT I CAN EVER SPEAK FROM MY MOUTH!!! I AM SO PROUD OF YOU WHICH YOU HAVE ALWAYS KNOWN AND I AM SO PROUD OF YOUR SIBLINGS. THANK YOU FOR ALL YOU HAVE DONE!! Even times when Mom went through heart ache and pain and I hid it and kept your life as normal as possible But i was truly falling to pieces on the inside........THANKS because I KNOW you always knew I was broken on the inside. I love you BEYOND MEASURE!!!!
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