Blame it on the FAME

I met him as a child

I remember the mustache and his name

He played more of a part in my life than he could imagine

He never knew my name 

Or probably would remember my face

But he was a bigger part of my life through all ages

Mama turned on the old LP and all the troubles disappeared in the night

In that moment it was all right

I danced around like there were no worries or pain

I never knew who to blame 

Blame it on FAME

Few times i felt love and a tender touch

The radio station tuned in

I couldn’t help but grin

We danced lost in each others eyes

We shared each others heart

For a moment there was no pain

I never knew who to blame

I blame it on THE FAME

Each time I lose someone close 

I lose my hard exterior

For a moment there is no shame in shedding tears

Missing their face

Everytime I think of them 

That song plays in my head 

Everytime I hear your name and start to dance

I don’t know who to blame

I blame it on the FAME

Watching my kids grow

I have no more babies 

They grew and left my side 

But everytime I hear that song it warms my soul

Fills my heart

And oh I love this part

It brings me joy and such pain

I never knew who to blame

Oh yes I blame it in the FAME

I was so scared to give any man a chance 

To break my heart again 

But I’m so glad that I let him come over

Standing there helpless that song played I fell in love for the last time

We danced and I knew he was not playing games 

My life has never been the same 

I know who to blame

I blame it on the FAME

When feelings of blue cloud my day

I turned to the only medicine that makes me sane

I go to the jukebox

And hit play

All the worries fade away 

That’s the joy to which has a name 

The name it carries is FAME

I can’t resist you 

Even though your hazardous to my heart

Like poison to my veins

My body and soul you drain

Your kiss is toxic 

And leaves me helpless

But I come back time after time for more

Until I’m dead on the floor

I knkw your love is deadly for my heart

But I allow you to continue to tear it apart

Breaking me down 

Helpless I lay in your arms 

Heart breaking head spinning 

But I can’t help myself at all 

There's a void in my heart 

A space in my soul

There's a place I've never known 

No place to call my own 

I've had it all

And I've had nothing

No food and no shelter 

But that's not what noones shown

It's love I've never known

I've known one night stands

I've known drunk skin on skin

I've known dining and the wine

But never had love that was mine 

I want that in my life

I want to be more than his one night

I want a man to love me right

I want a love to call my own

I had men to call my phone 

Want my love and my kiss

But there is still something missing 

They come around and buy me things

Fall for me and buy me rings

I even said yes a time or two 

But what's missing for me is you

She Had to Go

There was nothing left for her here

When she's gone don't shed a tear

No crying 

No pain

Just rejoice that never again

Will she hurt

Don't hate her because she had to go

Just in your heart know 

It was not you

It was not what you didn't do

It's not what you didn't say

That caused her not to stay

The demons that haunt her

The pain In her heart

Was more than you could ever repair

This world was more than she could bare

The past ripped her open like a knife 

That's why she left this life

Rest easy now and know

Love is something she had never known

Something she never learned to show 

Life made her hard and strong 

And that's why she chose to screw things up and be alone

She couldn't ever love you 

Or anyone else

Because she never learned to love herself 

2 Steps Forward and 10 Steps Back

     I have often blogged about the daily struggles of Narcolepsy with 
Cataplexy (NWC) and Multiple Sclerosis (MS).  I am a strong individual and often make the comment that MS does not quit so I opted to quit MS.  The truth of the matter is neither of these incurable illnesses quit and there truly is not an option to "quit" them.  I often say if I had a choice I would choose to completely rid myself of the toxic neurological disease of Narcolepsy.  However, as of lately, I am unsure I still feel the same way.  MS is definitely like my fellow MSers refer to as the MonSter.  It literally has taken what I have built up of my life since 2012 and completely torn it down in a matter of 3 days.  Once again it rears it's nasty little head as if just to make sure I remember that it is the more powerful between the two of us.
     First, just a peek into my life.  Somedays I get up and stretch, other than a severe muscle cramp in my calves and the arches of my feet, occasionally in my quads or thighs, sometimes in my triceps.......it seems as thought my body is completely going to cooperate today.  As I get off the bed and step.....OUCH, pins and needles that I have to just endure and walk on to the bathroom or stand still for a brief moment until it passes.  Sometimes it passes quickly and other times I have to endure it and walk on before I piss myself.  I am sure I look pretty silly stepping to the bathroom as though I am stepping over hot coals when there is nothing there.  But its a fact that I cannot control my gait any better than some of my patients that come in our office that have just started to walk.  Then as I get to the toilet just before having an accident on myself.....i feel as though I cannot pee, then it starts and then I cannot stop it and it goes on and on......as though I want to sit on the toilet until my legs fall asleep, again complicating my morning.  Now it is coffee time.  Jon usually fixes my coffee but he works long hours and most days he is gone long before I get up.  So I am off to make my own coffee.  Carrying it to the bathroom to get ready for work is a skill I have mastered after many spills and self inflicted burns.  As I manage to get to the bathroom in one piece I start the shower.  Most times I forget to turn on the hot or cold water and stepping into a scalding hot shower or ice cold pretty much feels the same at first until my body recognizes the difference, after I have either burned or frozen myself.  I cuss, laugh, then want to cry but go on......I wash my hair, which by the time I rinse my shampoo out my arms are so tired and I am so short of breath I want to stop but I have to finish.  I finish rinsing my hair then wash my body and by the time I rinse, Shaving is no longer an option.  My arms and hands have had enough and I am exhausted. Sounds sill doesn't it?? Well I feel silly and weak writing this but also find such comfort in admitting the defeat I feel daily.  So after drying off its time to recooperate and recharge my batteries so I can put makeup on and fix my hair.  Somedays only one of these are possible.  It has been several weeks since I fixed my hair and worn makeup on the same day.  After living with the 2 demons daily I have learned that I have to let some things go and choose wisely so I am not low on "spoon" count before my day even starts.  