Tuesday, April 24, 2012


  Most of you know of my desire to write. I write for numerous reasons. To put my thoughts to rest, to express thoughts, to clear my head, and just my enjoyment of creative writing in general.  I named this Blog Spot, Not Your Average Girl Next Door for numerous reasons as well.  Because most of are nothing more to most than a number, a memory, a past, a future, or merely someone they used to know.  So the irony there is we are all just "the girl next door" yet NO ONE is simply just that......the girl next door.  Simply looking into a person's life we all appear to be so, but with a little trust, love, and understanding and also time......time to allow one to feel so trusting in you, normally one will open up and their life be more understandable.  Not everyone is like me or has my personality or my characteristic traits and allows alot of their life to be an open book, a blog spot, etc.  But ironically we share so much of the same fears, hurt, excitement, sadness, and dreams, and not to mention, obstacles we have conquered or allowed to anchor us. With that said, I have time on my hands at the present to what I love which is write.  In the future there will be stories, memoirs, and poems I plan to share. Because IRONICALLY, I am an open book but I have kept alot of writings so private and to myself.  Most of them based on true life experiences which may help another cope with their own hurdles in life.  Some are short stories or poems simply written on a dream, a hope, a chance I may have never gotten.  So while I have so much time to spare and so many thoughts running through my head I plan, once again, to pursue my stories and thoughts. My grammar is not perfect, my thoughts are not always chronological, my spelling is not one that is impeccable, but my thoughts, hopes, fears, and experiences are MINE.  There is no rhyme or reason and no method to life therefore it is my style of presentation......it is parallel to my life thus far. Today my mind is on the Irony of everything from circumstance, to love, to failure, career, lives I touch and those that touch mine. Whether it has been positive or negative.  Its MINE, besides my children, which I share with their father, these thoughts and experiences are mine. 
     From a very young age I have raised children, primarily alone, yet that has been in spurts. However, anyone male or female that have or do raise children alone know of the burden, fears, and sometimes the pain.  There have been many instances where I could not provide or did not know how to stop one of my children's pain, suffering, or heal their wounds.  But that unconditional love of a child always ironically made them think mommy always knew what to do or say.  My parenting methods may not be how someone else would do things nor always be the BEST way of doing or saying things.  With that said, I have four awesome kids.  The oldest one raised by a mother is by far one of the toughest boys I know.  Who says moms cannot raise tough boys?  He's my son and my best friend.  My next to the oldest, which is eight years younger than the first, is a challange occasionally but such an intelligent, witty, smart, and good looking kid.  He has much of his mother in him which is the part that is challanging :) My daughter is six years younger than the second child and is absolutely brilliant and a wonderful athelete.  She doesn't always participate in sports other than football but is an awesome little basketball player if I say so myself.  She is tough as nails when she has to be but super dependent on someone's attention and affection.  Again, alot like her mother.  My youngest, eighteen months younger than my sweet third child, is a truly angelic child.  Of course me or noone on earth knows her purpose here but it is a magnificant one I do know to be certain.  She has such a talent for recognizing one person in a crowd of millions that appears to "need a hug" and can bring a grown man to tears due to her ability to recognize such pain and attempt to comfort one.  She can sing but is shy to do so and very respectful especially of her parents.  Both daughters are extremely intelligent, and not just becuase they are mine, they are both very brilliant.  Again JUST like their mother :) I must give credit to those who deserve it......but Ironically this is my blog so I am very much taking all the credit for these kids being awesome.  Each in their own way. 