Now I can get dressed and after trying to rack my brain to remember which day it is and what color scrubs to wear......I choose.  (I normally prevent this flustering moment by putting my daily work scrubs in order from M-T with the correct color on each day.  After tripping a couple of times and a few blurted dirty words I manage to get ready to go.  I manage to tie my shoes or have someone else to do it some days :( Then off to take the girls to school.  Some days the oldest drives to preserve a little more energy and focus.  Somedays I take a wrong turn or go the way I went to my old job but quickly straighten out and head to work.  Keep in mind I am exhausted before I walk in.  When I walk in the door I am proud to be able to work but also dreading trying to not only work, which is tiring, but keep all my glitches on the DL.  I smile and laugh alot to hide my pain or embarassment, talk alot to stay alert and focused, and move alot to prevent pain and numbness.  I am exhausted already and want to rest so bad It brings me to tears.  Then I remember I am the one who woke up from a coma and went to work four short months later.  I dig in and remember that I am fortunate to have my job and have the privilege to make a difference in so many lives daily.  So I suck it up and get busy.  Some days I am on target and work circles around myself.  Other days no matter how hard I try.......I cannot keep up or get things going in a smooth manner.  Everything I touch turns shitty.  Then I have to have a bathroom break and revamp, remember that it is not okay to give up or to cry.  Then I get back at it.
     This has not been the case this week.  I lost it this week.  I have worked and pushed myself to the point of exhaustion before and dearly paid.  Once nearly losing my life, once nearly costing someone theirs and nearly losing my RN license.  So after having two days of cataplexy attacks, which should not be happening and frustrates me to no end, and drifting during traffic stopping, i made a choice to stay home after lunch.  I cant risk anything happening because my brain and body made a choice to completely shut down and quit on me :(  It frustrates me so much because I have never quit on my body not once but it wants to quit on my almost daily.  So I have no enjoyment, I hate summer and can barely leave my house due to heat intolerence, but now this stupid illness is trying to rob me of my work ethic also.  There have been several days I have done the ultimate NO NO in by book.  I broke down and cried at work.  It just breaks my heart that I am no longer able to push my body to keep going.  You know the saying The Mind says Go when the body says NO.  This is not the case for me lately.  When my body or mind says no that is it......that is the final answer, NO.  
     Needless to say, I have lived with one disease most of my life, the other, probably longer than I have had a diagnosis.  I have learned to live with them and know what to do to over come obstacles related to memory and physical impairment.  However, I have learned this week to listen to my body and when it says to take a break, I need to listen and abide.  Because my body will not give me any other choice eventually.  It discourages me so much.  So much that sometimes I can do nothing but cry, which helps nothing.  I fought so hard to get back where I am with full time employment, fighting illness one day at a time, and my licenses in good standing where they should have always been.......2 steps forward, now my disease once again, set me 10 steps back.  The state deems me able to work and not draw disability but where is a job who allows the rest periods and days off when my illness waxes and wanes.  No one running a business can abide to such.  So like I said I have went 2 steps forward and 10 steps back.  Now to punt again and get back in the game.  As soon as this body allows me to walk vertical and push on. Maybe tomorrow I will get ahead 3 or 4 steps before being pushed back to the point of starting again.  
    Usually I have a more positive outlook but today I am thinking how fortunate I am to have not one but two rare diseases.....however at least after a year of misdiagnosis of Lupus at least I have peace Knowing what my diagnosis is but that is just the beginning.  
    Enjoy the video......Rob Thomas wrote this for his wife who suffers from autoimmune disease......the video is very close to how it feels to suffer from MS.

  .

What I Learned From a Child

Not long ago I had the pleasure of meeting a little boy at the young age of 6.  Upon meeting him I knew I loved his father with everything in me and I'd hoped I could teach him things that I have taught my own four children.  Things about having fun, living outside the box, and just things about life, lord knows I have lived through obstacles and have steered my own kids away from my experience of finding things out the hard way. Little did I know he would teach me things.  This little boy has a condition known as Autism.  While spending time with this little boy I noticed he was beyond intelligent and lived in his own little world. A world I was somewhat intrigued by and curious about and jealous and envious of at the same time. While spending time with this young Boy and paying attention in great depth I acquired knowledge I feel no one else could have taught me.  This child taught me something entirely cliche.....dance like no one is watching.  I find myself dancing around and laughing in public, regardless of where we are, which is totally refreshing!  He taught me to view the smallest things as a blessing and as exciting.  Things most take for granted he becomes ecstatic about doing them.  He taught me to show enthusiasm while going through life with those I love most.  This would show them how much I cherish every second with them and that the smallest of things are priceless while by their side.  Something that makes me feel absolutely wonderful is how everytime I walk through the door whether it be hours, minutes, or seconds later he makes me feel like he is so glad to see me and to hug me.  Imagine if we treated everyone we love this way. Imagine how we all would know our worth.  I'm so thankful to have met this child. To now be able to start training myself to brush off the small things and move right along. Go ahead and March to the beat of my own drum regardless who else can hear it. To smile and have fun no matter how little the activity or without even leaving home. Embrace the love of those I hold dear and show them always how excited I am to have them in my life everyday. I truly believe that God has used this condition to teach us to not be selfish and to give, laugh, love, and enjoy life. For we only have one. I'm so thankful for his dad, whom I love with all my heart and soul. But not only for his dad but thankful for his beautiful mother as well. For all she does and all she has instilled in his beautiful soul as well. Thankyou both of you for allowing me to have the pleasure of being a part of his life. I am learning everyday from him and hope I can teach him things along the way. Thankyou 

For Jon

The colors fade to black and white

I prefer alone 

peace and quiet

Unsure of what became of my smile

for i haven't seen it in quiet awhile 

i love unconditional and deep 

not the quitting kind

but never have i been loved the same

to my heart a man has not been kind

as i hit my knees with tears filling my hazel eyes

i prayed please send me a man who tries

to make me never lose my smile

one who appreciates that i go the extra mile

i don't need money or material possessions 

just someone who makes loving me his obsession

one who stands in front but only to guide me

to protect me

not to lead me nor berate me

i cried and prayed for the man of my dreams to come true

dear lord to love me as i need him to

i was weak and broken and i hear the lord say

get up my child he will come one day

please be patient for your kind heart will see 

it will be paid back for how you have loved me

i found my strength again and dusted off my knees and looked up as i dried my tears and say thankyou for your ear

i know he exists i've always known he is near 

and one day will come and i will cry no more tears 

just as the promise was told 

i sent a message to a friend of old

we chatted and never thought much

of befriending one another again 

reunited as the friends we once were 

and talked of all we had suffered and endured 

then he insisted we go for a drive 

that i should get out for a short time

we rode for miles and talked the whole way

there was not a moment we didn't smile or laugh that day

as we walked that evening by the water 

i couldn't help but wonder

what was the feeling i had felt

wanting him to just take my hand

why would i think that

why would it cross my mind

with things i had been through time after time

denna what a silly stupid girl you are to want to go through the heart being scarred 

again?

 silly girl are you sure 

to have a man once again treat you as though your

nothing and don't matter to leave you alone 

bruised and broken doesn't refer only to bones

remember the pain you have been through and don't be the stupid romantic you are

hush the voice of reason in my mind 

i prayed for him and i am unsure how i know this time but he's the one i been waiting for my whole life 

the one who needs me as much as i need him this time it's right 

i played all the possible taboo through my head and the answer i got was said

he is not the same and i know this to be true that he don't lie and is a gentle soul and would not put his hands on you 

i fought the urge to hold his hand or look in his eyes and it happened anyway to my surprise

our hands met together at the same time and when i glanced over at him his eyes met mine

i shivered and my heart beat fast 

and my tummy quivered 

as we walked holding hands that day by the river 

today my life is perfect never mistake 

when the lord says he will send your heart to you he will not forsake

i'm finally whole and all the love songs make sense 

now that i have him in my life my heart has been rinsed

of all the battered bruises and voids left open like a door 

with one touch i knew this was the love that i had prayed for 

he is gentle and kind but strong like a soldier

loving me kind, fighting for my love

he makes me smile and nourishes my soul and everyday my love for him grows

bigger and better and will be bigger than life

one day i will be honored to be his wife 

i said never again but today i must say

i will wear his name with honor until the day 

i am laid to rest and leave this world

i just hope i love him enough and he feels adored 

to know what he has done and the new life he breathed within me 

the heart he rebuilt and how he made me love living again

how he took my broken soul and restored my faith in men

he loves me like no other has ever in my time

i promised him i may not love him the rest of his life 

but i will love him the rest of mine

Like I Did Today

I've never felt heartache 

Like I felt today
While looking at my little girls as they were told
Their daddy had gone away
Not for the moment 

       But gone to stay
       Gone to heaven to work the big lights
        In the sky
      To be the scenic designer for the
        Lord forever by and by

I've never felt heartache
Like I felt today
Looking at my daddy
As his mother slipped away
I wanted to take the pain
From him and consume it for my own
But I could do nothing more for him

        Other than stay strong

Ive never felt heartache
Like I did today
When looking at my brothers face
As he laid his baby girl
In her final resting place
My heart was heavy but there was nothing I could do or say
Nothing to take his  pain away........

I've never felt heartache like I did today
As my mothers face was stoic and sad
As she laid to rest, her best friend, her dad
I could tell although I was only a mere 8 years old
My mother I once knew
Was now gone
A piece of her died along with grandpa too
I always tried to remind her, in some ways
I am here for you
But too young to be much comfort
Or help ease her pain
My heart broke for her again and again

I've never felt heartache
Like I did today
When he told me
He didn't feel the same
My best friend , love of my life
No longer wanted me
As his wife
I thought this too shall pass as all my troubles had
Just like the last
But the hurt was a feeling I've never felt before
As I turned to walk out  the door
He did not follow me
Or ask me to stay
I suffered my first broken heart that day

I've never felt heartache
Like I felt today
When I looked at my doctor as he told me of my fate
I have to stay strong
Just as I always have
Be strong
To help my mother along
But ironically my plan suddenly changed
As I was told that she and I suffer from the same
I am a Phoenix, a Titan they say
But I felt helpless and defeated on that day
He does not give us more than we can take
But lord I cannot take anymore weight
I want some of  my burden to be lifted from my being
No more tradgedy I am pleading
I know I am strong
But I'm growing tired and weary
And the burdens become a struggle upon my shoulders
I used to move mountains
Now only boulders