     Seems like just yesterday I was faced with the fact that my entire life would change, only giving my parents two short months to prepare for their lives to change as well.  A mere child myself faced with being a grown up long before I was prepared, it was a challange and I concured it.  I found my goal in life, to be a mother and experience unconditional love and give it.  God had truly blessed me.  The C-section was very worth all the emotional and physical discomfort for I had before me.  That child changed my life for sure and the events that I had planned for my future.  Even though I did not get to attend a four year university then grad school, be the director of an Occupational Therapy department in a huge hospital in a big city.  I had married my highschool sweetheart had my gorgeous child and worked fourty plus hours a week.  Life was pretty good.  I seemed to always be searching for something, always.  For some reason my best has never been good enough. The irony here?  It was good enough for everyone but myself.  We all have room for improvement.  I felt a strong urge to become a mother once again.  This child was planned out carefully and agreed upon by both parties.  This time was surely to show my spouse WHY I loved so deep when I loved.  Divorce was NOT how I wrote that story to end.  Ironically it did.  Thank goodness as self defensive as I can be and strong and stubborn, I found ways all these years to still be friends and raise that wonderful little boy together.  I would die before I would have let him suffer a circumstance that was in no way his choice.  I was very saddened but just like always, I held my head high and put a big smile on my face and carried on.  No worries other than making a living and ensuring a roof was over their heads.  During this time I had someone show me what true love may be.  It could be.   I am unsure why I am so willing to accept that but at the same time if I could see myself I am almost certain the man before saw a look that was contemplating what he was telling me was either not the truth or it was merely for the time being.  Again a few short lived years later I found myself single and lonely again and searching for love in all the wrong places.  Here the irony is "searching" you cannot search and find such a thing.  The true stuff is not forced on one but by chance, faith, it comes to those who wait.  My stubborness in obtaining what I felt I deserved in this life would become obtainable, not something I was willing to be like the weak, and just sit and wait for it.  Like sitting at a bus stop waiting for the next ride.  Well, ironically, I probably should have.  I remarried and without stating any mistakes of mine or his, it ended in divorce for very solid reasons.  I felt robbed and misguided by all the prayers I had prayed asking for a wonderful relationship and a good sound family.  In the short matrimony I once again longed to be a mother and give this man what he deserved, children of his own.  I had two beautiful girls.  Again, whatever the reasons are, the irony of it is that a woman that longs to be loved and desired so much had lost that somewhere.  Was I too busy with college, work after graduation, career mind set, being a mother that I neglected the man before me? Well if you ask me I know why I did if this was the case, but I guess that like everything else in life that felt like a mountain to climb would go unknown.  I swam against that current and carried on my wayward son.  Would there be peace when I was done?  Probably for a short time.  History repeats itself for single moms but inevitably those who STARVE for a long relationship.  I started a relationship with my soul mate.  I am NOT getting into details but I found IT, the ONE, stuck by me through a horrible tragedy that almost claimed the life I breath.  I had dreams while attempting to fade from this life I knew.  I am a strong person but it would have been so easily let go at this point in my life.  I am not going to lie.  When I "woke up" I find that I had no home, my kids were spread out, I missed my youngest baby's birthday, messed up the fourth of July plans we had made, and as I lay trying to peace my life together........Ironically I could not for the first time.  Broken from the waist down not to mention the worst, completely broken faith and hope.  Finally not even two weeks into the long recovery I knew would have to be endured, I realized I have to be a mother.  My mother was there caring for me. I knew she did not mind because I too know the unconditional love a mother has for a child.  The desire to care and nurture them no matter their age.  Not to mention the overwhelming desire to take their pain.  Ironically, my thought process was I am too old for my mother to be doing all of this and my children need me.  Put your big girl panties on Denna and MOVE.  Nonetheless, I went back to work four months later, mountain was half way conquered.  I had another surgery prior to returning to work to have my airway restored, never lost my strength.  As a matter of fact I do believe I attended a football game of my oldest child either the next day or two days later.  In my wheelchair with my new airway ha.  Get you some of that, I am one tough girl.  I worked for three months knowing that February would bring yet another major surgery on both legs at the same time and more time off work.  UGH and the wonderful wheelchair incarceration once again.  Well that obstacle got conquered quickly.  To the best of my memory I stayed in that dreaded wheelchair this time maybe a couple of days.  Mission accomplished.  I managed to do all of this with a smile on my face and persistence in my soul.  My hike had been nearly complete and I would return to work in just a couple of months after all the work comp hoopla.  YAY. NOPE I lost that job.  Seriously? I questioned God wondering WHY can someone else not take the brunt of some of this chaos?  I am strong and I know he will NOT put more on us than we can handle......for those of us that are strong.....it adds up to be a mountain that is almost impossible to climb.  BUT thanks to my all American mom and dad, that is ludicrous and not possible.  It is NOT in my vocabulary to lay down and allow life or anyone to beat me down.  I found my way.....again.  I came to realize that us tough people take alot because had these obstacles been put in the path of a very weak person the outcome could have been tragic.  To say the least I felt like life may be looking up and I had spent my time hurting emotionally and physically.  Ironically, that marriage ended.  I am sure me and my children suck the life out of this person, not really, but who am I to say that enduring such for someone who had not truly experienced any hardships was too much.  Carry on my wayward son there will peace when you are done.  Keep on smiling Wet Willie's voice sang around in my head.  In the past I had managed to truck along with a determination like no other, a smile bigger than life, and strength of Joan of Ark.  But, this broke my spirit and my determination like no other.  My mind raced and thoughts randomly ran across my everyday thought process. I QUIT, not being a mother or enduring the pain of what i loved, hospice.  But believing in this whole Love business and the fact that any love other than that between a mother and child is unconditional.  Since then I have been diagnosed with a neurological disorder and found I have multiple brain lesions.  Was this possibly a sign to rest?  Maybe?  One cannot do that if there is no one there to catch her when she falls, kiss her forehead after a horrible day, thank her for the smallest things she does, and promise to love her even though she is damaged goods.  Bruised but not broken.  Love her enough to stand by her whether she is making millions or potentially drawing disability.  Whats a girl to do?  Keep on keeping on.  When the going gets tough the tough get going.  Keep on smiling.  Aint nothing gonna breaka my stride.  And I was swimming against a strong current physically some days but truly conquering the situation, there was still an overwhelming urge to find something to believe in.  I believe in the power of prayer, I do it daily several times, God and all his goodness, the fact he knows what lies before us before we are born, and the goodness of very few people in the world.  But I still believe there is unconditional love other than just that of my children.  What woman doesn't need or want that.  What person isn't worthy of finding that someday? 