Denna Dionne

Today

                                   Today

Today is your day you enter the real world not as a boy but as a man.
But like I've always told you time and time again
No matter how old you get you're always mommy's little man.
So as usual I have plenty to say and advice to give, 
If I may.
Always look ahead to the goals you desire to dream
Set them realistically so they are possible to achieve.
This keeps you striving because you avoid letting yourself down,
Because that's who you have to lean on
When no one else is around.
After reaching one you set to achieve another,
Always remember these wise words from your mother.
When your goals are reached the adventure has just about to begin,
And during your travels you will rise and fall again and again.
Some days are tough and some hardest of all,
But today I want you to know I will catch you when you fall.
When the world can be cruel and mean just know that it happens to all us and deal with it clever and keen.
Our outlook and poise during the times we get knocked down,
Determine how we continue,
Just tune out all the noise
Today I give you a gift to last your whole life through
Don't let people interrupt your path to yourself stay true.
Be kind to everyone no matter their worth or looks because
Some of the most valuable people you will meet don't fit in or go by the books.
Treasure your family because you're true shelter they are
They are always here for you no matter where you go or how far.
Today I remind you of what I hoped you learned from words I spoke that didn't mean anything then 
But when circumstance pushes you will hear them time and time again.
Smile at strangers and be kind to the poor
Don't break anyone's heart intentionally because broken wings make it impossible to soar.
Take my lessons and remember them don't make mistakes as mine
But know any choices I made seemed right at the time
Be loyal to your friends and family for some don't have any
But also just ignore and don't waste time on you're enemies.
Treat women like a lady never treat one mean or unkind
Don't break people's trust because it's hard to get back for quiet sometime.
Enjoy life because we only have one
This also means be smart and think before you act my son
Today you start a whole New chapter in life
Its full of surprise, success, and strife 
God blessed you with more than you know at this time
And he blessed me with you sweet child of mine.
So Today put on that crooked littke grin that will probably get you out of as much trouble
As it gets you in.
Today I watch my baby walk across that stage
And start life starting a new page.
I hope I loved you enough for you to make your way
 as I let go of My baby and welcome my young man today
Today I won't cry because although you've grown-up 
You will hopefully never grow apart because today I want you to know 
That you are a quarter of my heart.
It isn't whole without you in it
So today you start life
Be in it to win it.
Happy Graduation
I love you Blake 
Mom

From the Coach's Wife's Desk

 I sit here thinking, contemplating on even publishing my excerpt during the season where we have such victory yet defeat.  Defeat in fans, parents, fair weather friends, and even issues at home when the HOME team needs the coach and the "HOME" TEAM needs the coach as well.  I'm often asked to cross my Ts and dot my Is check myself and remember where I am from before I speak. My head coach prefers for me let things roll and take it with a grain of salt, ignore it, and leave my witty sarcasm out of my discussion.  Then I remember that so many times as a single mom and dad, a hospice nurse, a patient who awoke from a coma scared, a rehab patient who became friends with her therapists, a person with so much physical and emotional pain, a person burdened with Narcolepsy and Cataplexy and multiple sclerosis, and a person that  has been on every socio-economic level from making fine as a single woman, to losing weight working 2-3 jobs to feed my kids, to the person everyone Sat with just because of who I was at the time, back to homeless and hungry due to working myself to death as a single mother and not having the choice to stop or to rest.  After remembering all of that and realizing this is why give had the same friends a lifetime, why I was the trauma and ortho docs favorite yet most sarcastic patient, why my mom who lives far away and my step dad are bored when I return home after a visit, why friends know I will be truthful, and always admit what I said.  Also why people know there aren't skeletons in my personal closet because I am not ashamed and pull them out myself so you have nothing to say.  It takes the fun out of talking about people when they have already spilled the beans lol.  Then I read  the name on my blog. I realize I can say whatever I want. In my blog I am the head coach this is MY HOME COURT, Like real life my players are my readers :) some are on board with my game some aren't. And just like readers have the choice to read another blog, players have a choice to play for another team, simple. I have no pity for ones that say impossible. I attended a high school which I adored and wanted My kids to attend the same. My oldest was an outstanding basketball player and did not make the team at my large and prestigious alma mater. As a parent, I don't assume my child should make teams, make all-star, and definitely start on a team.  Once my son was used for one purpose and it was not that I knew he was capable of so much more but HE KNEW...he was repeatedly brought off the bench to shoot his mean 3 and put the team back ahead. What a chore for a mere sophomore who adored playing B team because all He wanted to do was play but he did it. No qurstions, no whining to me for he knew my reply.  I moved him from my alma mater across to another town were this is exactly what the coach did with him. My child was a minority at that HS but like I always told him....there is no place to belly ache you wanna compete? Dig in and earn that spot put in extra time at the gym....mission accomplished, however the situation remained the same.  Some would have pulled the race card or put it all over MySpace lol.  Going to play for the blue map, after my child always being called in to dig the team out of the hole, didn't get in hardly at all if at all. With the student section screaming "put Barnes in!"
I assured my son he helped them get there,chin up. It wasn't til after this team got kicked out of basketball camp twice for fighting or stealing that my son chose not to play with these type people any longer.  He said he was not playing and verbalized that this school in his credentials may hinder him from attending the very college they were stirring up a ruckus.  I knew his love of the game so I switched schools once more to a small county school on a mountain top that didn't stand a chance.....of course my kid was the star and took them to victory many Times. However the other side of that is another son awesome at football but loved basketball also and looked up to his brother. Now this brings me to my entire reason for this blog.
     I have an issue with my coach being accused of playing children lucky enough to be born to certain parents, living a certain lifestyle, or being wealthy. Because first of all, my entire household believes a kid has nothing, their parents may, the child however doesn't have one red cent. Money does not win ballgames. Of course except in the NBA when you practically "buy" the best players :D okay now that we are clear on that let me sarcastically paint another picture for those who don't understand ..... I was taught better by my all American mom and dad who taught me to work and work harder, no handouts and nothing worth having is free.....I hate not everyone is taught this growing up. I'm sorry for that, really.  What wins games in high school is just the simple remedy of talent + hard work + strategy + some God given natural talent + knowing your opponent + desire to win, and like him or not,  just some Damn good coaching. They don't teach the real coaching tactics in college. Its experience, having been there. It is a "calling." I can rest easy knowing that when my coach stands before God he will have plenty to discuss after fulfilling his purpose :) Not once has he questioned it or tried to rebuke his calling. I will never forget the anger and hurt I have felt in the past with my coach being accused of being biased, prejudice, or favoring anyone, and the best....and most humorous ......trying to please certain parents.  Lets revert back to my football player that LOVES basketball. HE just happen to be the age where my coach was the head coach and was holding tryouts.  So proud of my coaching tactics and skills.....wait I mean parenting skills.My son said how nice and easy if I were automatically on the team because of " who I am but I know I got to hustle and I also know I'm not quiet the player as some of my peers," how mature.  Well my coach aka husband cut this child, my child, how dare he, how could this be?? Know why cause He needs to WIN. WINNING KEEPS HIM EMPLOYED AND FOOD IN MY FAMILY'S MOUTH, A ROOF OVER OUR HEADS, THE POSSIBILITY OF MY DAUGHTERS GRADUATING FROM A SCHOOL THEY ADORE, and remaining happy for the first time since losing their biological father a little over a year ago.  It means I continue medical treatments for my illness.   This coach is coaching more than just a game on the court.  I am sick at times and need a coach myself, but mine is coaching elsewhere.  Many days of collapsing, spasms, pain.....I want MY coach here coaching to keep me at the level I am and not worse.  He's coaching his life passion but yet coaching my girls way of hopefully remaining in one place. When they cry about a father gone and need the one here known as daddy also, he is busy with others' children.  So I get horrifically offended by the selfish, childish, comments made before realizing that court and that gym is only a small fraction of my coach's life.
     I wish I had a dollar for every hurt feeling, sad and happy one, every regret he has because the game got so intense that his intentions are lost, and for every tear I've seen him shed for what a player may be going through that he shares with his coach, my coach. I would be wealthy, wealthier than I am in witnessing it first hand.
     Last, when my coach is slandered, verbally or on social media, I have to wonder, what are you teaching your kids? Its ok to gossip, point fingers, or even cyber bully? I can tell you it is the exact message that is being sent.  I fail miserably at messages I send my kids time and time again. Because although I come from a family and a school that exemplifies class I am still me. I have a short fuse and the desire to defend my family with the fight of a tiger. As a young mother 25 years ago I had been known to take it outside or ask one to take a seat or I would gladly show you to your seat.  But not until the verbal attack on my kids became physical or intimidating or vulgar to my cubs.   Like TNT.... I had a very hard time teaching my kids that education, class, knowledge is triumphant over temper when mine is so short,  no tolerance for BS, immaturity,drama, bullying, stupidity, etc.....but I met a coach.  He taught me that extra part of class I was lacking. That part where it's ok to be bossy, sarcastic, witty, and stand up for myself and my kids, my family and friends, and what I believe in.  He taught me that even though a majority of my views are legit and right on.....not all of them are and it is ok to think other people's views are just as legit in their homes
     In closing, before you hide behind social media or a church door or a cell phone, camera, whatever your poison, know that my baby girls hear things and their feelings have been hurt and for that reason it became my business! But without the sarcasm or the things I would like to say I will close in a thank you. Thanks coach for teaching me things later in life, things my poor parents never could enforce because I was then an adult out on my own and allowed so many obstacles and triumph to make me hard. Thanks for instilling the piece of class I lacked, of walking away at times as opposed to wasting my breath that falls onto deaf ears.  Thanks for constantly butting your head against a brick wall called stubbornness when trying to have your sweet compassion rub off on me and for teaching Me sweet revenge and being a mastermind revenge queen wasn't sweet after all.  Off the record thanks for staying with me through my wreck,coma, and long rehab when we thought I may not walk.......thanks for asking for my hand, love you BIG.  YOU didn't have to saying as you came into our lives only four months prior to that day. Thanks for coaching and loving us through.  Most of all thanks for loving me the assistant coach, even though here is my court, my team, my way.......
     And as for the lovers and the haters. Team is team and every player matters. My coach finally instilled this in my boys who always said who cares if we win a ring if I never play......
I knew this when my youngest boy, the one who didn't make my coach's team, in good spirits says...during and intense time playing football for MSHS says " our WINNING football dynasty is only as good as the scout team!!!" haha love it. And such truth  from such a young man.  With that said I think an awesome bunch of kids are learning what winning feels like!

Who We Are

This is part 1 of blog sessions I am calling 

Crossover:  The Coach's Wife's Guide for   The Coach On and Off the Court :D 

Who is the coach's wife? Let me start by saying we are people and spectators of the sport, a human, a mother, a daughter, a wife, we just happen to be married to the coach. We work in a different field than out coach yet raise our children alone a majority of the time and still keep the house in order and support our favorite coach. 