     Recently, I have come to learn that when you take your heart and conscience out of the shoebox under the bed and trust in someone and swallow your pride and allow others to help you in a time of great need, that people are good.  God is good always, but some people are good.  I have always believed that God puts people in our lives for a reason, whether it's a lifetime or a season.  At this time in my life and with, yet another major life changing event that not only affects me but my kids mainly and my entire family and circle of friends, that I am weak.  I do need people in my life.  I have a new respect for my circle of close friends and even a new respect and gratitude for some I would have never imagined would acknowledge me much less lend a helping hand.  I am very thankful for my family, of course, and a few friends that are rocks.  Also for some that haven't been able to help other than prayer and some encouraging words.  My shoebox under my bed is empty.  I always wanted the strength to do that.  I am strong, stronger than one can imagine, but I was never strong enough to have faith in a human, open up my heart and live day to day, take it in slowly and enjoy the time with those I hold dear to my heart.  Ironically, I also learned that my heart is best in that shoebox, my old way was not so bad because it kept my feelings off my sleeve and any pain away from my heart.  Again the irony here is that my heart always hurt anyway, in the long run.  It feels good to open up, the short time it lasted, to breath it in, live for the moment, take that leap of faith, and even enjoy needing someone or something to the point that I could not imagine life without it. BUT, there is a new feeling that I never known.  I must say I have spent my entire adult life searching for a new feeling, knowing there is more out there, there has got to be a new feeling besides the ones I have experienced.  Heartache, pain, suffering, guilt, worry, loneliness, abandoned, disappointed, begrudged, resentful, to name a few.  Do not mistake I have experienced gratitude, happiness, enlightenment, and proud beyond explanation.  But not as much as I have felt the others.  For all its wonder and all its truth, love exists just not always in ways we want or ways we dream or imagine it.  I know what it is now and that is all i can say.  Ironically, it, my friends, when it does not prosper is much more painful than all others combined.  I had no idea but the funny thing is.........Now I know what it is and I know when I feel it.  It's real and it does exist.  Ironic, No!!! Ironic that it was short lived yet will live forever in my heart. Absolutely.  My lesson learned here, no need to cry or focus on the hurt in our lives, but cherish what you have NOW. We live on borrowed time everyday.  Enjoy it, love it, cherish it, and pay it forward.  I think I will leave you all with that for now, my baby girls want to go for a walk............some I am going to soak up some unconditional love and moments I can never get back once they pass me by.  I am broken not bruised.  I am ironically thankful for such lessons today.  Live and learn. Laugh alot Love deep and never let your praying knees get lazy.  Material things are irrelevant, never take things for granted, never assume you can change anyone or fix anyone, don't make promises you never intend to keep or are potentially impossible to keep, and surround yourself with people that you know love you.  I shall close with one of my favorite sayings and I will stay true because of those that have taught me I am worthy of being loved, I deserve to be loved unconditionally for WHO and WHAT I am, and one day I WILL be, its a matter of time.  If you cant love me at my worst you don't deserve me at my best. 
Good night friends.
In the words of my ex #2 whom Ironically has good witty words when i need to hear them.....DDQ!!!
Denna Doesn't Quit! :-)

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