     What do we want? I can only speak for some of the wives I've met throughout my being drafted by our coaching hubbies but I am not shy to speak up. 

First of all, what we want from the general public is easy, simple treat people how you want to be treated Golden Rule.      Please don't judge me on my appearance or the fact I try overly hard to get to know you or make sure everyone knows I'm the new coach's wife. Also on the other side and as for myself, please don't judge me because I seem snotty or unapproachable just because I keep to myself and am not overly involved.  Some people are more comfy in the spotlight and are so utterly proud of her coaching spouse they seem to be all over the place and everyone's bestie.  The rest of us are perfectly content just introducing ourselves as ourselves not the coach's wife.  We lose our own identity through the process of being teamed up with a coach so never expect me to say I am the coach's wife until after I've used my name :)  because not only am I Justin,Blake, Baylee, and Gabby's mom, I am Debbie's daughter and Billy's youngest, Mike's sister, and so and so' sold hospice nurse, I am also known as ......yep "the coach's wife." 

     We want respect not to bash the man we love within hearing distance. We love our loud coach just as you love your banker, accountant, preacher, iron worker, doctor, lawyer, etc etc.  How would you react to one of us bashing your spouse and talking about his piss poor job when there is no way I can do his job?  Correct it would not be pleasant.....so I ask for understanding and forgiveness when I react the same way! Also we ask get know us for us. Don't eat me up to my face because I am the coach's wife, I have no pull with my coach if your son is picked for his team or gets cut.....NONE!  He cut our own child the second day of tryouts so that's no necessary.  Do not dislike us because you dislike our coach. We are not the coach and have no control over his temper when he feels his team could give more or when he feels the referee is cheating his team.  Do not judge me on his performance and avoid me during losing streaks or when your child doesn't play as much as you think they should.  And don't act as though I'm a personal best friend during winning seasons and when your child is the star player.  That will only start rumors about us both from the prior one because our friendship is why your child starts.  No again my own child my own flesh and blood got cut!  I have no say in who is on the coach's team! 

     And last for now, do NOT for one moment think that when the game is over and everyone goes home that I get my love back.......because I don't! He replays the game over and over until he is ready for bed.  During the off season he works behind the scenes trying to make the program better to inspire young athletes to give 100%.  Don't get angry when he scolds a child because he scolds mine twice as bad and it's for the same reasons not doing your part or doing your best or simply not doing what your told!! And please don't expect wins all the time and judge his ability on the record! He is teaching your child more than just ball, he or she may not know it yet but later will realize what he learned from my coaching hubby.  Never doubt my coach's feelings for his players for your kids are the topic of conversations at my house or over dinner when we have our own kids.  Your child's needs and interest get met often before our own.  Not because it's his job....know that it's his job because it's his calling, his passion, his Love for the game! 

XXOO

Hard Pill to Swallow

     Often in life we deal with things that are "hard to swallow."  Rejection, death of loved ones, broken heart, humiliation, and sometimes, the truth.  Lord knows I've had my days of hard to swallow but seems as though the absolute worst of times can be the best of times. I don't know if this is a mind game or trickery I have mastered to soothe my soul during constant obstacles or if I really do have a knack for being thankful for the good in my life.
     For starters I struggle with the obstacles of MS and Narcolepsy with cataplexy daily. No one or anyone EXCEPT someone with both can fathom the daily hurdles.  The struggle of simply getting a shower which somedays is more tiring than the actually not having a shower, hard pill to swallow. Being so fatigued that I prefer to not speak to or see anyone from the outside world, arms giving out before I can dry my hair, not to mention getting so overheated that I no longer feel like doing anything else before having a nap, very hard pill to swallow.  Not being able to remember or recall things that happened or forgetting important dates yep I get choked on that also. Numbness or pain to the point I'd just soon stay in bed all day to avoid a fall, injury, or embarrassment, yes big pill to swallow.  Fatigue that's more than being tired and even a 24 hour shift as a nurse plus being up for 24 more doesn't touch it. Again hard to swallow when I used to be someone that everyone thought NEVER ran out of energy, worked two sometimes three jobs.  People assuming your lazy or depressed because of something other than trying to make the best of a life drastically changed? Yeah you guessed it.
     One of the two hardest things is trying to explain it to people or trying not to get pissed over the advice they give when they are not even educated to the disease. I find everyday the less I like the general population and the more I like those like me. Those with autoimmune illnesses where their body is constantly trying to attack itself.  No two people are effected alike. Not everyone falls asleep in their soup and with MS not everyone is in a wheelchair. So all the advice, judgement, and misunderstandings are a very hard pill to swallow.
     In closing the hardest of all for me is the day of my accident and the arrests and DUI and mostly the media spotlight and all the cruel comments about me and wishing bad things on my innocent family who had nothing to do with it.  It was so hard to have not one person other than my family and friends and those that knew me to even try to defend my character.  Anyone that knows me knows my pride was my reputation and my God given talent of being such a skilled hospice nurse.  My heart hurts every single day for a man don't even know. I wish him nothing but the best and for whatever would make his life easier.  Not one time did I pray for myself through any of this nor try to excuse anything. I was physically and emotionally exhausted and like other times due to what I know now was cognitive impairment, took the wrong medicine at the wrong time. I was oblivious to what I had done. I was living in a nightmares of my own and continue physically and mentally daily to do so.  Not karma because the good lord knows me, what's in my heart, and that things were totally health related and not intentional. But the people of the world avoid ambien it is truly a hard pill to swallow and should be banned, in my opinion.
     In closing, to those who wish harm, passed judgement with no knowledge of circumstance, to the people who never give others a chance, cannot forgive, cannot ask forgiveness because crow is also hard to swallow, those who gossip, and to the ones who claim to have never known me or aren't truthful about any relationship with me, claim to be Christian yet lie and judge? Be prepared because karma is the hardest pill of all to swallow. So save room for it. Treat people how you want to be treated because you can have your life as you know it jerked out from under you too. My life has changed drastically because of two invisible illnesses and I "look fine" I know this and please never say it to me again for your pills will be hard to swallow with your jaws wired shut ;)

This Is My Life

.     I have sat up alone until 2-3:00am several days this week.  In the hours I have sat and played games on my cell phone or researched the best alternative methods for relieving symptoms of each of my illnesses, I have also thought about my life and questioned myself.  What have you done with your life?  Did it matter to anyone and have you made a difference?  Has it been enough? I have never felt like no matter how many jobs I have held down at once, how many kids I have reared, nor how awesome they all are, I have always felt the need to do more or accomplish more. Now that I have let MS and Narcolepsy get the best of me lately and I no longer get to do hospice for a living, I sit and ponder on my life.  From the start of struggle to now.
     First of all I was a teen mom.  It was not glorified then.  There was no cover of a magazine or TV show.  Those shows seem to make the Teenage mom look both harder and easier than it really is.  I wrote Memoirs of a Single Mother over the years and hopefully one day I will publish it or get the nerve to share it so that people can understand what it is really like.  Not how Hollywood makes it look.  I remember sitting alone at night and pregnant and only 16.  I was alone, except for my parents and brother, scared to death, excited, and full of guilt for being excited.  I was humiliated and embarassed and full of guilt for allowing myself to feel such, because I am strong, a leader not a follower, and I am myself and have never tried to be anything except that.  I also was angry.  Angry because I gave in and made a choice about something I knew very little about.  Angry because I always "mothered" alot of my friends and also had done very little compared to some of them.  However, my mistakes were MINE.  Not my friends or my parents.  I look back and I am very proud of the type parent I was to him.  And to hear some of the heart felt things my baby boy, now 24 years old, says to me more than confirms it.  However it was difficult.  Such a young age to be worried about dating to find someone to accept he and I as an instant made family, to worry about dating different guys until I found the right one and confusing my son.  Despite my careful efforts and choosing to stay with the one I was dating because in a blink of an eye a year had passed, then two, that I invested in that relationship.  Despite my efforts to make his life the best I could as a single mother, I married, had a child then it ended in divorce.  Despite my efforts to shield, NOW two boys, I failed myself again.  Many nights of bars with my girlfriends, dating, and just loving enjoyable days with my kids, movie nights and baseball games etc, many lonely nights consumed me.  I don't know why I am cursed with the burning desire to be loved, accepted for my good as well as my bad, and having a soulmate to catch me when I fall and pick me up and brush me off, someone to share my happiness and sorrows with.  BUT I am cursed with such.  I again married and to no avail somehow I failed again, of course not by myself, but another failed relationship and two little girls later, I was a single mother again.  Full of guilt and a heavy heart.  Guilty of what?  Again in my life I just accept what life hands me and roll with the punches.  VERY shortly later I ran into my TRUE soulmate.  First thing I thought was "Denna don't rush, don't think so much either, just Let It Be.  Come What May.  After a few short months of dating my life changed forever.  A near fatal car accident that almost cost me my life.  Months of rehab and pain that I hope to never experience again, I was myself again.  Well so I thought.  That accident changed my life and affects it every day.  On a brighter note, that wonderful guy I met and dated stood by me through my coma and rehab.  Tucked me in bed.  He and my mother and father and step mom took very good care of me.  Later I became the luckiest woman alive and became that fella's wife :)) For the first time, whether it was me, my being more mature, or the fact I FINALLY got it right, I was happier than I could ever remember.  To my suprise again I found a way to allow someone to fall out of love.  I have never in my life hurt so bad.  I finally understood what it meant when they call it heartbreak.  That feeling of not wanting to pull out of your own driveway but Noone asking you not to go and allowing you to do so felt like a dagger.  Again my kids became my strength and this time I could not find the strength to me so strong and so resilient.  I crumbled.  For the firs time in my life I could not say I am bruised not broken.  I was completely broken.  I have a reputation.  One of being so strong that it is envious to others.  One of coming out of everything unscathed.  One of rising above it all.  A Phoenix.  I put that face on and tried my hardest to turn my pain into anger like I have always done.  I was angry.  I was hurt and mad as hell but other than through using a forked tongue and saying I was mad and not showing my hurt to just anyone, I was dead inside.  I literally wanted to die.  I feel so guilty to this day because for the very first time in my life I could not look at my kids or my parents and say that anyone was enough to pull me out of the dark place I was in.  As if things were not bad enough, struggling with Narcolepsy with Cataplexy, Nightmares nightly, being exhausted, being a single mom of four, losing control of my house because I truly did not care anymore, I got the news.  I got the diagnosis of an incurable disease.  My mom lives away and I am a daddy's girl too but outside of the parental support, I was alone.  Alone to figure out what was going on and what direction to take.  THEN BAM my life stopped and changed forever.  I had a wreck while at work and after another restless night and a night of being on call.  I have not spoke much about it.  But from what I am told if I want to make a difference I have to be honest.  I also find that the best writing comes from true self honesty and openess. I was guilty of two missed calls previously while on call.  Both close to 5am which is the time me, like most Narcoleptics, actually gets to a comfortable rest.  I was told that I would be terminated if I missed another call.  Therefore I slept in scrubs, shoes on, one foot on the floor.  I didn't miss a call but what occured cost me much more than a job I could have replaced.  If you know anything about Narcolepsy or Multiple Sclerosis you know that stress is the WORST thing ever.  I also had an extremely low sodium level at the time which added to disorientation and confusion.  I think I was beyond tired, drained emotionally and physically.  I had already told my boss via text message, after the second write up, that I needed to seek other employment because I could not do on call and have to be at work the next day any longer.  I was not accommodated and that is history.  BUT I have never taken care of myself and have always put myself second, well fifth behind my children and spouse.  Now alone with my kids I was STILL doing this. I found how that I need to take care of myself a little too late.  I had the wreck and due to be emotionless (so the police say) the cop decided to give a little balance test.  Anyone that knows me knows what a difficult task this is somedays.  This particular week was really bad and now I know due to stress of heartache, over worked, stress of single mother life, stress of new diagnosis, and stress of losing my insurance right after diagnosis of one of the most expensive illnesses to treat, and stress of doing my damnest to find direction.  I was wandering around aimlessly without being a wife and mom and working myself to death.  I had lost my way.  I went to jail for the first time in my life. At the end of the day I was ANGRY, sad, confused, and numb.  I called my first person, the one I always want to tell things to FIRST.  Good, Bad, and the Ugly.  We both cried.  To this day I have no clue WHY it happened or How.  I have YET to have an explanation.  My doctor has several good theories but still not an understanding of how and why I was in such a catatonic state and how a medication that had been filled once in a year and used two days prior had such a profound affect on me.  I guess I will never know.  Any damages done I am sure do not compare, but, I spent a year ripped down emotionally, physically, financially, and my self worth, reputation, and work reputation completely demolished.  I still struggled daily and cried daily.  I ended up losing my job followed closely by my house and car.  I am so thankful to have saved a TINY bit for a rainy day.  Needless to say it ran out very quickly.  Never in my life would anyone have ever thought, especially me who has NEVER returned home since I left at 20, and never drained my parents financially or used them for baby sitters constantly, would be without anything and unable to help myself.  I was broke, homeless, had no car, no job, no health, no insurnace for me and my kids, and noone to suffer with.  Truly my lowest point in my life.  Yet still I would trade places with the other party involved.  I would.  My heart breaks because of not being able to see, talk to, or help someone else.  My day will come, hopefully.  But after all the suffering, little did I realize my pain and anguish and worry with not only my legal issues, but my illness had just begun.  For an entire year I waited daily.  Everyday to hear from a lawyer, DA, Opposing lawyer, bill collector, doctor, or to recieve supoenas, court notifications etc.  It was not until an entire year later I was told to come to court and give a guilty plea to be done with everything.  That was one of the hardest things I have EVER done in my life was saying I was guilty of something I was not.  I was but was not, not intentionally.  However, I was so thankful to be done, guilty or not the end of it and not waiting daily for another moment and no threats of going to prison for being sick , I will take it.  Then came weeks of enduring things ordered by the court system that should have been behind me at that point, a year ago.  Now after a loss of a total of about $155,000 which includes court fees, fines, my dad's loss of bail money which was posted at $50,000, a lawyer fee of $20,000, loss of yearly income etc. There was 6 months of probation which cost monthly, color code, which cost monthly.  I have it behind me but I am still haunted and troubled deeply from it all.  The two main things was nothing to do with money. It was complete loss of self dignity, heart ache of anyone ever questioning my innocence, my loss of my work ethic and work reputation, my life as a hospice provider, and the embarassment my kids must have faced.  The friends it cost them whose parents would not let them come over due to newspaper publicity and incrimination.  Here's to you to all those "so called Christians" haha We obviously are reading two different Bibles.  Now, I have no job, feel like a failure with no purpose in life, and I have gained weight and feel terribly unattractive.  BUT I am happier than I have been in about three years.  I have everything I need.  I have my soulmate back in my life, my kids are all happy and excel.  I have my parents and wonderful step parents and a good, boring and not purpose driven, but good life.  I hate myself for not being able to contribute right now but my big guy loves having me at home and if that is what he wants then that's OK with me.  He always says to enjoy being able to stay home and be a mom for once.  It is very hard because I have been that mommy but also always made good money as an RN and made my own way.  BUT we are happy and my heart is whole.  I truly could not ask for more.  Well one thing........I do want to help raise awareness especially about narcolepsy.  I read a book that helped me more than I can explain.  Julie Flygare's "Wide Awake and Dreaming" and she also published a poem i wrote about my tormenting dreams to her website. JulieFlygare.com.  She emails me or comments on fb about certain things and she has no clue how inspired she makes me.  In days following hearing from her I am right there about to  become the Phoenix i once was :)) I emailed the Ellen show today and told her Julie is my hero.  Asked her to read Julie's book and to look at her website.  I included that all I was asking was for Ellen to look at my blog and to look at Julie's book and website.  And I included how I would like to meet Julie in person.  I hope that one day I reach someone and inspire them like she does me whether I do write a book, or it is through my poems, or possibly this blog.  I do not think I will ever get a book published because the Real story about struggles of being a teen mom is not near as intriguing as drama and MTV SO, maybe I will eventually get more followers and somewhere some girl that is NOT your average girl next door, although she appears to be, will look forward to my blogs to inspire her and make her hopeful.